When You're Afraid To Tell Your Wife the Truth, Part 3 - Healthy Check-Ins

Embark with us on an intimate expedition into the dynamics of healing after the storm of sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. As we unravel the threads of recovery dialogue between partners, we'll equip you with the strategies for conducting meaningful check-ins charting a course through the rough waters of rebuilding trust.

In a space set apart from the every day, you’ll discover how to foster transparency without oversharing, balance reassurance with accountability, and navigate the delicate dance of communication that is both honest and compassionate.
Let this episode be a beacon of hope, illuminating the path to a renewed partnership grounded in understanding and shared growth.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:18

Hey friends, you've been tracking with us on this series. We've been walking through how to talk with your spouse about your sexual struggles and two weeks ago or two podcasts ago because I'm not sure if we're recently releasing this one week at a time or if we'll just release them all in a bundle but two podcasts ago we talked about just some of the underlying things that might be going on for you and your need to grow in recovery and how that may be playing into your resistance to talking with your spouse. Last week we talked about the big topic of betrayal trauma and how that plays into a spouse's reaction and feelings about hearing what's going on for you and the importance of your growing to become sensitive to that and becoming an ally to your spouse as they heal from betrayal trauma so that you can continue to be a source of help and healing for them. And this week I want to kind of address this is probably the lightest of the three. Let's say you and your spouse actually you're together in this. You've fully disclosed your past and present struggles to your spouse. You're walking together in any recovery from trauma that she is walking through, assuming you're the husband here and you're together with that and she's fully on board with your recovery. You're active in recovery, she's getting the help that she needs, and you're really just looking for some guidance about like, but what do we talk about? Do we talk about everything? How specific do we get? What's helpful, what's not? If you're just looking for some of that information, then this podcast is helpful for you.

Speaker 1: 1:52

So this is for a husband and wife. They're on the same team, they feel like they're on the same team with this, but they just want to make sure that they're kind of checking in about the recovery process in ways that are helpful and healthy. So I'm going to offer two different models, and they're not competing with each other. They really compliment each other well, but both involve what we call a check-in. This is just a scheduled time when each spouse gets together to talk about the recovery process that they're in and how things are going, and so I wanted to begin with some frequently asked questions that I think are helpful. So again, I know that both husbands and wives can be sexually addicted, and so both husbands and wives can be the betrayed partner. For ease of conversation, I'm going to talk in this podcast as though it's the husband who is the one in sexual addiction recovery and it's the wife who's experienced the betrayal, but I know it can be the other way around. So, given that, just how frequently? This is one of the questions we get.

Speaker 1: 2:53

How frequently do we talk about this? Do we talk about it every day, and I'd say every couple is different, but I think every day is probably too often, especially at the point where you guys are on the same page with this. I think it can tend to make the sexual sin or struggle too much of a focus for both husband and wife. In the same way, it should be frequent enough. You want to talk frequently enough that the husband can recall how he's been doing over that length of time. So that might be a week, maybe a month. You also want to make sure that you're talking frequently enough that the wife's not going to feel surprised. It's not going to feel like they're being thrown back into that time when they thought everything was okay and it wasn't okay. So you need to make a decision based on that and you bringing it up helps to demonstrate your commitment to the truth.

Speaker 1: 3:38

A couple things about where and when to talk about this. Pick some places that are safe places for both of you to talk about it. I would suggest you don't wanna talk about this on the way to the in-laws or on the way to an event where you're not gonna be able to unpack together or you're not gonna be able to get away from each other. You want there to be enough room, kind of beforehand and afterwards, that if you need some space, you can get it. If you need to call someone else to unpack what you've heard, you can get it. If you need to call an ally in recovery to unpack how ashamed you feel about what you've had to share, you can do that you. Also, I would suggest, don't have this conversation in your bed. Have it outside of your bed. I remember there were times for my wife and I where we would literally get up out of bed because it was time to talk about it and we'd forgotten and we'd go to another room or another space to talk about it. You don't wanna have your marriage bed kind of filled with the memory of those hardships. So keep that place sacred because you're building towards healthy intimacy. So keep some places sacred for that.

Speaker 1: 4:34

What about? Is there anything that you should or shouldn't share? And here we get into kind of the distinction between speaking the whole truth without being graphic. It's important, in my opinion, to disclose every sexual sin that you've committed, but it's not important to be graphic. You don't wanna share about every incident or in graphic detail. So you wanna share enough information that your wife has a true and accurate assessment of the true state of your problems and your progress. You don't wanna give her the impression that you're doing better than you are, any more than you wanna give her the impression that you're doing worse than you are. She deserves an accurate depiction of where you are, and so, if there's any doubt, then you need to share a little bit more so that she has an accurate depiction of where you are. But you also wanna share not just the struggles, the failures, the temptation to it. You wanna share your successes as well. So what's the progress that you've been making and this isn't to try to cover up the bad stuff, but this is also a part of that sharing, and I'll talk a little bit more about that in a minute Things that you don't wanna share. I don't think it's. You shouldn't share graphic detail.

Speaker 1: 5:46

So and here you wanna have a conversation with your wife about what's helpful and what's not, and this is something that goes back to the disclosure that I mentioned in a previous podcast. This will help you to discern like is this information helpful for you or does it just put too many images in your mind that are actually too much for you to bear? Why is one to be careful here? To consider the important question what is actually helpful for me to know? And knowing this for the husband can help him communicate honestly without hurting her needlessly, and you might need some help here. But in general, like you know, websites, specific sexual positions you saw in pornography, or specific types of pornography descriptions of a person you're losting after those typically are not gonna be helpful. That's just too much information. On the other hand, if your sexual acting out has involved other people and you've had some kind of slip up with another person, that's actually always important for your spouse to know. That's a matter of safety. So if you were flirting with someone on a work trip, your wife needs to know that. Those are the kind of information that's hard to share, but it's really important because it's about getting down to the bedrock truth and not keeping something. That's gonna be important for her to feel safe with you.

Speaker 1: 7:02

Now, what about preparing for one of these check-ins? A lot of people don't think about this, but this is really really an important part of a check-in, for a couple reasons. One in my experience, husbands often experience kind of this acting out amnesia, where they've had a slip or a fall in some way and it seems to them that it was further ago than it was or that it was less time than it was. And so, having an opportunity to give yourself some space to accurately assess how have I been doing? You might even also talk to some of your allies who are in your accountability group or in your accountability circles to check in with them. This is what I'm planning on sharing with my wife. Does this sound like an accurate, truthful depiction of how I've been doing since last time she and I talked? That can be really helpful for you to make sure that you're not keeping something from her because you're kind of being forgetful. The other reason preparing is important is because this can be stressful, and when something's stressful it can send your brain into that fight or flight mode, and fight or flight mode is not a good space to recount all the details. Fight or flight is about scanning, that's, your brain is in high alert mode. It's not calm enough for you to recount what's going on, so you want to, with giving yourself space to prepare. That puts you in a place to be able to kind of calmly remember, and maybe even jot down some notes that you can share honestly with your wife, how you're doing Now.

Speaker 1: 8:30

What about how a wife is supposed to respond to her husband and I use that word very, very loosely supposed to. Wives are going to have a vast array of responses to their husband. A lot of it's going to depend on how much trust has been broken in the past. A lot of it may depend on what kind of acting out he has done in the past and what slip or fall might have looked like today A lot of factors that are going to go into how she's going to feel hearing an update from him. And so, husbands, you want to give your wife a lot of room to feel what she feels, to feel her feels. As some people say, she's free to respond however she needs to.

Speaker 1: 9:11

However, one caveat for wives his sin does not justify sin on your part. So, in other words, you need to find some healthy avenues to express your sadness, anger, grief and fears, and so his sin does not give you free reign to unload on him, to beat him, to throw things at him, to curse at him. I know that anger sometimes just explodes, and I know that pain can trigger a lot of anger, and so I'm not trying to suggest to you that you need to keep control over all of this. You're going to have big reactions sometimes, and that's just a part of the reality. This hurts and it hurts a lot, but as you grow through this to be on each other's team, you want to find two or three trusted female friends that you can go to to let all of it out, so that your husband is not the only place where you're letting out your anger, fear and pain. Trusted friends, especially those who know about the nature of sexual addiction, can really help you to establish some appropriate boundaries that you're going to make. So if he's continuing to slip, instead of just letting out your rage at him, what kind of boundaries do you need to set up to make sure that you are safe moving forward? If he's not keeping you safe, what kind of boundaries are you going to need to keep yourself safe? And a helpful recovery community? A spiritual coach here at Regeneration, others in your own kind of wives group can be helpful to you as you're trying to figure this out. And then another question we get from wives a lot is how can you know that your husband's making progress?

Speaker 1: 10:49

Relapse is a frequent part of sexual addiction recovery. It just is. If your husband's not relapsing, praise God and continue to walk closely with him and encourage him to be truthful, but in the process, if he's stumbling some, then look for I mean, that's important information. It's important information and it's important to bring to your coach or your recovery community to know like is this normal or do I need to take some actions, set up some boundaries here. But you can also look for it in his other actions.

Speaker 1: 11:18

Is he attending recovery meetings? Is he doing the homework in those recovery meetings? It's rare that a recovery meeting is not going to have any type of work for him to do on his own outside of that group. Does he have a mentor or a coach or somebody who's walking through guiding him in his recovery? Is he seeing a Christian therapist, for example? Is he calling others in his group and being in touch with them? Is he open with you about time and money, or does it feel to you like he's being secretive or defensive about where he's spending his time or where he's spending his money, and is everything he's saying making sense? Does it kind of sound consistent with what life of a man in recovery looks like? If he's defensive, if he's evasive, it feels like he's stonewalling you. I'd encourage you to trust what you're feeling. That's important information and again, bring it back to your recovery community and communicate that with him.

Speaker 1: 12:12

As I said in a previous podcast, part of your recovery journey as the betrayed spouse is learning to trust yourself again, and part of you paying attention to what seems to make sense to you is a part of that process. Okay, that's a lot, but there's still more. So hang on. There's a wonderful exercise it's called the SAVE's exercise, s-a-v-e-s that a lot of couples use, a lot of couples who are in recovery together use to help them both walk through this recovery stuff together and also to rebuild intimacy, to rebuild relational closeness and relational trust in this journey. So a couple of things. One and this is for couples in recovery together. So if one or the other of you is triggered, either the wife is triggered by something the husband says or does, whether it's in a check-in time or not, the wife gets triggered, or if the husband gets triggered by a wife asking questions or a wife getting hurt herself. You can walk through this SAVE's exercise.

Speaker 1: 13:14

And so the first the S is for C. This is just where you're noticing what the person is experiencing, what they are, what they're kind of manifesting or showing you. You can be. You're noticing something on their face or their facial expressions or the tone of their voice. I notice that you seem stressed. I notice that you seem afraid. I notice that you're angry. I notice that your lips are pursed and you've gotten really silent. This is not an accusation, it's just you observing, it's you attuning to their emotional state. And then the A is ask I notice this, are you feeling triggered right now? It's a simple question Are you feeling triggered right now, or can you tell me if you're feeling triggered right now?

Speaker 1: 13:57

Next, the V is for VALIDATE. So can you validate what they're experiencing, what they're feeling, based on what they've told you? It makes sense to me that you feel scared right now. It must remind you of times in the past when I was dishonest with you. So that kind of model is. It makes sense to me that you feel. Whatever it is, they express their feeling it must remind you of and then fill in the blank. Or I would guess it reminds me of, or reminds you of, or if it were me, it would remind me of what I did. Here You're validating. Here the point is to validate. You're not offering excuses to your defenses, you're just validating what they're experiencing.

Speaker 1: 14:39

And then you want to empathize. And again here I want to refer you to the book Help Her Heal by Carol Jurguson Sheets. It's a lot about you developing empathy for your spouse and its process. Empathy I can feel how you feel. So it doesn't mean I understand fully your feelings. It doesn't mean I've felt all that you feel, but you want to express on some level. I feel that you feel afraid. So notice, I'm not saying I feel the fear that you feel, or I feel the same kind of anger that you feel, or I felt that same way. That's not empathy. It's just that you are feeling that they feel anger. I can feel that you're feeling angry at me right now. I can feel that you're feeling afraid right now. And you're saying this to empathize. You're not saying this. You know like, hey, you're hurting me by what you're feeling. That's not what this is. This is just you being with them in that space.

Speaker 1: 15:32

And then the last S is for secure. This is about you seeking to help your spouse feel safe again. They've been triggered by something and you've seen that they're triggered. You see that they're feeling something. You've asked them about what they're feeling, you've validated their feelings and how it fits in the context of what your relationship has been. You've empathized with what they're feeling and now you're seeking to help them to feel safe again.

Speaker 1: 15:59

How can I help you feel safe right now? Okay, how can I help you feel safe right now? So, if your husband in recovery and your wife doesn't feel safe because you came home late from work, how can I help you feel safe? You can get your boss on the phone to confirm that you were there as late as you say you were. Okay, I'll call him. I'll call her right now. How can I help you feel safe right now? You could show me your phone. You can show me what you were just looking at on your phone. Okay, here's my phone. These are ways that you can help them to feel safe again.

Speaker 1: 16:30

So, again, saves, see, ask, validate, empathize and secure, and we'll have a link to this exercise this is not original to regeneration. We'll have a link to this exercise in the show notes. So in the show notes you'll find a copy, a PDF or some link to kind of just check-in frequently asked questions for check-ins and then also the saves exercise. So, man, this is a lot, but I think it's going to be really helpful for you as you continue to seek to be on the same team in recovery as husband and wife. So, jesus, bless these couples in their recovery. We know you love marriage, lord, and we know that marriage after betrayal is really, really hard, and so would you lead each couple forward, each husband and each wife forward, loving them along the way that they might better love each other, and I pray this for their good, for the good of their families and for your glory, amen.