3 Essentials for a Sexually Whole Community

Pornography is a silent struggle for many within church congregations, yet it's often shrouded in secrecy and shame. What if addressing it head-on could transform not only individual lives but entire communities? In our latest episode, we explore the findings of Barna's eye-opening study in collaboration with Pure Desire Ministries, revealing that over half of practicing Christians have viewed pornography, and a staggering number find themselves without support. 

Join us as we discuss how we can find support and be supportive of those who are struggling with unwanted sexual behavior as individuals and as a collective local body. 

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Chapters

• 0:00 Addressing Pornography in the Church
• 15:11 Building Healthy Church Communities
• 19:03 Supporting Church Regeneration

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:18

Good to be with you all today. Hey, I had this great opportunity recently to speak to a senior leadership team at a local church who was asking they were they're asking questions about how they can get after the problem of pornography in their congregation, which I was thrilled about. Part of what sparked the conversation with them was they had come across Barna's brand new study they collaborated with Pure Desire Ministries to put out, called Beyond the Porn Phenomenon. The last time they did a study like this was in 2016. So this is eight years later updated information, updated surveys about how people in our country are addressing or dealing with or experiencing pornography in their lives, and some of what they came across the people from this church came across that was shocking to them I want to share with you. And then I want to share with you what Regan believes, what we'll teach a church about, what is needed in order for a church to adequately thoroughly get through, get their congregation helped in the area of pornography, struggle with pornography. I didn't say that very clearly, but I think you get my point. So first of all, let me go to just some of the research. There's more research in this study that I won't get to in this podcast, but several of the elements that stood out to me. First of all, 61% of adults in the United States view pornography 61%. That's up a substantial increase since 2016. But specifically, as we're looking at the church, here's some numbers that were pretty astounding. First of all, 54% of practicing Christians report viewing pornography 54%. Now 32% of those practicing Christians view pornography at least monthly. So there's a gap between those who view it less than monthly, but 32% one in three Christians in your church, in the average American church, are viewing pornography at least monthly, and that includes men and women. The number of women viewing pornography has continued to increase. Those in our field have recognized that because of the women coming through our doors, but the research is also bearing that out and the increase is significant. And then here's the final number I want to share with you 74% of Christians say that no one is helping them with their pornography problem. 74% Three out of four Christians who struggle with pornography have zero people in their life who are helping them avoid pornography. That's a lot. So if a church, if you're a part of a church on leadership, or you're a pastor, or like the senior leadership team of the church that I was talking with this morning. If you are concerned about this issue in your church, what can you do? Because chances are there are a number and a growing number this issue in your church. What can you do? Because chances are there are a number and a growing number of people in your congregation who are actively struggling with this and have no one who is helping them with it, which means the problem is not going to get better and likely going to get worse.

Speaker 1: 3:16

Let me share a story. I've got a dear, dear friend who became a pastor not long after he graduated from college and early in his pastorate began stumbled into porn. He and I held each other accountable when we were in college and he stumbled into porn not long after he became a pastor, slipped looking at porn, told the church leadership because it was an environment where that was encouraged and had to step back from ministry I think it was for three months or six months, something like that Not removed from staff, just had to step back from direct ministry, which was very difficult because he had to explain to people or kind of make his way around the question like why aren't you teaching now? What's going on now? Why did you have to step down. But his experience of that whatever was intended, his experience was it was filled with shame. So, fast forward several years, he slips into pornography again and this time he decides I can't, I can't go through that. The responsibility that was on my shoulders then was significant. It's even more so now. I'd have to explain I mean be more humility, more shameful now. So he kept it to himself and that problem ballooned into much more severe behavior. That didn't come out until over seven years later and when that came out, the destruction in the church, the destruction in his life and in his family was much more significant. Now that's one of the more, maybe more difficult situations that happens in churches. But it just highlights, I think, for you and for me, why getting after these issues is so important and why creating a culture in a church that knows how to address the issue of pornography, knows how to address sexuality in general within the context of a church, is so vitally important for the leadership all the way down to every single congregant who's there.

Speaker 1: 5:01

Now one thing worth noting right out of the gates is that church is difficult terrain to work in. I'm convinced, as a parachurch ministry leader for over 20, well, leading over 16 years. It's difficult enough in a parachurch situation to address these things, more difficult in a church environment, because church, by definition, is a body. It's the family of God. It is also a place where different members of different families come together. Also a place where different members of different families come together. And it's also a place where people volunteer and find meaning. And it's also a place where people work. It's a place of employment. There's authoritative structures in places, to varying degrees in various churches, but always there there are employment authority structures in different churches, and so for church leadership to navigate these things gets very complex very quickly.

Speaker 1: 5:53

But whether you're a parishioner, just a congregate filling a pew, you're in volunteer leadership at a church or you're on staff at a church, I want to just offer three must-haves, three essentials if your church is going to be a place where people who deal with pornography are going to get well, all right. Here they are. The three things are truth, practice and relationship. Truth, practice and relationship. I want to walk through each of those. There may be more, but at least these three must be elements in your church If your church is going to be a healthy place for people who wrestle with pornography or other sexual sins for that matter, can get well. Truth. Let's talk about truth. Truth.

Speaker 1: 6:41

By truth, I simply mean this what is God's reality for our sexual sexuality? What's God's reality for our sexuality? What's God's reality for what it means to be a human male or female? Made it his image and and created by God with a sexual as, with sexuality as a part of who we are, and my sexuality just simply mean, like you're a male or you're a female, you're designed for sex, you have genitalia. That's what makes you sexual. All these things make you sexual. So what is God's truth about that? So that means things like sex outside of marriage is sinful. Lust in general is sinful and therefore pornography is sinful. It is a sin. It's a sinful thing to use another person for your selfish sexual gratification.

Speaker 1: 7:29

The report also shared I don't have that information with you right now, but also shared some varying views among Christians about whether or not you could have a healthy sex life while viewing porn. If porn is a part of your life, can you have a healthy sex life? There are a number of Christians who believe yes, you can. I would argue that truth defies that. Truth says no. In fact, you cannot, because truth is not subjective, it is God's truth. God has created us, male and female. He's created the world. He's created relationships. He's created marriage. He's created children. He's created all. How all these things work together. He's created desire and there's a way that things work according to God's design.

Speaker 1: 8:06

So what is truth? What's the truth about that? Certainly, scripture plays a vital part in identifying what is true, what's okay, what's not okay in the realm of sexual behavior. Also, historic christian teaching on this, because we're we're not picking up the bible for the first time in the 21st century trying to make sense of what's right and wrong. We have over 2 000 years of church history to look at, to get information, to identify what. What is the church historic, believed about these things? We're not going to be revisionists, writing it through just our Western 21st century lens, when the Bible was written in the East by non-Westerners and by non-21st century individualists, people who recognize that we are a culture and a community. So what does the rest of the church teach about these things? And where can we find agreement in the church? Historic around what is true and what's real? How has God created us? What is the world testifying that? But also, truth is not just about what's right and what's wrong, what's sin and what's not.

Speaker 1: 9:09

Truth lays out and this is important for your church, for a place where people can get well lays out what does health look like? What does it mean to be a sexually healthy person? And just a hint, the answer to that means much, much, much, much, much more than just someone who doesn't sin sexually. If you were to poll the people in your church and say what does it mean to be sexually whole or sexually pure or have sexual integrity, I would guess from my experience that most people would say well, you abstain from sex outside of dot, dot, dot. In other words, there'd be a list of what you should not do, but they'd be, they'd have a harder time expressing to you what, what it means to have to have sexual integrity as a, as a form of action. What does it look like on the positive side? What are you saying yes to if you have sexual integrity?

Speaker 1: 9:55

Things like sex is a form of love. God designed sex to be a form of love, which means it is not self-seeking and self-taking. It is meant to be designed to be self-giving. So to be a person who has sexual integrity, to be a person who's sexually whole means that your sexuality it becomes a gift that you give to your spouse, and that your maleness or femaleness is a gift that you give to the rest of the body in appropriate measure, based on your marital status and relationships and all those other things. Okay, I hope that made sense, because I got to move on.

Speaker 1: 10:29

Secondly, I said you need truth. You also need practice, and by practice here I mean a couple of things. Again, I love breaking down a list and then breaking down further. So by practice I mean two things. One, no one's born able to manage all their sexual desires right from the get-go. During purity culture days, we often talked about purity as though it was something that you had and that you lost. What's unhelpful about that? One of the things that's unhelpful about that is that to grow into sexual maturity, sexual integrity, you actually have to grow. You have to grow into sexual maturity, sexual integrity you actually have to grow. You have to grow. You become stronger in every area of your life that you practice. And so if you practice sexual health, wholeness, integrity, you will grow in those things. If you practice sexual lust and sexual perversion and acting out sexually and just following whatever sexual desire arises. You will grow in that way too. That's like everything else in life. So you don't typically look at a kid and say, well, man, this kid is stronger than me in these other areas of virtue that need to grow. You recognize that adults are growing more virtuous and children need to grow more virtuous too, and so part of practice means you are practicing these things.

Speaker 1: 11:36

You're practicing looking at people with eyes of love rather than eyes of lust. You things You're practicing looking at people with eyes of love rather than eyes of lust. You're practicing seeing a whole person and not just body parts. This is a part of practicing. Once you're married, you practice loving your specific spouse. There's no such thing as a perfect, already embodied great husband or great wife on your wedding day, because there's no such thing as a generic husband or generic wife. I am husband to my specific wife, and so anytime you get married, you are marrying a specific person with their specific nuances and your specific nuances, and you're making home together and you're laying down your life for that specific person. That takes practice too.

Speaker 1: 12:14

But by practice I also mean here the traditional spiritual, christian spiritual practices. Those are also a part of growing in sexual health and sexual wellness and sexual integrity. Things like prayer, fasting, practicing the Sabbath, scripture, meditation, scripture memorization, scripture study, fellowship, communion, confession. These things are spiritual practices. And there's so many more the practice of celebration, the practice of gratitude. These are practices that can help you grow in sexual integrity.

Speaker 1: 12:47

So, for example, let's just take the spiritual practice, the ancient Christian spiritual practice of silence and solitude. We live in a culture that doesn't know much about silence and solitude and it actually turns away from it. But practicing silence and solitude, one of the things that happens as you do, that is, you recognize there are all sorts of thoughts and emotions that rise up to the surface and get in your way, make it very difficult to be alone, make it very difficult to be silent or still and calm in your mind, in your body, in your heart. But this is traditionally one of the reasons that you practice silence and solitude so that stuff can come up and so it can be offered to God, given to God, experienced in the presence of God, when appropriate, brought back to the communion of saints, the community. To say this is what's arising for me. I'm not sure what it means. I need help sorting it out. So spiritual practices are also a part of how we grow in sexual integrity.

Speaker 1: 13:41

So again, we're talking about what does a church need if its people are going to be able to walk in freedom from sexual sin, to be people of sexual integrity? Two reasons One, because we live in the 21st century West and we are very, very individualistic. In the history of the world, even in around the world many places, we are unique breed. We are not designed like this and we are a standout, I think, when it comes to historic understanding of what it means to be a human person. We think we can do it on our own and there's, you know, lone ranger syndrome, like crazy in our individualistic culture, which is an interesting dynamic, as you're a part of a church, because to be part of a church is to be things like part of a body, where when you do something it impacts the rest of the body. It is to be committed to being together on a regular basis, not forsaking the assembling together of the saints, and it is to be under the authority of elders or leaders in your church. And that one especially, I think a lot of us bristle at. But if you look biblically, if you look historically in the Christian church. That is just a part of the reality of what it means to be a Christian. You cannot read the apostle Paul without coming to the conclusion in his view of the church. You cannot read the apostle Paul without coming to the conclusion that to Paul there was no such thing as a Christian who did not live in community, who was not a part of the church, and we have to wrestle with that. So that's one of the reasons I bring it up, because it's very unique.

Speaker 1: 15:11

Relationship is kind of a. It's an outlier for us. When we kind of think of the Christian life, we think well, I'll do my spiritual practices and I'll learn the truth. It's not enough, you need relationship. But the other reason I bring it up, especially in the context of sexual health and sexual wholeness, is because if you have a sexual issue, you have a relational issue. Sex by God's design is relational. Think about it. Sex by God is a design, is relational, and that means if you have, if you're struggling with sexual sin, you are struggling with a relational problem. Even if your sexual sin is something that you believe, you do all by yourself and it doesn't impact anybody else. Well, guess what? Not. So In some way it's Genesis goes back to relationships. You're struggling with sexual sin because of something about relationships in your life, and the resolution to the struggle is going to happen in the context of real relationships. You didn't get into this problem all by yourself. You're not going to get out of it all by yourself, even though it maybe it's expressing itself all by yourself. Relationship is required. Okay, truth, practice, relationship.

Speaker 1: 16:18

One final thing I want to mention as you think about how to like what, if you buy what. I'm saying that these three things are required in order to have a Christian community that is, that is able to help people to walk free from sexual sin and to be, to be sexually well in in the, in the Christian sense of the word, to be sexually good, whole, integrous. If you believe these three things are important, I hope you notice this as well. What I'm describing here is not unique to sexual sin. What I'm describing here is the reality for walking in wholeness in general, becoming holy people in general. We need the truth, we need to be practicing it in our lives and we need relationship with God and with other people. In this light, our struggling with sexual sin and our desire to be communities or churches or local churches that can help people deal with sexual stuff in their lives just means that this can actually fit into the fabric of your church as your church grows to become more and more healthy by integrating these three parts of church life. So in some ways, it should not be a surprise.

Speaker 1: 17:32

Now, with that said, I recognize that there are nuancy things about this, like it's one thing to know the truth, it's another thing to deliver the truth. How do we deliver the truth? What's the tone? When do we bring the hammer on some truth and when do we bring it gently? What about practice? How do we invite people to the spiritual practices? When do we invite them to spiritual practice and when do we insist upon it as a part of being a Christian, without getting into legalism? And what about relationship? How do we invite people to speak the truth about what they're wrestling with in their lives and respond to them in a way that doesn't shame them or make them want to run and hide, or in such a way that they would never come and speak the truth to anyone in church in the first place? So that you know 74% of people who say they struggle with porn but have no one who's helping them. What's that about? Is it all on them? Or is it say something about the community that they're a part of? These are the nuanced questions behind that. So I'm not trying to give a simple answer with these three things, but I hope these three things at least help you.

Speaker 1: 18:34

If you're a leader of church, begin to wrestle with these things. Is there truth being taught in your church? And if so, how? Are there opportunities to practice these things in your church and are they being taught, and if so, how? And then, finally, what's the relational climate of your church? Is it a place where people can come forward or not? And if you're in recovery, if you're wrestling with sexual sin in your life you're trying to grow in sexual integrity? Maybe you're not wrestling with sexual sin, maybe you just want to grow in sexual integrity. You want to grow more sexually whole. Do you have these three things operating in your life?

Speaker 1: 19:03

If regeneration can be a help to you, let us know. We've got resources that your church can use, resources that you can use on your own. If you're kind of dipping your toe in. Eventually you'll need some community, as I said, but visit our website. We could put a lot of some things in the show notes about that. Also, if you want to understand a little bit more about what we do, just reach out to us. We're here for the local church and its members, and so if we can be a help to you, we'd love to be. Jesus, continue to grow and refine your church for our good and for your glory. We pray it, amen.