Becoming Whole
Relationships and sexuality are areas of life that can be beautiful or confusing, life-giving, or painful. Becoming Whole is a conversational podcast for men, women, and families seeking to draw nearer to Jesus as they navigate topics like sexual integrity, relational healing, spiritual health, and so much more.
Becoming Whole
Acting In
Caught between exploding and imploding? You're not alone. This episode uncovers the hidden connection between acting out (through behaviors like porn, alcohol, or overworking) and acting in (through withdrawal, passive-aggression, and emotional shutdown). What looks like self-control on the surface might actually be self-contempt in disguise.
Ready for transformation? Join us for the men's Awaken retreat (October 3-5) or the women's Sacred by Design retreat (November 7-8). Space is limited, so reserve your spot today through the link in our show notes.
Resources:
Brene Brown's Ted Talk on Shame
For more information or to join click one of the links below.
Manna - Men seeking freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, temptation, and shame.
Oasis - Women seeking freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, temptation, and shame.
Compass - Wives seeking healing from betrayal and broken trust.
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Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole
👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)
Have you ever found yourself promising I'll never do that again, only to do it again a week later? Or maybe you've gone the other direction. You shut down, pull away and feel cold, bitter or resentful, but you tell yourself at least I'm in control. Here's the truth. All here's the truth. Whether you explode or implode, escape or withdraw, you're likely caught in a pattern. You can't white knuckle your way out of Today. I want to name that pattern and offer you a better path. Friends, welcome in to the Becoming Whole podcast. My name is Aaron Taggart and I am one of Armin's spiritual coaches here at Regeneration.
Speaker 1:In today's episode, I'm going to talk about two sides of the same coin how acting out and acting in both sabotage our joy, because the real issue isn't just about behavior, it's about intimacy and beneath it all, it's shame. So let's talk about it, let's get under the surface and let's remember together that joy isn't found in perfection, it's found in connection. So let's define the coin we keep flipping. The two sides of this coin are acting out and acting in. Acting out refers to those external behaviors we turn to for relief, things like porn, sex, fantasy, alcohol, overworking, maybe even binge eating, alcohol, overworking, maybe even binge eating. These are outward expressions of inner turmoil. But acting in? That's quieter and it's talked about way less. It's more socially acceptable and it looks like emotional withdrawal, passive-aggressive anger, blaming your spouse or friends, withholding affection and shutting down when you're hurt.
Speaker 1:Acting in is not self-control, it's self-contempt. It might look like control, calm, demeanor, silence, restraint, even religious piety. But beneath the surface, acting in is often powered by internal shame, not inner strength. You're not being quiet because you're at peace. You're being quiet because you believe your voice doesn't matter. You're not withholding emotion because you're mature. You're withholding because you've judged your needs or feelings as undeserving. Self-contempt tells you you don't get to ask for anything. You're the problem. So fix it silently. You don't deserve comfort. Sit with your shame. It's like becoming your own jailer, punishing yourself for having real human needs. And that's not strength, that's suffering in silence. True self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, born from love, not shame. It comes from knowing your worth, your identity, your secure belonging in Christ. But self-contempt is the counterfeit. It imitates self-control, but it lacks joy, compassion and relational openness. It's not holiness, it's hiddenness. It's not strength, it's survival. It's not repentance, it's inner rejection. And God has something so much better for you.
Speaker 1:Both acting out and acting in are symptoms of the same root shame. One looks like rebellion, the other looks like control, but both are about self-protection and both cut us off from the joy and intimacy we were created for. So if both acting out and acting in are just two sides of the same coin, what's the metal the coin is made of? That's shame. Shame is not just an emotion. It's a story, a script, a heavy cloak we learn to wear early in life and once it settles into our bones, it tells us dangerous things. You're not enough, you're too much, you'll never change, You're the problem. And over time we stop questioning those voices, we start building our lives around them. We try to achieve our way out, perform our way out, behave our way out or rebel, escape and numb.
Speaker 1:Dr Brene Brown defines shame as the intensely painful feeling of experience, believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. And here's the catch when we believe we are unworthy of love, we'll do anything to avoid the pain of intimacy, because intimacy says let me see you, and shame says if they saw me, they'd leave. So we numb, we turn to porn, hookups and other unwanted sexual behaviors. We scroll endlessly. We stay busy, maybe we drink, we overeat, we overwork, we isolate, we escape into fantasies, sexual, romantic or just what-if? Daydreams, and in doing so we slowly disconnect from reality.
Speaker 1:Brene Brown calls this selective numbing, and here's the hard truth. We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the dark, we also numb the light. So you can't deaden your grief without also dulling your joy. You can't bury your anger without also burying your wonder. You can't suppress fear without also silencing hope, fear without also silencing hope.
Speaker 1:Numbing is an attempt to survive pain, but it ends up silencing the very emotions that make us human and make us capable of love and the cost. We become people who look alive on the outside but are emotionally flatlined on the inside. We wonder why we can't feel joy, why intimacy feels awkward, why love feels foreign. It's because the walls we built to keep pain out also keep love out. But the gospel enters here with a startling reversal. You are not flawed and unworthy of love. You are broken and beloved. You are seen fully and invited. Still. This is where healing begins Not with striving but with receiving, not with numbing but with naming. Jesus doesn't numb your shame, he names it, he faces it and he redeems it. So if shame leads us to numb, and numbing cuts us off from joy, what happens when we stop being able to feel at all? We don't disappear, we adapt, we survive.
Speaker 1:Donald Nathanson, a leading voice in shame research, developed a framework known as the Compass of Shame, a model outlining four common defensive strategies we adopt in response to shame. Let's briefly unpack each direction and how it might show up in everyday life. First is avoidance. This is distraction disguised as normal life. We bury ourselves in work, productivity, binge-watching, religious activity, even ministry, anything, to avoid the voice of shame. We say things like I'm just tired, but deep down we know we're hiding. Think of King David here, avoiding confrontation after his sin with Bathsheba. He distracts, deceives and delays, but none of it brought peace. Second is attacking others. This is the angry face of shame. Second is attacking others. This is the angry face of shame. We push the shame off of ourselves by putting it on to others.
Speaker 1:Criticism, sarcasm, control, rage. It keeps people far enough away that they won't see what we're afraid of. We become the harsh father, the demanding boss, the cold spouse. It's the spirit of Saul who couldn't handle David's rising success and turned to jealousy, attack and pursuit. He couldn't deal with his own inner shame, so he made David the enemy.
Speaker 1:Third is attacking self. This is inner contempt, the voice that says I'm such a failure, I'm disgusting, I'll never get this right. This voice feels religious sometimes, but it's actually spiritual self-abuse. It's what Judas did after betraying Jesus. Instead of returning to grace like Peter, he turned inward and self-destructed Shame twisted his failure into fatalism. And fourth is withdrawal. This is silent shame. We go emotionally cold, we ghost conversations, we isolate, not because we don't care but because we've already concluded we're disqualified from being loved. It's the prodigal son in the pigsty Not just feeding swine but believing that swine is all he deserves, deserves.
Speaker 1:These four responses avoiding attacking others, attacking self and withdraw are not bad habits. They are trauma-borne strategies to survive shame. But here's the problem the very defenses we use to protect ourselves from shame become prisons that keep us from love. They build walls we can't climb and we slowly become numb, angry, bitter or invisible. But, friend, hear this Jesus doesn't come to punish your shame reactions. He comes to meet you in them. He doesn't need you to be better behaved. He longs for you to be fully seen and deeply loved and he knows you won't heal by pretending you don't feel shame. You'll only heal by bringing it into the light.
Speaker 1:So if shame drives us to avoid attack or withdraw, what exactly is it whispering beneath the surface? What are the core lies that fuel those reactions? Because if we don't name those messages, we'll keep living by them even if we don't realize it. This brings us to what's called the three eyes of shame, the hidden identity statements that sit beneath most of our self-sabotage and our resistance to intimacy. These are insignificance that says I don't matter. This lie makes you feel invisible, even in a crowded room. It shows up when your presence feels optional, when your voice feels unwelcome, when you believe the best thing you can do is stay out of the way. This is the orphan heart, the boy inside who learned long ago I'm not worth noticing, but scripture says you are precious and honored in my sight. I love you, isaiah 43.4.
Speaker 1:Another I is incompetence that says I'll never get it right. This lie keeps you striving, performing and overanalyzing. It whispers no matter how hard you try, you're not enough. You see every mistake as proof. You dread responsibility because it exposes your inadequacy. It's Moses saying I'm not a good speaker. It's Peter sinking after a moment of faith. But listen to the truth. Not that we are competent in ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 2 Corinthians 3.5.
Speaker 1:And the third I is impotence. This says I'm powerless. This lie says things will never change. I can't make a difference, I'm stuck. You may feel paralyzed in conflict, passive in your marriage, stuck in addiction. Powerlessness becomes your posture and despair becomes familiar. But God says something radically different. You have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1.7.
Speaker 1:Each of these lies insignificance, incompetence and impotence form a false identity. They don't just distort how you see yourself, they disfigure how you receive love, how you relate to God and how you show up in the world. They aren't healed by behavior modification. They're only healed by behavior modification. They're only healed by identity transformation, by learning to hear, receive and trust what God says about you more than what shame has said. So ask yourself which of these three I's has been shaping your story and what would it look like to invite Jesus into that place, not with pressure, but with presence, because where shame says who do you think you are, god says you are mine. Once shame has shaped how we see ourselves, it naturally begins to shape how we treat others, especially the people closest to us, because when you believe you're insignificant, incompetent or powerless, you start trying to control what you can your environment, your relationships, your emotions and in that effort, we often don't act out.
Speaker 1:We act in. Acting in is one of the most overlooked barriers to joy and intimacy, because it often masquerades as self-control, strength or just being tired, but left unaddressed, it will shut down connection, sabotage vulnerability and destroy intimacy from the inside out. According to Dr Omar Manwala, common acting in behaviors include things like stonewalling this is where you go silent as a way to punish or to self-protect. Perhaps it's controlling with anger, using emotion to manipulate rather than to connect. Passivity this is abdicating leadership or ownership in relationships. Withholding love this is using coldness as power. Blame and criticism this is defecting pain by projecting it onto others. Or avoidance this is escaping reality or emotional discomfort.
Speaker 1:We see acting in throughout scripture too. Take Adam in Genesis 3. After the fall, he hides, blames and covers himself. That's acting in Blame, avoidance and shame-fueled control. Or focusing on the speck in our brother's eye and not paying attention to the plank in our own eye, as in Matthew 7, verse 3. This is blaming, criticizing and avoiding too.
Speaker 1:The goal of acting in is to stay safe, but the result is relational destruction and emotional shutdown. When we don't know how to let love in, even kindness can feel like a threat. Even kindness can feel like a threat. Okay, so we've named the behaviors stonewalling, anger, passivity, avoidance. We've seen how they often mask fear and shame rather than strength and maturity. But now comes the deeper question when did I learn to live this way? Because these patterns don't come from nowhere. They're not just bad habits, they're survival strategies forged in the fire of our earliest experiences. We don't just act in because we're difficult or broken. We act in because, Thank you. We act in because somewhere along the way we learned it was safer than being seen.
Speaker 1:To truly heal, we have to go beyond behavior. We have to go to the story that taught us how to survive. And this is where the work of Jay Stringer becomes so helpful, because he invites us not to run from our stories but to walk back into them with honor and honesty and with Jesus. Jay Stringer teaches that our unwanted sexual and emotional behaviors are not random. Rather, they are symptoms of our unaddressed stories. Rather, they are symptoms of our unaddressed stories. He writes, and healing begins when we look with compassion and truth at our own past, not to excuse sin but to understand it, so we can finally interrupt the cycle. And Jay urges us to hold our stories with two holy postures honor and honesty. We honor the wounded child in us who tried to survive the chaos or abandonment, and we stop shaming him. Or honesty, we stop pretending we're fine and start telling the truth about what happened and what we did with the pain.
Speaker 1:I remember one of my clients one time was sharing a story. One of my clients one time was sharing a story. His mother, growing up, had to work multiple jobs and she did everything that she could for him and that she had to do to provide a roof over the head and to put food on the table. But this often meant that he was at home alone, sort of lock and key, and he didn't get a lot of his mom's attention or her time. And it was through doing some story work that he was able to realize that he could actually name that without blaming his mom.
Speaker 1:See, it's not about blame, it's about being able to name these different parts of our stories again with that honor and honesty honor and honesty and to realize that naming those things is not the same as placing blame. See, shame grows in secrecy, but it dies in the presence of safe, loving connection. And when we name what happened and how we coped, we create space for redemption. This is why connection matters more than just stopping behavior. As Johan Hari says, the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection. By stepping into our stories with honor and honesty, we open the door to connection. So we've begun to name our story. We've started to see how shame formed our defenses and how our behaviors, especially acting in, are rooted in the pain we've carried silently for years.
Speaker 1:But, friends, here's the good news Jesus doesn't just meet us in the middle of our shame, he leads us out of it. And he doesn't do it with pressure, he does it with joy. Because the end goal of this healing journey, through all the naming, the truth-telling, the connection, it's not just sobriety, control or behavior change. The goal is joy, deep, soul-level, spirit-born joy. In John 15.11, jesus says to his disciples I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. Let that sink in. Jesus isn't offering a shallow cheerfulness of religious positivity, he's offering his joy, the very joy that sustained him through betrayal, suffering and even the cross. This isn't a joy that comes from our performance. It's a joy that comes from abiding in his love and being fully known, fully forgiven and fully received. And here's the beauty. And here's the beauty. The very places where shame once told you you don't belong are the places Jesus wants to fill you with joy that cannot be taken from you.
Speaker 1:So many of us have settled for emotional numbness. We've bought the lie that it's safer not to feel at all. But Jesus didn't die so that you could manage your pain. He died so you could be fully alive. And that's what he wants for you Not just relief, not just behavior management, but the fullness of joy. So if Jesus offers us his joy not as a reward but as a birthright His joy not as a reward but as a birthright how do we begin to live like that's true?
Speaker 1:How do we take all of this truth about shame, our story, our old patterns, and begin practicing something new? Because healing doesn't happen in a moment. It's just a revelation. Sorry, it's not just a revelation. Rather, it's renovation. We've spent years, maybe decades, building walls to protect ourselves, but now the Spirit is inviting us to trade those walls for bridges, to move from hiding to honesty, from control to connection. And this is what Scripture says about that kind of transformation. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5.17. This is more than a second chance. It's a new way of being the old shame scripts. No longer have to write your next chapter. So what does this look like in practice? Let's revisit those acting and behaviors and imagine a different way forward.
Speaker 1:These aren't just tips for better communication. These are holy disruptions, habits of grace, doorways back into relationship. So, instead of stonewalling, maybe you take a small risk. Say one honest sentence, speak the truth in love. You don't have to have the perfect words, you just have to stay present. And when the conversation feels too intense, maybe you can say something like I want to stay connected, but I need some time to regulate and pray. Can we circle back in about 20 minutes?
Speaker 1:Silence without clarity feels like abandonment to a partner. Giving a time frame keeps safety intact while honoring your limits. Clarity is kindness Instead of controlling with anger. Maybe take a breath and ask what am I feeling underneath? Or what's going on in me right now. I know when I've done this it's made a huge difference, especially in my parenting.
Speaker 1:I can get so frustrated at times with just some of the day-to-day chaos and sibling sort of rivalry and not doing what they've been asked, those types of things. Um, you know, not doing you know what, what they've been asked, those types of things. And when I allow myself to have this sort of buffer moment to ask that question, what's going on in me right now? I I've found that there's a like, almost like this younger part of myself, uh, that is sort of activated part of myself that is sort of activated. Maybe, you know, my voice wasn't heard all the time and no one's listening to me, and so that can kind of stir up some of these other things. So you'll probably also find too that that happens for you as well, and maybe there's a part of you that's afraid of being rejected or abandoned in that moment and that's what you're experiencing, and when you're able to name that, it changes that moment. So instead of controlling with anger, it allows you to move forward more softly. So your anger is often a mask for pain.
Speaker 1:Instead of passivity, make one brave move toward connection. Send the text, initiate the hug. Don't wait for your partner to bring up the tension, say I've been thinking about our conversation yesterday. I realize I shut down and I want to try again. Courage doesn't mean you're not afraid. It means you're not afraid. It means you show up anyway.
Speaker 1:This is the work of relational repair. Instead of withholding love, offer warmth even when you don't feel it fully. Offer a blessing, speak life. Take your partner's hand even when it feels undeserved or uncomfortable. This is how we practice being people of grace. Your partner needs to see consistent, safe presence. Affection without agenda will help to rebuild trust.
Speaker 1:Instead of blame, use impact language, not accusation. So instead of saying you always twist my words, try saying something like when you said that I felt dismissed and I want to be known. In this, impact language honors both your emotions and your partner's dignity. It keeps the door open instead of slamming it shut. Blame distances us, but vulnerability draws others near.
Speaker 1:And instead of hiding, lean into community and let someone in. This might look like joining a betrayal, trauma or recovery group, inviting a counselor or mentor couple into your story, sharing your journey with a trusted spiritual leader, or maybe joining a group at church. Hiding feels like control, but it actually guarantees isolation. And isolation is where shame thrives. Brene Brown calls it the Petri dish. So if you imagine, if you know in science, when you have this Petri dish and you put things in there and you can kind of use a microscope and you can see it, when we put shame in sort of this Petri dish, this isolation we can see it kind of multiplies and it thrives in that sort of environment. So, friends, whether you're stuck in acting out or stuck in acting in, here's the good news you don't have to stay stuck.
Speaker 1:Hebrews 12.2 says that Jesus, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame. You were that joy. I'm going to say that again. You were that joy. He took on your shame so you could live with nothing to hide, nothing to prove and nothing to fear. So today, put down the coin. You don't need to flip between extremes. You can choose a third way, the way of intimacy, vulnerability and joy.
Speaker 1:Before we sign off, I want to personally invite you to two transformational opportunities coming up this fall. For the men, our Awaken retreat is happening October 3rd through the 5th. This will be one unforgettable weekend where you'll experience being known and named by the Father through brotherhood, experiencing the Father's heart and embodied healing. Whether you're just starting out on your recovery journey or you've been walking the path for years, this retreat is for you and for the women. The Sacred by Design retreat is happening November 7th and 8th. It's a unique space for women to slow down, connect deeply with God and rediscover the beauty of who they are, beyond shame, beyond striving. When is the last time you experienced true awe? Make sure to sign up for a time of wonder and healing If you or someone you know is ready for something different, something deeper. Both retreats are now open, but space is limited. For all the details and to reserve your spot, just click the link in the show notes.
Speaker 1:All right, before we go, let me leave you with this. There is a place within you that longs to be seen and fears it more than anything. There's a part of you that believes joy is for other people, that healing is possible, but probably not for you. But here's the truth you are not too far gone, you are not too broken, you are not too late. Jesus didn't run from shame. He ran straight into it Not to scold you but to rescue you. Not to punish but to heal and not to expose you but to embrace you. There is no version of healing that bypasses intimacy, but there is grace for every step. You are invited right now, just as you are.
Speaker 1:Let's pray, jesus. We are so tired of hiding. We've run to things that numbed us or built walls that isolated us. We confess the ways we've acted out in desperation or acted in through contempt and fear. But today we hear you calling us, not with shame but with love, not with judgment but with joy.
Speaker 1:Jesus, would you come into the places we've shut down and shut others out? Break the cycles we can't seem to break ourselves. Teach us how to receive love without fear and how to give love without control. Help us to honor our story, to tell the truth and to trust that your grace is enough. Jesus, you said your joy would be in us and that your joy would be full. Make that promise real in our hearts. Today we put down our defenses, we open our hands and we say yes to intimacy with you and with those you've given us In your beautiful, tender name. Jesus, we pray Amen. Thanks so much for joining us today on the Becoming Whole podcast. It's always an honor to walk alongside you as we pursue deeper healing, greater integrity and a life rooted in the love of Christ. Until next time, keep pressing into the truth, keep walking in grace and a life rooted in a love of Christ. Until next time. Keep pressing into the truth, keep walking in grace and keep becoming whole.
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