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Becoming Whole
Relationships and sexuality are areas of life that can be beautiful or confusing, life-giving, or painful. Becoming Whole is a conversational podcast for men, women, and families seeking to draw nearer to Jesus as they navigate topics like sexual integrity, relational healing, spiritual health, and so much more.
Becoming Whole
You Need a Rule of Life Part 1
Freedom doesn't happen by accident. Whether we realize it or not, our daily routines, habits, and patterns are shaping who we're becoming—either drawing us deeper into wholeness or reinforcing cycles of brokenness.
The practice of a "rule of life" offers hope and structure for those struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors.
From scripture reading and prayer to solitude, fasting, and physical exercise, we discuss practical disciplines that support recovery from sexual struggles. Rather than one-size-fits-all prescriptions, we discuss how to personalize these practices to match your unique needs, personality, and circumstances.
Jesus himself demonstrated a pattern of spiritual practices: early morning solitude, regular community worship, and intimate relationships with close disciples. His example invites us to consider what practices might create space in our busy lives to be with Him, become like Him, and do what He did.
Resources from this episode:
- Rule of Life Workbook
- Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster
- Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton
- Daily examen
Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole
👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)
Hey friends, we want to get into a topic today that has kind of I don't know. I don't even know how to explain it. I was trying to do this before and I tried to start before, but let me say it this way One of my passions is that people who are struggling in the area of sexuality whether their own unwanted sexual behaviors, the things they're attracted to and they're not sure why, somebody else in their family who has gone off the rails, either a spouse or partner, who has been unfaithful, um or uh, a kid who has embraced the ideas of the culture and is has become prodigal in that way, uh, one of one of my passions is that folks in those situations discover that what Christianity offers them, what Jesus offers them, is actually enough, that he himself is the savior. There's no place in their lives that is exempted from the reality that Jesus can save us. And so I love, I love, I love when I find resonance between best practices, when it comes to sexual addiction recovery, for example, and good Christian spirituality.
Speaker 1:It's kind of an underlying theme, I think, in what regeneration tries to do, because we believe that Jesus really is the savior of the world, including people who struggle with all sorts of things. So, with that in mind, today we want to talk about an ancient spiritual idea of a spiritual rule of life. Spiritual idea of a spiritual rule of life, and we're going to tie it into something that you need in your own journey, your own recovery journey and, uh, and I hope you see in this that you are just one of everybody you you are, you're like everybody else on the planet who needs something like this. So, um, with me today, james Craig, one of our spiritual coaches and our director of projects, james, good to see you Everyone.
Speaker 1:James, when you hear the words rule of life, what comes to mind for you? Well, I wonder.
Speaker 2:First, if people are like okay, rules, I don't know if I want more rules coming into this Yep, it's better than that. Just wait and see. It's better than that. What comes to my mind and I don't have a succinct definition, as you know, but like things that we do on a regular basis, like kind of we map out you know I love maps and I'm very spatial but kind of map out what we need to live this Christian life, to flourish, Maybe that's the way to put it.
Speaker 2:I said optimize earlier when we were talking offline, like a millennial would. But more than self optimization, this is about living a flourishing life. Like it makes me think of that idea from the church, father Irenaeus, I believe, who says that the glory of God is a man fully alive, of course, or a woman fully alive. The glory of God is when we are fully alive in God. Alive, the glory of God is when we are fully alive in God. So, like, how do we get there? Like you know, I'm also very systematic, so I think rule of life can be one of those ways we move toward that. That flourish, flourishing, that displaying of the glory of God.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Good, that's great, it's actually it's. It's, uh, and I appreciate you brought up the idea of the rule and how, um, most of us, or many of us, uh, will bristle at that, Like you know, wait, wait, this is Christianity. We're not introducing more rules, are we? Uh, which whole conversations we can have around that alone. Um, the idea of a rule of life, the, that idea, rule, that word rule actually comes from I don't know what, is it Latin or something, but originally it's equated with more like the idea of a trellis. When you're trying to grow a plant, you use a trellis to hold the plant up so that as it grows, the weight of the fruit doesn't pull the plant down to the ground, where animals will eat it, rot, will get it, those kinds of things, and so the more robust your plant is, the more fruitful your plant is, the higher, stronger you need the trellis, and spiritual fathers and mothers have recognized that in the spiritual life we actually need supports so that we can flourish.
Speaker 1:Some of you will bristle at that a little bit. Go, wait, wait, that sounds a little bit like you're saying that Jesus isn't enough, that grace isn't enough. Not saying that. We're not saying that. What we are saying is, if I could put it this way, is this that Jesus really cares God? It is a fundamental reality for God that he will not say yes for us. Say yes for us that if we, if we want him, he is available to us, but he will not force himself on us.
Speaker 1:And so spiritual practices, spiritual disciplines, those kinds of things that will make up a rule of life, they'll make up the trellis that helps us to grow and we'll get into that more in a minute are really places and spaces we put ourselves where we are saying yes to God. They're they're places in our schedule. They are practices that we do to help open us to God. It's a kind of a each one might be our own individual kind of yes to the Lord, all right, so track with us there. If you're still not sure, it's okay, stick with us. Let me give a definition here. Actually and I'm going to steal this directly from um, uh, a ministry called practicing the way, led by oh, it's gone. Where did I? What'd I do with it?
Speaker 1:I just I just yes.
Speaker 2:Um, uh, I'm going to.
Speaker 1:I'm going to type it in, if you can hear me typing on the on the thing, that's. That's the way it goes. Um, yeah, john Mark Homer has a ministry called Practicing the Way and he helps us to frame up what a rule of life is and what practices he believes should be a part of everybody's rule of life. But I want to read his definition specifically about rule of life what a rule of life is, and I think it'll help to consider how does this apply to you and your recovery journey, the recovery of your marriage, the recovery of your own integrity? How do these things apply? So just kind of go ahead of me there. So this is what he says about a rule of life is a schedule and set of practices and relational rhythms that help us create space in our busy world for us to be with Jesus, become like Jesus and do what Jesus did.
Speaker 2:Okay, a rule of life is a schedule that's powerful.
Speaker 1:It's got a lot there. Rule of life is a schedule and a set of practices and relational rhythms that help us create space in our busy world. That's my version of yes to create spaces for yes, in our busy world for us to be with Jesus, become like Jesus and do what Jesus did. He goes on a little bit further, but he also says this while the word rule may strike you as a stricter, binding constraint, the Latin I was right about that the Latin word we translate rule was originally the word for a trellis in a vineyard. So there you go. All right. So, james, take it back for a second, um, what are you hearing in there, and maybe even get a little bit ahead of us, um, but let's actually don't don't go ahead of us to the recovery work yet, but just just in the realm of um, people in general, what do you, what do you think? What do you see as the value of a rule of life?
Speaker 2:this kind of trellis, these, this, this uh, schedule and set of practices and relational rhythms that help create space in our busy world for us to be with jesus I've heard that, uh, discipleship which might be where we get the word discipline, from which I'm sure we'll unpack some of spiritual discipline, language or practices but discipleship is learning to do what Jesus did, like learning to obey and love Jesus, to lovingly obey Jesus I think I've heard it said.
Speaker 2:So there's something about. There's like a last stanza there I should have in front of me too but there's something about like becoming like Jesus, walking with Jesus, doing what he did and we see Jesus doing things that you could call part of your role of life, like going off to pray and like recognizing that we are formed as we participate with him in doing the things he did. That feels like a really important idea. Like we're being sanctified still by grace, but like we're engaging it, we're walking in it, we're opening the gift, and part of that is what he's modeled and part of that is doing it with him. I think that's actually really key. Like maybe we'll talk about this later, but many times we get stuck in spiritual practices because we're not able to relationally connect with him while reading the Bible or doing different things.
Speaker 1:But becoming like him in that process, that's good, yeah, yeah, let me give those to you again. So the reason for these is to be with Jesus, become like Jesus and do what Jesus did. And, by the way, we'll have a we'll link to this specific part of John Mark Homer's site practicing the way, um, in the show notes. Uh, it's in. He has actually has a link here on how to create your own rule of life, um, that some of you may want to take advantage of. Um, yeah, I, I.
Speaker 1:One of the things that comes to mind for me is is this that that we live in a world that has, uh, lots of rules of life, lots of their own trellises for the kind of fruit that the world would like to produce in you, um.
Speaker 1:So, for example, we live in a, in a consumeristic culture at least here in the West, we had very consumeristic culture, um, and we have lots and lots and lots of trellises around us supporting that we would be buyers, that we would buy things, that we would see things, want them, buy them, see things, want them, believe we need them and buy them.
Speaker 1:It's hard to get through a day, let alone a week, let alone a month, certainly, let alone a year in the United States without seeing something new that you never thought you might need or never thought you might want and not think. Hmm, that might be really good, that might bring me life, that might make me more of the person I hope to be. So we're surrounded by rules of life everywhere, uh, and, and part of what we're trying to get after in this podcast is is that Jesus, too, invites us to become like him, to be with him, become like him, live like he did. And it's not going to happen just by floating along with the, with the, the current of the culture, because the current of the culture has its own design for the, for what it believes we are meant to be, who it believes we're meant to spend our time with and what it believes we were supposed to be doing with our days.
Speaker 2:So, instead of you're kind of saying that, even if we don't map it out, even if we're not thoughtful about it, we are being swept into rules of life.
Speaker 1:We're following rules of life, even if we're not trying to. I think so. I think so. What do you think?
Speaker 2:about that. Yeah Well, even as you're talking, I'm like you know, if we think about the normal practices in our life, like if you were to really think about it, if you looked at the last seven days, what would it would you be able to map on your calendar? My rule of life is watching netflix from 8 pm to 11 pm every night, or you know what I mean. Like, yeah, it's almost like if we were to actually map out what we're currently living by the trellises in our lives, we might actually see some real consistency. And, like you're saying, with the shopping thing, like we're inundated, in part because of maybe watching stuff like ads come through into our homes and whatnot, but we're inundated with things that we haven't maybe even considered. Like these are structures in our lives that are impacting us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean, I think I think like one way, another way to think coming at this whole thing is that is that God has designed us as creatures of habit, that we're actually wired neurologically to develop habits that help us to move along. I mean, one of the examples we've given in the past is the idea of, like, if you walk into a room a hundred times and reach for the light switch a hundred times, by the 101th time you don't even have to look, you know where to reach and you just flip on the light switch. I know, when we moved offices a few years ago, every time I'd go into the little kitchenette I'd reach, without even thinking about it, reach to the right to flip on the light switch, and it was on the left. Why did I do that? Well, because I had been habitualized to reach for the, for the light switch on the right, cause that's where it reason behind god's design. That way is that is that it helps us to be able to do more stuff and to not have to spend time thinking all the time about how much of the light I want. Like be a pretty laborious life if we'd never learned to walk, and every time we did. We had to think about what was, you know, left, right, like.
Speaker 1:But no, we're creatures of habit. We learn it, we can do it, we grow in the spiritual life. The same same principles are true, are true, relation to the same principles are true. But when we develop those habits and they're not healthy, or they lead us to be with people that aren't healthy and to become people aren't healthy and to do things that are unhealthy, then the habits work against us and those are what, you know, we might kind of, in common nomenclature, call unhealthy habits or bad habits. Um and so why? They put it in ways sorry, you know, rule of life. In a real way it's just kind of like hey, I want to develop healthy, godly habits in my life. I want the routines that kind of come out of me naturally to be things that that are good for me, Can I, can I nerd out on brain science just for a second yeah?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah please, I love what you do. So I've heard from Jim Wilder, who calls himself a neurotheologian, a lot of great stuff that he has. But the left brain refreshes at like five times a second. So five Hertz if you know that word, that physics word, hertz, not five Hertz, five refreshes a second. The right brain's faster six Hertz, six refreshes. So it's always going to be faster to go right to left.
Speaker 2:But then once you have white matter, that's all gray matter. When we have white matter form through habits, it's so much stronger, it's less malleable, isn't changeable as easily and it can go at I think is it 300 times a second or like it's something unreal fast. Um, it might be 300 times faster than the left brain, whatever it was. Once we actually form that gray matter into white matter through habits, we move incredibly fast. That's why Elon Musk hasn't yet figured out how to make self-driving cars faster than the human brain, because it's actually so fast.
Speaker 2:But one of the things I want to quickly tie this to a lot of times when I hear this stuff I'm like, okay, that's the brain.
Speaker 2:But we're also talking about spiritual formation, like what do we do with that? And I'm just thinking back to literally the episode with Elizabeth Wanning that will have aired about a month ago at this point that I just recorded with her. She talks about how we're not as divided and I think John Marcoma you've said says this as well our spirits and our bodies are not as divided as we think and arguably, if you take cs lewis's line of thought, that the little decisions we make are making us more a creature of heaven or a creature of hell over time, that white matter, even though I don't know how it'll transition into the new heavens and new earth, god god knows the details of all that. Maybe, maybe there's people who know more than I do, but there's still something releasing. I know I'm saying brain matter, but that matters. That is, actually making an impact on your soul and on your spirit yeah, I love that, yeah, I mean it.
Speaker 1:And those listening who wrestle with unwanted sexual behaviors, you, you know this experientially. I mean you know something comes across your purview. You are not thinking about x, y and z or a little bit cliche here, but you're not thinking about triple x. And then suddenly you are, and it's's not because you you made a conscious decision to go that direction, it's because you're that you've learned. Your brain, your body have learned over time that when a happens, b happens, triple X happens, like that's the way your body's learned it, and so part of recovery is teaching your brain and body to learn something different. And and we've, in all that we've talked about with spiritual rule of life so far and habits so far, we've kind of left out even that. They're that actually it's not just um, neutral forces working upon you or you know different options working apart there. There are literally, according to jesus, malevolent forces that are working upon you to try to get you to develop habits that direct your life away from God, away from being with God, away from being like God, away from doing the things that God would have you do. And, um, we're, we're talking about, you know, the world, the flesh and the devil the unholy Trinity has some have called it the world, the flesh and the devil um, actually do not want you to follow Jesus. And so, um, and this is true for every Christian, but we certainly have can experience it even in our, in our, in a very bodily sense, as we're wrestling with sexual sins. Or, if you're listening, and, hey, sexual sin is not my problem, but it is my, my spouse's problem, um, you know it from some of the learned responses you have to your spouse as you're trying to rebuild trust with him or her. Um, there are some things that have happened to you, around you, experience you've had that make it difficult for you to walk in peace with Jesus, to keep your eyes on him, um, et cetera, et cetera. So this idea of rule of life is is really not to give you more to do, it is really to try to set you up for more freedom. And again, if you've already got a rule of life, let me say differently you already do have a rule of life, and there may be malevolent forces that have introduced their rule of life for you that you're living with. That's not pointing a finger at you, it's just saying hey, welcome to living in a fallen world, and so Jesus is inviting you to a different way. So a couple of biblical examples here I think about. It's not hard to think about Jesus.
Speaker 1:The gospel writers talked about how he had a habit of getting up early while it was still dark and going away to pray by himself. So that was a part of Jesus's rule of life. Jesus would go to the temple. That was a part of his rule of life. Jesus gathered 12 people around him to live with him, to walk with him, to be with him all the time. That was a part of his rule of life and might suggest it was a part of the rule of life he was inviting them into also.
Speaker 1:Might also think here of what Paul writes to Timothy when he compares discipleship to the life of an athlete or the life of a soldier and he really challenges Timothy basically like don't intermingle with kind of the ways that just the world flows here. Consider yourself like an athlete or consider yourself like a military person who recognizes that if they do what everybody else does, they actually will not be able to compete or they will not be able to combat the way that they're designed to, the way that they're supposed to. They need to discipline life, a life that actually sets them up for success in their whatever their given sport is or whatever their given battle is.
Speaker 2:So yeah, one way Dallas Willard talks about that is if you were to try to replicate hitting the ball out of the park. You know hitting a home run and you watch your favorite baseball player I'm out here in LA. It might be Otani one of the, you know, generational talents. It seems like you study everything about his batting form, the way he swings the bat, and you match all that. You're still not going to hit the ball out of the park. If there's a professional pitcher, you know throwing the ball toward you. Why? Because there's working out behind the scenes, there's practicing, engaging the pitchers on his team. There's so much background stuff that if you were to just replicate the action of hitting the ball out of the park, you wouldn't be able to.
Speaker 1:That's actually a really important point because if you think about a lot of things that we value in our lives whether it's the work that we do, the academics that we were involved in, the, the way that we take care of our lawn, um, the fact that we put that we have three meals a day all of those things are are quote unquote rules. They're structures that we put into our life and into our practices because we believe they help us to thrive and we don't think of them as constraints. We don't kind of whine and go like, oh, you're giving me more to do. We go like, well, I mean, or maybe we do when we're talking about mowing the lawn, but you know.
Speaker 2:But I want to have a nice lawn or to compete with my neighbors, you know whatever.
Speaker 1:Well, we, we recognize, right, like I need to take care of my lawn If I want to get lawn, a farmer recognizes, like the farmer's a great example. Like we'll, we'll not live their, their year without abiding by the rhythms they need to live by in order to cultivate a healthy field. So, all right, I think you guys are with us. So we're going to, we're going to move on to let's, let's just talk for a minute about, um, uh, rule of life in recovery. Um, but, but, before we do that, just, let's, just, we're just going to throw out, and James I, but before we do that, we're just going to throw out, and James I invite you to throw out too. What are some of the pieces that make up a rule of life or that could make up a rule of life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I actually wanted to ask you that because I think examples would help me. Could you actually share first, Josh?
Speaker 1:Because I want to make sure I'm thinking of it the exact same way you are. Yeah, I mean, you used the word spiritual disciplines earlier. I think that, like I grew up with the spiritual discipline of, like you know, daily we called it a quiet time or devotional time with the lord, which included reading scripture, studying scripture and prayer. Sometimes people break it down further and say, during the prayer time, we're going to do these certain kinds of prayers, like we're going to, we're going to worship god. We're going to do these certain kinds of prayers Like we're going to, we're going to worship God daily. We're going to adore God daily. We're going to make requests of God daily. What are the daily needs that we're dealing with? Um, for example? Um, same with scripture, there might be other, like specific rules that people have abided by there, like I'm going to. You know, I don't just open somewhere randomly every day and read you know a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Um, I know some people who are, who are adamant about reading through all of scripture in a year. Uh, I personally right now am spending a year in two books of the Bible Psalms and John. Um, I'm sorry, that's not true. I got that wrong. The Psalms and the, and the four gospels, matthew, mark, luke and John, um, uh, with a devotional that I'm using, uh, spending the whole year just in those, that's. That's where I'm parking for the year. Um, I know another brother who reads a proverb every day. That's part of his, his role, so, so anyway.
Speaker 1:So prayer, scripture, um, others might be things like silence and solitude. Those don't necessarily have to go together, but they often do. Silence, just being getting quiet with Jesus, might be for five minutes, might be for an hour, might be for a day. I know people have taken week long silent retreats. I've never done that. It probably do me real good. Solitude, spending time alone with Jesus, and, interestingly, if you're an introvert, that might really really appeal to you. If you're an extrovert it might not and it might be something that an introvert wouldn't want to major in, but it's certainly something that an extrovert might still need. Fasting is another. We'll talk a little more about that in a minute. Fasting meaning specifically abstaining from food for a set period of time, a long enough set period of time that you actually get hungry. I fasted for the last five minutes. You know, after dinner, um confession, um fellowship, so Sunday service is something that a lot of us do. Um, yeah, so those are. Those are some examples.
Speaker 2:Uh, sabbath is another times of rest, so what would you add what other kinds I actually, as you're talking, I'm like I actually think I listed these out over the years, so I have one from 2020. I have one from 2023. And now I think it's time I do one for right now, cause I one of the things I'm highlighting there is it can change over time, it can shift depending on needs and circumstances. Right, for good reasons. Right.
Speaker 2:So right now, what's really been giving me life in this idea of a rule of life are a few things. One is daily 30 minute, sometimes an hour walk with God. When I first wake up, I will fall back asleep. If I try to get into the chair for a quiet time or prayer time or whatever. I go on a walk.
Speaker 2:I've heard of other Christians doing this and that is actually a place for me to get my emotions in touch with God. So it's like it's not just like, hey, I want to pray through this list, it's like God, this is what I'm going through. These are things I haven't processed yet. I often use the Lord's prayer as a broad template, like to kind of guide me through, but that's been super life-giving. I've also been doing a form of Lectio when I get home from that to again, but this is from the Gaultiers. I learned it from my lead pastor, but he got it from this ministry called Soul Shepherding, led by the Gaultiers, and it's a short version of Lectio with just three questions, as you read the scripture slowly three times to help get in.
Speaker 1:Lectio Divina is what you've got.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so sacred slow and sacred yeah, slow, sacred reading, like reading and saying Holy Spirit, would you minister to me and highlight stuff? So the first reading is like highlight a word. The second one, though, for this type of Lectio, is like what feelings or situations in my life connect with this word in this passage? And then the third is like Lord, what do you want to say to me about it and how you know? So it's, it's become a pretty dynamic space that I've found like okay, I'm actually learning how to like get my emotions in touch with God.
Speaker 2:One other thing that's really been key and I'll stop after this I've broken mine down into daily, weekly, monthly, yearly in the past when I've written this, but one of the things that's become really key is finding time for fitness, physical fitness. I was just telling Josh, before we got on, I've been in the habit of weightlifting, which could be really helpful for the way our muscles hold stress in, and if you're in a healing ministry, like what we do, we're not perfect at not taking on stress At least I'm not and so finding a way to work out in a way that's actually life-giving, but also doing cardio, I've found, is actually really good for my mental health, and those things give me more energy for the work I do. They give me more energy to connect with God. I'm often either learning through a podcast or a book while I'm working out, or just listening to music and letting my mind wander, maybe praying as I go.
Speaker 2:So I don't know. It's just been interesting to find these different spaces to really I don't know pursue flourishing right, Like things that are actually helping me to. They're not things that I dread. I guess that's what I'm trying to highlight. Like there's been times where I'm like okay, I got to have the daily quiet time, I got to wake up at six, sit in my chair and do it, and there's nothing wrong with that, but for me that was not actually working well.
Speaker 1:James, let me ask you this question. I want to dig into that last thing. You said a lot, cause I, I think one of the people, can go sideways on rule of life. Yeah, um, in in that way. I mean even if, even if they understand what you know rule as trellis or trellis of life or whatever, but I think it can, I find in my life that it can. I can get so easily confused about why I'm doing this. I mean, even just day to day, like I'm, you know, almost like this is supposed to what in my life, like, um, so, so when you say it wasn't helpful for you, like in what ways have you found doing some spiritual disciplines for X, y and Z reasons actually wasn't helpful in helping you be with Jesus, walk with Jesus and do the things that Jesus did, wasn't helpful?
Speaker 1:in helping you be with Jesus, walk with Jesus and do the things that Jesus did. And yeah, okay, so, hey, so we're going to talk more about the rule of life, but we're going to cut it for this week. So, what you take what you've heard so far and and go with it. Just walk with it a little bit, see if you can kind of find some places in your life where you might introduce an idea or two or take out something or two or talk to your community about it. Just, you know, noodle on a little bit. We'll pick up next week because we've got a lot more to say about rule of life.
Speaker 2:And I'll close in just a brief word of prayer, lord. I just pray that you would give us wisdom as we consider these things, as we consider things you're inviting us into, and how to even think about spiritual practices, spiritual disciplines. Grow our wisdom and grow our joy in connecting with you through these things. Pray this in the name of the Father and of the Son of the Holy Spirit, amen. Amen.
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