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Becoming Whole
Relationships and sexuality are areas of life that can be beautiful or confusing, life-giving, or painful. Becoming Whole is a conversational podcast for men, women, and families seeking to draw nearer to Jesus as they navigate topics like sexual integrity, relational healing, spiritual health, and so much more.
Becoming Whole
Revisiting the why behind the what
Curious about what really drives unwanted sexual behaviors? Join us as we uncover the deeper motivations behind these actions with insights from Josh Glaser. By exploring symbolic archetypes and understanding how these reflect God's attributes, we shed light on the "why" behind the behaviors, not just the "what." James Craig shares his personal journey from intern to coach at Regeneration, emphasizing the transformative power of our podcast in listeners' lives.
We delve into the emotional wounds and unmet needs fueling sexual temptations. Discover how issues like the need for nourishment, comfort, and connection can manifest in harmful ways. Through practical tools like creating a timeline of life events, we guide you to uncover and address these root causes. The importance of spiritual coaching, therapy, and support from trusted individuals is highlighted as we aim to foster genuine healing and growth.
Awaken Mens' Retreat - Are you ready to take your recovery to the next level? Regeneration is Excited to announce our First-Ever Awaken Men’s Retreat. We have crafted a two-day retreat at the beautiful Bon Secours Retreat and Conference Center in Marriottsville, Maryland from Saturday, September 28 to Sunday, September 29. Secure your spot today! We are currently offering an early-bird sale price and this event is open to just 20 attendees. For more information and to register click here.
Wives Betrayal Basics Webinar - For more information and to register.
Sacred By Design Women's Retreat - Are you a woman who loves Jesus & and you're doing the hard work to break free from unwanted sexual behaviors?
We would be honored for you to join us for our first Sacred by Design Retreat to be held on Saturday, November 2, 2024. This special time has been crafted for you to receive and relax, to create and connect. We pray you’ll join us as we slow down long enough to be caught up by our Creator.
Only 10 spots are available. For more information and to register click here.
Hey everyone, I'm James Craig. I'm one of the coaches here at Regeneration and I also have the privilege of running our Awaken program. Six years ago, when this podcast was first being kicked off, I was actually the intern behind the scenes producing this podcast and I say that to share that it's way better now that it's out of my hands than it ever was while it was in my hands. But I'm so grateful to have kicked this off and I'm especially grateful for all the men and women and families who have found Regen and have gotten substantial help, both just by listening but also by coming to us for coaching, for programs, for other things. So thank you to all the listeners, especially those listeners from six years ago probably my friends and family and some close people to the ministry. But for this summer I'm hosting the podcast and we're going to do a mixture of some new episodes. We're also going to do some old episodes that I actually am going to do a little bit of an intro to, but also add in some content on the backend and fill out some things, add in some new ideas. So today we're actually looking at one of my absolute favorites, one of the most helpful podcasts I think.
Speaker 1:We have called the why Behind the what. Josh recorded this in February of 2023. I've shared it with many clients that I work with. I'm actually gonna close this out after Josh shares, after we listen to his content by sharing about this incredible spiritual formation principle around desire that I learned about from Aristotle, of all people. So stay tuned for that. We're going to dive into what I call the ladder of virtue from Aristotle and how our desires are meant to be formed by God. Okay, so, without further ado, let's get into it. Here's Josh Glaser on the why behind the what.
Speaker 2:If you are wrestling with unwanted sexual behaviors, recurring unwanted sexual behaviors, and you want to get free, you have to know the why behind the what. What is the why behind your specific what? So, for example, if you struggle with pornography and you're typically looking for a certain kind of pornography, a certain kind a genre of pornography, or certain types of people in the pornography, or certain sexual acts in the pornography, or certain genders in the pornography, what's the why behind those specifics that you're looking for? Or if you're acting out with other people physically and you're typically doing certain behaviors or looking for certain types of people, what's the why behind the specific kinds of people or activities you're typically drawn to? And the reason the why is so important is because you can't untangle the mess you're in. You can't stop the behaviors by just knowing the what. I mean you can take certain actions. Okay, if I know that I'm typically looking at pornography, I can get filters on the computer. I can set up accountability software. I can get rid of my smartphone and have a dumb phone. If I know I'm acting out with people through this app, I can get rid of the app. On and on and on. That's addressing the what and there's merit in there. You want to do that too, but it's really when you get to the why underneath it that you can actually get to the heart issue, because the why is what's driving you. The why is where the motivation is. The why is where the engine is. The why is where the desire is kind of stirring from. And if you're just addressing the what and responding to the what, then you're never going to get done to the heart issue. And that's really where the change happens Out of the overflow of the mouth. The overflow of the mouth is the what the heart speaks, jesus says, and so the heart is that heart level. It's the why. So typically there are two different areas we want to look at to understand the why, because they're in general, there are two different kinds of why. Okay, so the first is is more of a symbolic why.
Speaker 2:It's, it's an archetype of, of something, and some of these symbols are either many of them are God made, they're actually symbols that God wove into the fabric of creation. Some of them are also man-made. So let me give you some examples, very specific examples. So you know we're going to get.
Speaker 2:There's something about God's invisible attributes that are made visible through, through their physical bodies, and Paul writes about this in Romans. One God's invisible, eternal attributes are made visible through his creation, including human beings, because he made human beings in his image and likeness. So, for example, what do a woman's breasts symbolize? On that by God's design? What do they symbolize, what do they represent? And I'd suggest things like nourishment, comfort, tender, care. These are all attributes that God has. They're invisible in him, but he nourishes us, he comforts us, he cares for us, he is tender with us. These are all attributes of God and they are represented, they're symbolized, imaged in a woman's breasts.
Speaker 2:How about a man's strength? And maybe a man's chest, his back, his arms? Not that women can't be strong, I don't mean that but God has given men the capacity that doesn't always, it isn't always real in each man, but but in a, in a broad sense, men have have a capacity for greater muscle mass. Why is that? What is that image about god? Well, maybe something of god's strength, his, his protective nature, his, his ability to, to, to add form and structure to something. What about a woman's female genitalia? There's something there of union, right? I mean, god is three in one. He's not sexual, but he is three in one Father, son and Holy Spirit and there's something in male and female genitalia that can come together in union. So there's something symbolic about a woman's genitalia and a man's genitalia that come together. They symbolize, by God's design, union, acceptance, home, all of those kinds of things.
Speaker 2:So, as you find yourself, or if you find yourself drawn to specific body parts, it's possible that some of what you're being, what you're searching for, some of the why is that? You're searching for some of those deep, deeper heart issues that that those physical body parts represent, that they image, and so maybe you're looking for nourishment, comfort, tender care. Maybe you're looking for union connection, acceptance, home. Maybe you're looking for a union connection, acceptance, home. Maybe you're looking for strength or protection or confidence. Maybe you're looking for I mean, another reality about male and female genitalia is that they're procreative, right, man and woman are procreative when they come together.
Speaker 2:So maybe you're looking for, on a deep heart level, you're looking for life, you're looking for impact. You're looking for on a deep heart level. You're looking for life, you're looking for impact, you're looking for fruitfulness, and you can even get a hint of these things by asking yourself, for example, do I feel a level of futility in my life right now, a lack of fruitfulness. Well, could it be that part of my draw towards male-female genitalia right now is I want life, I want impact. Are you lacking nourishment, tender care, comfort? Are you feeling uncomfortable, are you feeling undernourished, are you feeling uncared for? Well, those might be reasons that you're drawn to these symbolic representations that are woven in by God's design into male and into female. I hope that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Now there are also man-made symbols that exist in this category, and so it doesn't take long to recognize that what I've just described. The culture has taken those things and run with them in certain directions, and so they've idolized've idolized or lifted up certain, certain types of breasts, certain types of male genitalia or female genitalia, certain body types, and said these, this is the ideal, this is this, this is where the real pleasure is. And so there are man-made symbols there that are fallen, distorted, eclipsing the full scope of what God designed the body to be. That's another podcast altogether. Distorted, eclipsing the full scope of what God designed the body to be, that's another podcast altogether. But maybe that's part of what you're drawn to there, so just pay attention to that as well.
Speaker 2:Now the second category, outside of that kind of archetypal symbol, especially the God designed ones, is also just a level of an emotional imprint, a mental imprint on your life. Hey, everybody, do me two big favors, would you? First of all, if there's a topic you'd like me to be talking about on this podcast, shoot me an email at podcast at regenerationministriesorg. Secondly, would you rate and review this podcast by going to regenerationministriesorg. Slash rate when you leave a five-star review. It actually helps other people find the show. Thanks so much.
Speaker 2:Now back to it Again. We're going to talk symbolically here, but there are things that you've experienced in your life, in your past, either sexual experiences that you've had, sexual things that were done against you, very difficult, wounding seasons, or experiences or relationships that you've had, trauma that you've been through, and with each of those there's an emotional imprint. Or there can be an emotional imprint that has made its mark on your heart, on your mind, even in your body. These can leave marks, neural pathways. Bessel van der Koch says the body keeps the score, the body remembers. There's neurobiology that plays into this, but on an emotional, mental level there's an imprint. So maybe it's something that you saw, something that you were exposed to, something that was done to you that included a specific body part or body parts or a specific type of person a male or female, a large person, a small person, a person of a certain ethnicity, maybe it happened in a certain area. I know that for some people this is an easy example, but for some people there are certain times of the year where they experience more temptation because there's something that happened in that time of year, in that season, that left a mental, emotional imprint on them that stirs that temptation up every year. So it may be as simple as that. It could also be complex in the sense if there was a trauma you experienced or a wound you experienced.
Speaker 2:Jay Stringer writes in his book Unwanted that oftentimes our sexual acting out, the things that we're drawn to in our sexual arousal template, are attempts to reverse or repeat. The things that we're drawn to in our sexual arousal template are attempts to reverse or repeat the trauma that we've experienced Attempts to reverse or repeat the trauma we've experienced. And so this would be the case, for example, of a woman who gets into a relationship with an abusive person again and again and again. There's something deep in her that is seeking to repeat that which happened to her over and over again. Or, for example, a man or woman who might seek out pornography or a fantasy where they have power over another person. That might be trying to reverse an experience where they feel like they were overpowered by someone in their past and maybe that's even being triggered by a sense of being overpowered by someone in their past and maybe that's even being triggered by a sense of being overpowered today. And so that gives you a little glimpse.
Speaker 2:And there's much more and you can look at Jay Stringer's book Unwanted to give you a broader sense of how that emotional, mental imprint is actually playing itself out with present day temptation. So looking for patterns in the things that arouse you, looking for patterns in the kind of pornography you pursue or the kind of behavior you pursue or the kind of person you're drawn to, can help illuminate whether or not there is some type of God-made symbol behind it or whether or not this has to do with some kind of mental, emotional imprint that's been left on you. That would help you get after the why. Now, in response to the why, there are two different ways that we want to respond, depending on which of those two it is. So, if this is a God-made symbol that you're after and that's part of what's drawing you to that specific behavior or person or body part, then you want to pursue what it's symbolizing. You want to pursue the underlying heart need or or bodily need that you have that's underneath that sexual temptation.
Speaker 2:The sexual temptation is a diversion from what you're really after are. Are you malnourished? Are you without comfort? Are you? Are you need of comfort? Are you lacking care? Do you feel lonely? Then pursue nourishment, pursue godly comfort, pursue tender, loving care, pursue connection in meaningful ways, and these things will help to meet those legitimate needs instead of going to the illegitimate sources. That help you meet those needs in legitimate ways. And you may need help. You may need help figuring out what those legitimate things are that you're after, and you may need help in learning now how do I handle these things, address these things in healthy ways? I've taken them to these unholy, unhealthy places for so long. How do I do this in a healthy way?
Speaker 2:And often, if you began your sexual behavior when you were young, it may be that you never learned how, and so that would be a reason to get some good spiritual coaching from regeneration or to read more of our work or talk to a good friend or pastor, somebody who can help you unpack those things, or a good therapist. So you want to pursue those underlying desires if it has to do with a God-given symbol. Now, if it has to do with a mental, emotional imprint and you're either trying to repeat or reverse a wound that you experienced or a negative behavior that you experienced, you don't want to pursue those negative behaviors anymore. Now what you want to do is you need to attune to the wound and seek healing. You need help in figuring out now what happened to me. When was it in my life that this happened? And now, how can I heal from this? In other words, how can I untwist this emotional, mental imprint and unplug it from that old experience and then begin practicing plugging it into a new experience, because the wound happened in a relational experience, so the healing is going to happen in a relational experience experience. So the healing is going to happen in a relational experience.
Speaker 2:Um, and and that's that's a journey too where you're going to you would benefit from spiritual coaching or seeing a therapist talking through, but one, one way you may even begin to explore this is is an exercise that we've adapted from uh dr doug weiss called, which is really just making a, a list of of your life in five-year increments and for each of those five-year increments and for each of those five-year increments so zero to five, six to 10, 11 to 15, on and on until your present age write down, make three columns and write down what was good about that season, what happened, what experiences did you go through, relational experience you had that were good, what were bad experiences?
Speaker 2:You had relational experiences that you had and what were ugly experiences that you had, and you might even include there things that just were a little weird or off.
Speaker 2:But you're not sure where they go and just make a list and this would take you some time, but that may begin to uncover for you some seasons around which you began to have some emotional, mental imprints that you're still trying to play out today by reversing or repeating them.
Speaker 2:Interestingly, in my own story I found that there were very significant events like that, experiences I had right around the exact same time that I began acting out sexually in the various ways that I did, and so I could see a very like, almost draw a straight line from within a three-year span between my sexual acting out and some significant trauma and wounds that I experienced, and so that helped me to get some traction, that, oh, this is what I'm looking for, this is what's going on here, and I need to get some healing around these things so I don't keep bringing it to the sexual acting out.
Speaker 2:Friends, understanding the why behind the what of your sexual acting out, and whether it's pursuing a god-ordained, god-given symbol, something deeper and meaningful, or whether it's messing with or trying to deal with a mental, emotional imprint you have from some trauma or wounds in your past, going to help you tremendously to move forward from just behavior management to really getting some healing and recovery and some growth in your life in ways that will make a huge, huge difference. We've helped you. We are here. Bless you.
Speaker 1:I hope you were blessed by that, just like I've been. Here's what I want to pull out. So many of us believe that God wants us to settle for what Aristotle calls continence. What is continence? See if this sounds familiar to you. Continence is to know what is right and to act on it, but without desiring it. So think about that for a second. Think about the Christian life that you've inherited, the Christian kind of way of things. Doesn't that sound pretty familiar to most of us? There's a lot of bad things we desire. I mean, josh talked about those things that are twisted by the enemy. We should avoid them, but you notice that Josh pointed out that there's actually God-given desires, often underneath things that on the surface might seem like lustful desires or other things like that. Here's what I want to pull out. Here's what I want you to recognize.
Speaker 1:God wants us to be people who know, desire and act all according to who he is and who we really are. He wants to make us people who not only believe his law, like what is right, his way of doing things, but who delight in it, like we see all throughout the Psalms, and are therefore able to act it out. So this is all within the context of what Aristotle and the Nicomachean ethics calls, or I think it's called the ladder of virtue. It's what I call the ladder of virtue. He lists out six different levels of virtue related to desire. Okay, so listen to these. At the bottom is the beast, then vice, incontinence, continents, which I just shared about virtue, and then hero. For Aristotle he's like it's not really worth talking much about the beast or the hero, cause he believes so few people are those things. You might think of the beast as like a serial killer. They're more almost like animal than human. You might think of the hero as Catholics think about saints, like those people who are just really epic Christians throughout history.
Speaker 1:But for what most of us have settled for is this life of continence that we actually won't have desires align with what God wants us to have. God actually wants us to become people of virtue. Here's how virtues is described or defined Knowing what is right, desiring to do it, which then culminates in correct actions. So while many of us settle for that continence, we don't actually want to do it. That's a good place to start. We don't want to stay in a place of vice, which is simply not knowing what is right and therefore desiring and acting on what is wrong. We also don't want to stay in a place of incontinence, which is knowing what is right but acting on our wrong appetites.
Speaker 1:I know for so many men who come into regen, who come into coaching or awaken the groups that I run. They're they're fluctuating between incontinence, so giving in they know it's wrong but they give in and then continence. They're kind of stuck in that place that paul describes in romans 7, doing the very thing he doesn't want to do. Notice his desires, his wants are being twisted around, but what? What Paul would also say and argue and believe is that the end goal is not to stay there as a believer, it's not just to stuff down our bad desires forever, it's actually to become people of virtue and even these heroes that desire to do the right thing.
Speaker 1:Dallas Willard points out that for Jesus, doing the wrong thing would actually be way harder than it was to do the right thing. It would have been so out of sync with his character because he was a man of. I mean, he was the true definition of a hero, right, but he was a man of virtue. To do the wrong thing for the person of virtue would be hard because they don't actually want to do it. They're so convinced and so transformed that they actually desire to do the right thing. So, as Josh shared, we need to do work to get to this place of virtue. He shared that example from Dr Doug Weiss.
Speaker 1:We use that in Awaken the good, the bad and the ugly inventory, looking at the things that have happened that might've impacted our desires. All of us have room to grow in desire. It's not just for people who have explicit sexual addictions, but it's actually all of us have room to grow and see ourselves grow into people, christians of virtue, of good character. So I want to encourage you if you're on this journey, especially if you're a man or a woman who are dealing with unwanted sexual behavior, who are trying to overcome sexual sin.
Speaker 1:We've got two retreats coming up this fall. These are going to be awesome incubators of virtue, of christian formation, and so, if you're a man, we have our awaken retreat at the end of september. I'll be helping lead that alongside aaron and josh. We're going to be getting after fantasies, we're actually going to be engaging the good, the bad and the ugly that Josh talked about here.
Speaker 1:If you're a woman, likewise you're going to be getting after some deep waters in spiritual formation away from sexual sin and toward Jesus in November with the Sacred by Design Retreat. So at least for the men's retreat, which is already up at the time of recording that's going to be down in the show notes. I want to encourage you guys, get after that. There's only 20 slots available total and if you're a woman, be looking out. By the time you listen to this there might be retreat link in the show notes as well. With very limited space, I want to encourage you all, if you're dealing with your unwanted sexual behaviors and you're wanting a place of community to see those incubated and to grow in this Christian vision of virtue, come to one of our retreats this fall. God bless you all.
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