You're Not the Only One - Pressing through the Power of Shame

Feeling overwhelmed by shame and the burden of thinking you're uniquely flawed? You're not alone, and there's hope for healing and connection. Join me as I share my journey through the isolating grip of sexual sin and temptations, and how these struggles made me feel like an outcast. With a fresh perspective, we explore the parallels between our experiences and the story of Adam and Eve, revealing how shame can drive us into secrecy and solitude. Let's address the misconception that you're the only one facing such battles and discuss how these feelings can hinder reaching out for support.

Discover the freedom that comes from breaking the silence. 

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Chapters

• 0:00 Overcoming Shame and Embracing Community
• 13:22 Finding Freedom Through Community

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:18

Hey friends, glad to be back with you today. I was thinking earlier today and I want to just get after this in this podcast that something I've learned about myself over the years is that when I speak or teach somewhere, I often have in my mind the person in the room who is experiencing the most shame. The person in the room who feels like everybody else here might get it. I don't get it. Everybody else here might have it together. I don't have it together. Everyone else here might be able to pull themselves up in this area. I'm not like that and I think part of the reason that person's on my heart, on my mind, I think some of it's just the way that God's wired me. He's given me a level of a mercy gifting, and so that's kind of on my mind as I'm speaking of a mercy gifting, and so that's kind of on my on my, my mind as I'm speaking. But also because that's how I felt for a long time, and sometimes I still do feel like I'm the only one. I feel like I'm unique in some way, not in a positive way, but unique in a negative way. Now we all are unique. God's designed each one of us with unique fingerprints, unique DNA, unique brainwave patterns. We're just unique. He's made us that way. There's no other you in the world today or in the history of the world. You just can't find someone like you, no one with your specific parents, living in a specific time, specific circumstances, specific gifts. On and on and on it goes. And there's a reason for that. God desires that we would know that we are unique. But living in a fallen world, our uniqueness gets twisted up and often we can feel like at least I can feel like I'm the only one who feels this way, who seems insecure in this kind of situation or who feels like there's a you know this kind of situation, or who feels like there's a you know some. I'm uniquely, defective, dirty or different. That's part of the reason that when I get up to speak places, that person is on my mind or that kind of person's on my mind, because I've felt that way and I feel that way sometimes. And in the area of sexual sin, that feeling is what is part of what kept me trapped and stuck in my sin for so long is part of what kept me trapped and stuck in my sin for so long. So I think here of the teenager in youth group, who the youth pastor is giving a purity talk, or a talk about waiting until marriage to have sex. And think about the teenage girl or boy who's sitting there thinking like am I the only one here who's not waited? Or who's struggling with porn right now? Everyone else seems to be smiling and nodding like what is wrong with me? I'm not sure I belong here. Or I think about the man or woman sitting in the congregation on Sunday morning who thinks they're the only one in the church who has wrestled with same-sex attractions and same-sex temptations, or who's given in to same-sex temptations and looked at porn or been involved in a same-sex relationship. Or I think about the middle-aged wife who struggles with pornography and whenever pornography is brought up she hears it talked about like it's a man's issue and she feels like I am the only woman who struggles with these things.

Speaker 1: 3:19

There are lots of examples of the kind of person wrestling with sexual temptations or sexual experiences and things. I'm the only one. I'm uniquely defective or dirty or different. I'm uniquely flawed in this way.

Speaker 1: 3:34

And this feeling of uniqueness, this chronic uniqueness, coupled with shame, you can hear the shame. So shame here I mean specifically an unhealthy shame, a toxic shame that says that I'm uniquely different from everybody else, and that's a bad thing. That feeling does two things for us. One, it keeps us quiet about our struggles. Well, why? Why does it do that? Well, because if I feel like my struggles or my insecurities or my temptations, the things I'm doing, the things I'm tempted to do, the feelings I have, if I feel like they are unique, then I'm going to feel like other people around me won't be able to understand these things, they won't be able to relate with these things, and so they're going to feel uncomfortable talking with me, relating with me, hearing me on these things. And if they feel uncomfortable and in the end of the day, whether they say it out loud or not, whether they're smiling when they walk away from the conversation or not, they're going to leave me, they're going to reject me, they're going to talk about me. It's not going to be safe for me here and here I hearken back to Genesis three, when Adam and Eve after they sinned, they became aware they were naked and they felt shame.

Speaker 1: 4:38

Before they'd felt no shame the end of Genesis two, but now they feel shame. Before they had felt no shame the end of Genesis 2, but now they feel shame. And so what do they do? They cover themselves, they hide. In other words, they try to remove or isolate certain parts of themselves from one another, and we do this up until today. We isolate certain parts of ourselves from the community, from even our closest friends, out of fear that they'll see and they'll reject us, they won't be with us, they'll leave us, they'll hurt us in some way. The other thing this does for us not only keeps us secret, but it also keeps us stuck. So, whether it's a temptation or an experience that we're dealing with, it's difficult or it's an actual sin struggle that we have when we are quiet about it and stuck in our shame about it. It keeps us stuck in that struggle, in that difficulty, in that experience, in that sin, because what we're describing here, when we talk about staying alone, we're talking about a relational problem.

Speaker 1: 5:34

Now, sexual struggles at their core are always relational, because God designed sex relational. I said that in a recent podcast. It's true, god created sex to be relational and no matter what kinds of sexual struggles you're dealing with or sexual temptations you're dealing with, it's always relational. You cannot gut sexuality of its relational reality. Let me say it again you cannot gut sexual, you cannot gut sexuality of its relational reality. To feel sexual feelings, to act on sexual feelings, is a relational act. To feel sexual feelings is a relational feeling. To feel sexual temptation is a relational temptation. Even if you're acting out or tempted in a way, that's kind of solo, looking at pornography by yourself, for example, or fantasizing in your own head where nobody else knows, it is still a relational act that impacts you on a relational level.

Speaker 1: 6:32

Why did I bring that up here? Because I was mentioning before that if you're struggling with a sexual experience, temptation, sexual sin, then you're going to need relationships to get better, because relational issues aren't resolved on their own. You have to resolve relational issues in community, in relationship with other people. So when we feel shame, when we feel like we're the only one, we get silent because of that shame and that silence leads to us being stuck in that struggle, because that struggle cannot be worked out outside of the context of a real relationship. Now, if you're listening and this is you that might sound like really, really bad news, because it does feel like you're stuck between this rock and a hard place. I keep quiet about these things because I don't want to be rejected and yet the only solution is to not be quiet about them, to let someone else know. That sounds like a recipe for pain. It sounds like a recipe for rejection. It sounds like a recipe for people to look at me askance, in my church community or in my small group, or my friend for the rest of my life, and I don't want to be looked at that way. I want to be loved.

Speaker 1: 7:42

One of the ways you might think about it is these two concentric circles, right? So one circle is being known, the other circle is being loved and, depending on your situation, you may feel like those two circles can never overlap entirely. If you struggle with a lot of shame, you're going to feel like those circles can only overlap a little bit. I can only let people know a very, very little bit about me if I'm going to be loved. If you feel only a small shame, only in one area of your life or a few areas of your life, then you might overlap most of those circles, but you're going to leave one part of the circle outside, not overlapping entirely, not known, in order for you to have at least as much love as you have. So, say, 75% of the circles overlap. I'm 75% love. That's better than than 0% loved. If somebody knows that part of me, they're not gonna love me at all, and then that's zero. So we play these kinds of bartering games with ourselves to try to not be known. God wants for you and for me.

Speaker 1: 8:39

His original design, as expressed in Genesis 2, is that we would be fully known and fully loved. That's what naked and unashamed means that we are fully known and fully loved. Those two circles of being known and being loved overlap entirely. And that doesn't mean that every single person knows every single thing about you, but it does mean that, on that, you have a community of people around you and to varying degrees you are fully known by the sum of them. That that you, that there's no part of you, that is, that is utterly hidden, that you're carrying utterly alone.

Speaker 1: 9:13

Now, even if that scares you, I would, I want to just ask you to search your heart a little bit here and to ask the question is there a part of your heart that actually desires that? Can you feel that desire in you to be known and to be loved, to be seen fully and to be loved? And if you're sensitive to your heart, you'll notice that there is in fact a desire for that and that is because, as I said a moment ago, it's what you're made for You're made to be known and loved. God knows you fully and he loves you fully. It doesn't mean that he loves everything that you're doing. It doesn't mean that he doesn't see the brokenness. It doesn't mean that he doesn't see the struggle. It doesn't mean that he doesn't see the sin he does. But through all the struggle and the sin, the different experiences and the temptations and the attractions, he sees you, the you he made, the you he loves, the you he is forming even now into the fullness of who he desires you to be, in Christ. And part of that formation, significant part of that formation, happens in the context of God's community on earth, and this is why bringing those things into the light is so important.

Speaker 1: 10:30

So a couple of things. One, if you are a friend of somebody and you have, and they're struggling with, with some of their, with sexual struggle of some kind, either temptation or attraction or some type of sexual shame, I just want to encourage you. If they've disclosed that to you, if they've disclosed maybe even just a part of that to you, I want to encourage you to let them know that you appreciate that they brought it to you, thank them for their courage in sharing that with you. Let them know what it means to you to know them more. One of the things I like to say is you know, I always want to know what's really going on with you, because I care about you. It doesn't mean I'm endorsing your sexual sin if you're engaged in sexual sin, but I'd rather know what's happening for you than for you to hide yourself from me.

Speaker 1: 11:17

Secondly, become a person who shares vulnerably with others. That means you share your testimony, both the good, the bad and the ugly of your testimony, the things that are like you know you struggled with a long time ago. You don't struggle with anymore, but the things you struggle with now too. Are you that kind of friend to others? Because, as you're that kind of friend to others, you help open the door for them to step that way towards you also. It's just a couple things you can do as a friend or as a fellow Christian to those around you to help them be honest with you.

Speaker 1: 11:48

But if you or yourself are struggling this way, I wanna encourage you in a couple of things. One I wanna encourage you to pray Just let God know. God, I am in touch with, at least to a degree. I'm in touch with a deep desire to be known and loved. It's hard to hide, lord. I don't like wearing masks with people. I don't like trying to edit myself in front of others and I really want to have some friends in my life, some brothers and sisters in Christ who know me fully and with whom I can trust that I am loved.

Speaker 1: 12:17

Let him know that you know that's there and ask him for it. If he designed you for community, to be known and to be loved, then don't you think he has provision for you in that regard? He didn't design you to be known and loved and then he sets you up just to experience only rejection. So ask Lord, who are the safe people in my life that I might begin to talk to. Maybe you begin by reaching out to regeneration, a place that you sign a. You know there's a confidentiality policy that lets you know we're not going to show this with other people Like.

Speaker 1: 12:49

We're here to help you If you're struggling with with sexual struggles, with sexual temptations, with sexual attractions, with sexual sins. This is what we're here for we're with with things that, that sexual experiences that have hurt you, that maybe are really hard to talk about. This is why we're here, so maybe that's a place for you to begin. Get someone in your corner who you don't know so well, who doesn't go to your church maybe, and that maybe that can bolster you and strengthen you and give you more courage to eventually share or even to even give you help to identify who are the people in my life I might talk to, or the Lord might bring someone else to mind.

Speaker 1: 13:22

The first person I ever shared with was somebody who I knew had been confessing his sexual struggles with somebody else years before, and when I first learned about him I thought that's ridiculous. I would never do that. Well, when God got ahold of my heart and convicted me that I actually was, it was not good for me to try to deal with this stuff on my own. I knew I needed to confess to somebody and I prayed like Lord. Who can I talk to? That's the guy who came to mind for me. That's the guy who came to mind for me. This is so important because God wants you free. I want you free.

Speaker 1: 13:53

I'm talking to the person in the room who I know is dealing with shame and struggle, because I've been there and I am there.

Speaker 1: 14:01

I'm not struggling with sexual sin the way I once did. But there are parts of my personality or things that I struggle with in my mind, my own sense of my self-worth, that make it hard sometimes to be open and honest and I have to press through those fears with people that are most important to me in my life that I know I can trust. Let them know about those things and I want to see you help them that same way, and that's what the coaches here at Regeneration are for. But certainly God has provision for you, I think, even in your local church community. So begin asking him. Lord, you've made us for community, you've made us for relationship. Would you help us to step across shame and fear, to press through those things and to find your embracing love on the other side, that we might become more and more sexually holy and we might know ourselves as those who are known and loved? I ask this in the name of Jesus, amen.