Becoming Whole
Relationships and sexuality are areas of life that can be beautiful or confusing, life-giving, or painful. Becoming Whole is a conversational podcast for men, women, and families seeking to draw nearer to Jesus as they navigate topics like sexual integrity, relational healing, spiritual health, and so much more.
Becoming Whole
Advanced Training in Emotions for Recovery
A simple sentence could transform your recovery journey: "I feel ___ about ___ because ___." In this conversation with Sue Moore of Forgiven Much Ministries, we dive deep into an advanced technique for processing emotions that can break cycles of unwanted behavior.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted sexual behavior, processing betrayal trauma, or simply wanting deeper emotional awareness, this conversation offers practical tools for becoming whole. For parents and caregivers, these techniques represent an opportunity to equip the next generation with emotional resilience skills that could prevent future addiction struggles.
Ready to transform how you process pain and emotion? Download the reflective listening resources mentioned and begin your journey toward authentic healing today.
Resources:
FMM Reflective Listening Workshop
Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend
FMM Gospel Centered Sexuality Course kicking off this fall
An Invitation for our annual women's retreat.
Sacred By Design Women's Retreat 2025 - Register Today!
Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole
👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)
Welcome back to the Becoming Whole podcast. I'm James Craig, director of Projects here at Regeneration, and Spiritual Coach, and I'm joined once again by Sue Moore of Forgiven Much Ministries. Welcome back, sue.
Speaker 2:Hey, glad to be here. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:Sue shared this wonderful quote with me that I'm going to start us out by reading. A relapse occurs when slips are repeated without learning from them. When slips are repeated without learning from them, there are two primary reasons for a person's relapse the inability to develop intimate relationships and the inability to manage pain in recovery. This is a quote from Alan Marlott and Sue, as we're talking for our second week in a row about processing our emotions. Well, last week, we went through your basic reflective listening tool, which teaches us how to reflect on our own emotions. If you haven't listened to that episode, please go back and check that one out. It's a great foundation for what we're getting into today, which is the more advanced technique of reflecting on your emotions that you've developed.
Speaker 1:And so this quote really sticks out to me, sue, because it's highlighting both the relational importance of healing. I've heard it said in a TED Talk Maybe we'll be able to put this in the show notes but the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is community. So that first part of what he's saying of developing intimate relationships really resonates as I hear it. But the second part, equally important inability to manage pain and recovery, and so much of what recovery is about is processing through pain and no longer taking pain to illicit places. And so, sue, let's dive right in. How do you take people forward once they've got a little bit of the basic understanding of how to process emotions, how to, how to get in touch with painful feelings right? Where do you take them from there in your workshops?
Speaker 2:the individual, whether it's workshops or or just in, you know, coaching or just the recovery plan itself and we alluded to this a little bit previously is we got to have an understanding of where are we going? There has to be some reason for me to jump off of this path that I've been on forever. There has to be a belief or a hope that there's something better and different. Now, I may not have. These could be unbelievers you're talking to this, could be people, somebody who's so brand new in Jesus that they don't know much about scripture, but they want to believe that what I have experienced is not all that. There is that there's something else, and so that would be point. One is that, um, because a lot of people, some sometimes individuals we don't understand that jesus is for real about offering us all of these things. All of these things are yours. The thing is that you're gonna have to let go of those other things and we become we kind of straddle, the the hanging on to both of them because we're trying to discern which one is going to be the most helpful and beneficial and then, when it comes down to the moment of pain it's going to be, do I really want to become all that God's calling me to be. So there's that part that's starting us off, that God's calling me to be. So there's that part that's starting us off. And that also touches on something I mentioned to you, whether we were praying in last time or talking about it but is the advanced version of the reflective listening. In my view, is all about spiritual stewardship. It is me learning my buy-in to becoming all that God has called me to be. I may not completely understand that when I begin, I may be a little bit wavering about it, but I'm beginning and God will take all of that, and so that's that.
Speaker 2:This exercises for that person. That goes I don't have a whole lot of Christian ease in my back pocket, and what I do have I don't want because it it didn't, it didn't have any real, authentic, genuine relationship in it, and so I'm not sure I'm answering your question or going around the bush. Sure I'm answering your question or going around the bush, but this advanced version is intent on bringing to the surface the unbelief, the lies, the taunting, the interpretations that we've had from our experiences, and then also bringing the scripture of what God says about you and about that thing and us taking an honest look at the difference between the two. This is what God says. This is what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:In order for me to change and become new and walk in my new man, I'm going to have to take God at his word. Well, I'd have to know what his word is, and so this is what the exercise does. I have to know what his word is, and so this is what the exercise does. It helps, it drives them to the word to find out what God's word says, and sometimes they may not have the sight and verse of where that is, but they have this understanding where I hear that he's good and I understand that he's merciful. And we'll start there. Individual is learning to take God at his word. As they process this painful experience of, I can't maintain my sobriety. I don't know why I keep going back. I don't want to and starting there in a processing and kind of touching on Marlott's quote. But the ability to develop intimate relationships means that you used a reference in the last segment that you'd procrastinated on a paper.
Speaker 2:And you just identified the fact that you had been procrastinating on a paper because and that I had mentioned to you that that's the nugget, that is a beginning. You have a sentence. I feel blank about blank, because that is the beginning, because in that you can become known. God knows, you knows that it's in you, but now you acknowledge it back to the father. That's yada, knowing and becoming known. So now you have this yada with the father and now it is on us to become known and yada with somebody else and you share that with somebody else and this begins the pattern of developing resilience. And that's when you can be known and seen and in a safe place and then have our distorted thinking challenged. That all happens in relationship and I may have taken this way off guard.
Speaker 1:I apologize, that's awesome. Well, first of all, you were speaking a little hebrew there, so for those who don't know the term when, when you see the word no in hebrew, that's the hebrew word yada. So adam knew his wife Eve and they conceived a child. It can refer to sexual intimacy in that regard, but it's an icon. Yadah is like an icon for the intimacy that God wants with us, the knowing and being known relationship.
Speaker 1:And so, sue, part of what I hear you saying is look, part of the Christian journey is knowing what is true about us, but also recognizing there's a gap between what I hear or theologically know is true and what I really believe or operate under. And so it sounds like this advanced reflective listening exercise is trying to help close that gap. It's trying to say, hey, there might be a wound here or an emotion you don't really know how to navigate or something else that's kind of in the way. So let's work on that so that we can close the gap and you could be more in that shalom that's another Hebrew word for it. You know that peace with God, that sense of I'm comfortable with who God is and his love for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the congruence there.
Speaker 1:The congruence, the congruence.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my belief system, and that doesn't happen overnight. Now we can intellectually, intellectually be aware of something. I can be intellectually aware of a false belief system that I have and that God does not want me walking in that. But the fact that I'm aware of it, he does not make me automatically able to walk any different.
Speaker 1:I have the first step. It's like you got to have some awareness typically, but then it's not. It's not. You could, you could change your awareness overnight, but you usually don't change your heart attitude overnight that gets tested with plenty of opportunities, experience by experience and there's lots of do-overs.
Speaker 1:Such, again, a hopeful word. You've lived it. And so, sue, what are some of the? Yeah, can you give us a little bit of an intro to this? Again, we will not have time to unpack the fullness of this tool that you've created. But how do we start? Like we, we, we left off last episode with this helpful sentence, right, I feel blank about blank, because blank. And then you also introduce, like who, who am I trying to become? Or what do I do going from this, how do we go from that basic understanding of I'm feeling this, et cetera, to this advanced connection?
Speaker 2:with.
Speaker 1:God.
Speaker 2:If I can, can I um? I'm going to share my screen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, please do.
Speaker 2:So I'm going to drive a little bit here.
Speaker 1:And, first of all, good opportunity to remind people that we're posting these on YouTube, the video version.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I've started off with the landing page for the reflective listening worksheet because not only for the workshop registration button that they can click there and the downloadable links for the documents that they can use, but these, these documents.
Speaker 1:By the way, they're gold and I love I was mentioning last week I love to use especially I think we'll get into it today, but the seven desires of every heart doc I see on there is so, so helpful.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, all of them are priceless to take us to where we're going, but I wanted to highlight um. Here's some short videos. We met intro and basic exercise. You build on this foundation talks about emotions, concept of anxiety, feeling, awareness, all of that stuff. And then this part, I think, is gold and this is God's relational design. This is the, the Yada, the neural relational design of God and what disturbs our rest. For your listeners and for people who are wanting to go further into this, those are just. You need them. And also for those resistant, the making a case for emotional resilience, I'm prepared for bear, I'm prepared for people going no, I don't want to do this. And I'm going to give you neuroscience, five points of neuroscience as to why science, neuroscience and all as to why to do this. I do want to go to.
Speaker 1:And, by the way, if you're just listening, sue is giving us an overview of the reflective listening page, as she said, which is in the show notes, so please check that out afterward if you're not able to watch.
Speaker 2:So've.
Speaker 2:I've placed the advanced version worksheet up on the screen to share, and we'll talk that through, and again those in the show notes, and clicking on all those downloads you can have it the reason being is I wanted to, um, describe what's going on here with this imagery, um, last week, well, we see the sentence that I feel blank about blank, because at the very top then you see this graphic imagery there's a, there's a person, that's you and I, and then we have the red heart, that's the fullness heart, and then you've got these blue words Pause, discern God's best interest and protect. We spoke.
Speaker 1:What was the GBI? Again, god's best.
Speaker 2:God's best interest, yeah, and those are described in the instructions as well.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:This pause we talked about last week. We have to pause. If I'm, I have to slow it down long enough to consider what's going on, and so this worksheet is. It's the meat and potatoes it actually needs to be. All of these documents that I'm recommending that an individual participate in need to be by your devotional table where you have your quiet time with the Lord in your journal.
Speaker 2:Because the Holy Spirit, the more you use them and they become second nature, the Holy Spirit is going to give you elbows in the side about something about this worksheet or something about that seven desires of the heart, or the boundaries that speaks to your situation, and you're going to want to have those close by for review and we'll show them in a moment.
Speaker 2:But my point of bringing up this imagery here, james, is that these 11 synonyms that are circling you and I are the 11 synonyms for boundaries. They are our responsibilities, and remember that we talked about last week that this exercise is established on Proverbs 4.23, above all else, highest priority of everything, guard your heart, your mind, your will and emotions, for out of it flow the issues of life In Cloud and Townsend's work on boundaries. Those 11 synonyms that we have surrounding the heart, right there surrounding us, are synonyms for the word heart and they are our responsibility. That is what we are. We are guarding our heart. We are guarding our life, our purpose in God, our person, our position and our purpose in God when we are accountable. This is that spiritual stewardship I was talking about.
Speaker 1:These are those things that we are actually responsible for. And, by the way, again we'll link to boundaries the book in the show notes. This is probably the book I use unwanted a lot with clients. But second to unwanted, I often have clients go through boundaries because it is incredibly helpful. Sue, I've had to go through it three times in my life so far. I'm 30 years old and I intend to keep revisiting it, but let me just read out loud these 12 words, right? So we're responsible for the following love, feelings, thoughts, values, limits, attitudes, behaviors, beliefs, talents, choices and desires. I think I got them all.
Speaker 2:Yep, yeah, you did.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So again, if you're following along on YouTube, you'll get to see this, but I just want to say that out loud, because these are all really big categories. These are like whoa, how do I, how do I have control, how do I have responsibility for my desires or my beliefs? But that's part of what we're going to keep getting into right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I am a queen of cheat sheets, so I like reading a book and making a cheat sheet, at least of things that I like.
Speaker 1:We're cut from the same cloth as I've been aware of? Yeah.
Speaker 2:So what your viewers on YouTube can see and what the listeners can also have as a download in this Cloud and Townsend Boundaries Define Us. This cheat sheet is just a bullet point reference when they were talking about all these responsibilities and what we need to do with them. This is the sheet for that book I use as a resource whenever I'm processing something and when I'm using the reflective listening exercise. I have this out when I'm asking if I've got a sentence and I probably should have had something prepared at this point and I've got something that I probably need to do a worksheet on, but I'm not ready to take the time to figure that out, but we've got a sentence.
Speaker 2:Let's say this I feel blank about blank, because I'm going to. The first thing I'm going to put out is all of my feelings. In fact, when they watch these videos and they come to the workshop, you're going to see a sample of all of that, but I put all of my so you're not just writing a single feeling.
Speaker 1:When you say I feel blank, you might be writing five or 10 or some amount. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I actually, and my worksheets are, are messy. They are meant to be. It really challenges us if we are um, a little oh, I don't know if I should use that word, I but when we, when we are a little ocd on on our, you know, got full sentences. My english grammar is all good and all that. It may challenge more people than not, but let it be messy. What I often say is you're throwing up on the page You've got to get it real.
Speaker 2:You have to throw up on the page because God honesty is best You're not you're only going to heal as deep as you are honest with yourself on these responses.
Speaker 1:And so that is so important yeah it's helpful.
Speaker 2:So all of the feelings, and then I will, I will kind of discern which one is the most, the primary feeling, and choose that one that goes up in the sentence. And then the thoughts, and again we. I don't know how much time that we can put on these, but if I would say that zero in on the ones that are, really, they're all very important. Some people may say I don't know if I have many values that are challenged. Well, you'd be surprised.
Speaker 1:But when it comes to thoughts, I see how feelings fit into that blank. I feel blank, but are you saying, then we also put thoughts into the blank, or does that go somewhere else?
Speaker 2:So see this little area right here, if I were to write in and perhaps I should have had a sample that I could go pull and maybe we could push pause and I could go grab one and start over. But you can tell me if that's something you want to do. But I will write in as many three to five or more feelings that I'm feeling about this sentence, right here above, where on this graphic, where feelings are, and then I'll go over to thoughts. How are my thoughts being challenged by this sentence? And it could be anything from, let's say, I'm agitated with my mom because she's not wanting to take her boot off and exercise her foot, because she's afraid of taking her boot off, she's hurt her foot and so, yeah, so I'm frustrated with her not wanting to do that and I would write that down. I'm frustrated with mom for not wanting to take off her boot, and I would write that down. I'm frustrated with mom for not wanting to take off her boot. And then any other thoughts that I would have about this event, and I'm not really making this up.
Speaker 2:This is a real thing, but one of the challenges that I have with her real life, my values in this scenario would be I'm valuing autonomy. I have a history of a relationship with my mom and you'll see that in both the basic exercise video and also the advanced exercise video, and it's just the way the Lord is working with my growing relationship of intimacy with my mom, being real with her and with people in ministry about what God's doing to continue to refine me using this exercise. But I value autonomy that I am an individual individual. My mom and I have a history of codependency. She would have me do things for her. I would feel guilty if I didn't. There was a lot of that going back and forth and so I wrestle with those things and I would have to if I were using that sentence. I would have to establish how are my values being challenged? And I'm going to go back over here and just use it.
Speaker 1:I just want to highlight too, with values In some ways. I think I've heard it from Augustine that this almost sounds like that idea of what our heart really cares most about, or what. I've heard the term affections. I don't know if that's actually different or not. I don't fully understand that word.
Speaker 2:It would marry a little bit, even with desires. But this is, they say. You know, what we value is what we love and assign importance to. So that goes to what you were alluding to as well. We often don't take responsibility for what we value. We are caught up in valuing the approval of men rather than the approval of God, and so there's more in their definition. That's on the cheat sheet too, but it starts to read our mail when it comes to-.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, I was gonna say this sounds like you're realizing the deep heart struggles that you have, that are with, so I'm just pulling it back to thinking about, like, for example, someone dealing with unwanted sexual behaviors. If they're able to stop long enough to go through this type of exercise, they pause, they're thinking about their feelings and processing this. There's almost always going to be a deep heart value that is being rubbed against, Like I felt snubbed or I feel afraid that I'll look dumb. That might be with my example last week with procrastinating on a paper and going to pornography instead. Well, what's my value? Well, I want want to feel I don't want to feel dumb. I don't know that's.
Speaker 1:You might need a deeper look, right, but that that is hitting at a really deep spot like what am I? I can also think for betrayed spouses or even for parents. I really value my family having it together in public and, look, I'm not yet a parent, so I know you are and so you could probably speak to this more accurately. But I could imagine in my future, if God blesses us with children, really caring a lot about like, how does our family come off? But that value might. That doesn't really align with. You know God looks beyond external. You know the externals and he looks at the heart. So there's something there, I think, for anyone listening.
Speaker 2:Always, yes, and always the challenging of our distorted thinking in regards to any of this, whatever comes on the paper because of our sentence and as we go around, another one that's important on here and the limits you know, setting limits on others, like how is my sentence challenging my responsibility for setting limits on others, or how is it challenging my for setting my own internal limits, like with my mom? Whatever scenario they just again and it tells us, you know, we have to limit exposure to people who behave poorly and allow space inside ourselves. I love this part to have a feeling, impulse or desire without acting on it, that starts growing. Some maturity is that I have this feeling, impulse and or desire. I have to acknowledge it, but I don't have to act on it, I don't have to follow it through and it gives it a space yeah, and we've even talked earlier in this summer kind of season of becoming whole podcast about.
Speaker 1:We literally have physical limits, Like so many people don't recognize. We have physical limits. We have emotional limits. We need to set limits on others. These are not categories all of us were brought up with. Right that it's okay to say no or whatever right.
Speaker 2:All of these are. I'm still learning, I'm practicing this the best way, I know how, all the time, and the Lord is still okay. Let's have another discussion about this. We're going on a deeper level and I love that about it, because these are things that are hindering me from being in the fullest relationship with him and being gratified entirely by what he offers, and so I want to remove those things. But back to this cheat sheet on boundaries, the responsibilities, one that I really like and this could be the nerdy part of me that is, attitudes, their definition, and it's very succinct, but it says have to do with our orientation or stance towards something or someone, and it's learned early in life someone, and it's learned early in life. Now, when we think of it in the way that I have had to make sense of this and use this in the workshop and elsewhere, is that this I teach my people and I hear them talk about it as well as as I literally have a body posture, a stance, if I become defensive and for the longest time, a lot of my work and on my reflective listenings were dealing with this my attitude was defensive and so I had a posture of defensive and a stance and it was very controlling and things along the line. Those need to be explored.
Speaker 2:Sometimes someone will just say attitude is ticked off. They'll write that there and that's good, we've left them to be. You know, okay, I won't harass them too much, but if you write that too many times, I want to ask you to go deeper. What does ticked off look like? And let's start describing it so you can really really understand what you're trying to say. The rest of these, as you know, I don't know whether we need to go through them as far as identifying, but it suffices to say for your listeners or whoever's watching it is that when we go back to this single worksheet, is we want to? We are zeroing in on this sentence. How is this sentence challenging my responsibility for every one of those synonyms? Now, it may not hit every one of them. There's maybe a couple that pop, and in the very beginning of learning this exercise, it usually is just a couple, but the longer I use this, the more I understand that I'm working at core issues and the more things that the Holy Spirit's I've got more words to say that are on here.
Speaker 2:So you've got a lot of good revelation that is coming.
Speaker 1:This is dense. I mean, yeah, this is something I want to talk about. This is dense. I mean, yeah, this is something I like.
Speaker 1:The term you use, circle the mountain until until God helps me through it. I forget if you used that this week or last week, but God, yeah, god is in the business of. I mean we call this podcast becoming whole for a reason, right, he wants to make us whole. There's a Greek word, teleos, sometimes translated perfect. Be perfect, as your heavenly father is perfect. But a better translation from what I understand is become whole. Become like this integrated person who loves God with all that. They are all the parts. Within all of these 11 or 12 or whatever boundaries, my values align with his. I use my talents for him, my desires even. I mean this is such a maybe controversial one for some of us recognizing all of us have desires that are not what align with God's desires, and so by reflecting on this on a regular basis, like how am I needing to deal with my desires or navigate it, I can just see so much fruit in that exercise for people dealing with a variety of sexual brokenness.
Speaker 2:And I know several places to jump off on that one, james, and it's good the circling of the mountain. Number one and God is a gentleman. He doesn't force us to learn lessons, but by consequence of our choices, we repeat those lessons again and again, and again and again until we learn to choose.
Speaker 1:Sounds a little bit like the entire Old Testament right, the Israelites over and over right and in our lives. I mean truly.
Speaker 2:And to the point of this exercise and to your point on the word perfect and teleos, and is the whole complete, lacking in nothing. And so what the Lord is driving at is that I remain and for those of you who are listening, I'm putting my hands together and kind of cupping them into a circle to represent what the visual is on the screen for the YouTube viewers is that the Lord would have us to be inside this circle, whole, complete, lacking in nothing, taking full responsibility for stewardship of who he's called me to be. Now I am learning and applying this as I go, with this many years, but we are learning as we go to make sure that we have our armor on and that we're walking in the true knowledge, that we know not just the head knowledge but the actual experience. I know God to be good. I know that he is faithful. I have seen him show up.
Speaker 2:I've got memorial stone after memorial stone and, quite frankly, these worksheets become memorial stones because you will have an incident with the scriptures that show up that minister to your heart in your need, and it's going to take you into a new place of revelation and discovery and I would recommend doing what I do is that you date them and you keep them and you can look back on how he has shown himself faithful over the course of your life with him. I'm going to let you drive because I think I've I don't know what I've where I'm at, so good.
Speaker 1:Well, I want to get into the seven desires in a moment, but is there anything else with the uh looking back at the circle and then with those four blue words in between? I know we talked about pause. You need to pause to be able to actually take stock of all this. Where was discern, gbi and protect? Did that come into play already to this point in?
Speaker 2:the process. Where did I? What happened to my instructions? So I am going to. Well, it somehow got clicked off, I don't know. In the instructor. I'm going to read, because I don't think I'm going to be able to find it quick enough unless it's going to show me nope, all right, so we're going to ignore that. I'm going to show me Nope, all right, so we're going to ignore that. I'm going to read it to you.
Speaker 1:These are the instructions that are in a PDF on the page right Reflective listening page.
Speaker 2:These are the advanced reflective listening instructions and so on. Step three course. Step one is filling out the sentence. That would be helpful if I got back to the visual for the people who want to. So you're pausing and discerning what's going on as far as your feelings, then you reflect and meditate on your statement and then you go around the circle and you identify with God honesty, how your responsibilities are being challenged. Then to align your responses with God's truth. Step three any difference between your responses and God's truth indicates an area for growth and God's truth indicates an area for growth. Here we discern, we consider, we understand, perceive between the truth and the lie. Typically I will have a response and I have had plenty that are very fleshly, they're honest.
Speaker 2:I'm throwing up on the page. I'm not trying to make it pretty for you. I have several examples of those on the website and showing my humanity. So I have my fleshly statement there. But then I also have scripture, or I'm seeking to find scripture that shows God's perspective towards that thing.
Speaker 2:Is that where the I need comes in, like later on on the page at the bottom good, because the next thing is we write down the discerning of God's character that either confirms or contrasts with my statement that I've put down there. I'm writing down the scriptures or even if it's just this character identification, if we're a newbie in the Bible we don't really know the word, we understand his character somewhat, we write that down, then we make these things a part of our meditation and reflection and then the next thing we do is we reflect on those scriptures and then we list action steps that we're going to need to change to obey and conform to God's character. So this is where we learn. That gap we were talking about previously is that we have where my experience and my perception and interpretation of life is here, and then I've got God's Word over here and there's this gap of understanding, and so I am doing my best at this point to determine what are my best next steps to try to stand on the truth of God's Word in this scenario about that thing.
Speaker 2:And so I'm writing out, like for me with some previous scenarios with my mom, it was learning to be merciful, learning to have compassion in areas of her weakness, and so things along that line, and so it will show you in step four, the steps that you need to fill in that gap, at least to start to learn how to stand firm and strong in the truth. And so that's discern God's best interest is step five, and that's going to lead into the seven desires of the heart, and so it is with the objective of protecting God's best interest and obtaining healthy intimacy. This yada, knowing and becoming known ask yourself what do I need? And it says write down any practical needs that are relevant to the statement.
Speaker 2:It could be I need gas, I need food, I need a down any practical needs that are relevant to the statement. You know it could be I need gas, I need food, I need a job or whatever that might be, because those will be seriously. Those will be distractions.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:And then the next is to review this page.
Speaker 1:This is the PDF that I've used a lot with people. Yeah, really great.
Speaker 2:Love it as well. So the it says review document Seven Desires of Every Heart and make a note of any desires that speak to your heart relevant to the statement. Insert your responses where provided. Now, here's where I'd also direct your listeners and viewers to the videos, because I've got several that zero in on just this portion, because this document is loaded for bear. You've got, on the left-hand side, the desires and the real basic definition of what they mean.
Speaker 1:And I want to read these out loud for real quick because these are so key. So number one is being heard and understood. We all have that desire. Number two is being affirmed, is blessed, four is safe, five is touched obviously in healthy ways, six is chosen and seven is included. These are seven desires we all have.
Speaker 2:Yeah now, what I would like to highlight in the use of this document and it's also in those videos as well is this center column, how these desires are triggered. I found as much help from this center column as I did from the left column of just understanding. Basically, you know what those things mean and like, for example, it talks that heard and understood. Those not heard or understood growing up may struggle to find their voice to be able to speak about what they feel need or desire. Or they may talk a lot. Now this next two I want to because you're listeners. Well, I did. I mean this relates to a lot of people so affirmed, approved of who we are and what we do. But it says and how it's triggered is, those who didn't get affirmed struggle to know if they ever got things right. Any criticism, however constructive, might take them back to guilt, feelings of always being wrong, even when complimented. They might not believe. It resonates with a lot of people.
Speaker 2:Now I'm going to read blessed because of of the conclusion that comes from laser's work here. Blessed means to be special because of who we are, love for who we are. We don't have to do anything, and that one is hard for a lot of people to learn to accept that we don't have to do anything, and partly because of this. Okay, so how this need is triggered is the lack of blessing causes shame and a constant need to find blessing, the need for approval, but it never seems to accomplish the desired result. Others are put off by the person's self-centeredness and complaints. Now it shows this kind of like another column that comes off of affirmed and blessed kind of merge into one and it says when we confuse the desire to be affirmed with the desire to be blessed, we wind up thinking that the way we get blessed is to do things. We try to earn a blessing or prove our value.
Speaker 2:I don't know about you, james, but I work with a lot of people who wrestle with this, this performance mindset of I've got to earn it, and this is what the Lord is wanting to tear down these strongholds and these are messages that we have acquired from our experiences in family, of origins or learn life experiences. Somehow we've interpreted these things and they have established, if you will, our strongholds, these brick by bricks, thought by thoughts that have been raised up against the knowledge of God, and God is taking them down one by one, and sometimes he just kicks the main one and all of them go. But this is a very effectual sheet to work with alongside this exercise, because what you're ended up doing, so we've got the I have I feel about because I've gone around the circle, I have thrown up on the page how I really feel about it. I found God's word and how he sees both me and this thing and the learning curve.
Speaker 2:That's my next steps and what I need to do for my next steps and then what I need, and let's say I choose that I need to be heard and understood, I need to be affirmed and I would like to be blessed and sometimes it goes with all of them. You know, whatever matters, not you can list them all. And then my next steps are you will take that step four that you made this list, the learning curve list, and you implant that down in step seven to protect. You know this is where you list your next action steps to get that need met in healthy ways. So we are listing the action steps that get that need met in healthy ways. Let's say I have I really wished I had a better sentence and that I'd worked with, say, I need to be affirmed this situation that I have going with my mom about her not taking responsibility to take her off?
Speaker 2:of her her off and do her ankle exercises and I need to be affirmed. What that would look like for me to be affirmed in that scenario would be for my mom to do. What she actually ended up doing this last weekend was I'm sorry I shouldn't have argued with you. I can take off my boot and I can do my exercise. I didn't need her.
Speaker 2:To apologize, but I wanted to be affirmed that I didn't need to be affirmed by her. I needed to be affirmed that I was doing the right thing, that I was encouraging her to do something she didn't want to do. She wanted to remain in a state of neediness, but she needed to be moved beyond that and I needed to be affirmed that that was the right thing to do. So what it looked like was that someone was acknowledging, the doctor did, and the nurses did, and then later my mom even did. So that's what I need. Has what it looks like, because this is why you and I have a visioning capacity. We have to envision where we're going. If we envision it, if we write out what this is going to look like when I get that need met, then I'm going to be able to conceptualize it and I'm going to be able to draw it closer to me. It now becomes a goal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and for so many of us this means growing in intimacy with God in such a way where whether it's through his word or through you know kind of thoughts he puts into our mind, or a combination like I'm growing and being affirmed by him not to neglect the good of like a doctor, affirming you're doing the right thing and telling your mom but I got to, I got to highlight this too for our listeners and we do have to land the plane pretty soon. But so many of us especially if you're struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors and perhaps if you've had significant wounds in your life and and now you've been betrayed and now there's this new significant wound so many of us are longing for affirmation. So many of us are looking for blessing. I mean, I just think back to the Jewish rite of passage for young men and young women. I think it was age 13. Young men had bar mitzvahs. I've actually been to some. I grew up in a pretty Jewish town. Young women had bat mitzvahs and this was literally a ceremony of blessing that child into man or womanhood, like without them doing anything. So they needed to be affirmed like hey, you did great on that, that, that you know homework assignment son, when they were five, and they need to be affirmed throughout. But they also need these key places of you're loved and blessed, no matter what you do.
Speaker 1:And so just think about this for second listeners, especially if you struggle with pornography or other sexual sin, how might you be looking in those videos or actions to feel heard and understood? How might you be looking to feel affirmed? How might you be looking to feel blessed, like I'm valuable, even if I don't do anything? How might you be looking to feel safe, especially I'm, I'm, I'm valuable, even if I don't do anything? How, how might you be looking to feel safe, especially if you're looking at videos on a screen? There's a kind of sense of safety.
Speaker 1:I'm not actually in this, but I'm experiencing it. It's, you know, quasi. I'm giving air quotes, I'm experiencing it. How might you? How might being touched be something you're taking to sexual behaviors? How might be being chosen? So you didn't get to highlight this, but chosen, I think is defined as like one-on-one kind of way, like my dad chose me. You know that kind of thing included is more communal. So those are the sixth and seventh desires of every heart. And so how might the videos or actions you're going to be attempts to feel chosen or included. That's why I find this so helpful, sue, because every single guy I work with, including myself, can see ways in which we're taking these God-given desires to illicit places and God actually wants to be the one to meet them in increasing measure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was really good and very spot on and a great place to kind of bring it all back to the. You know, the opposite of addiction is human connection. It's connection and I remember when I had first learned that and that and and god is is wanting to meet that, he's wanting to prove himself faithful, he's, he's wanting for us to be confident in who he is and then kind of come back to you know where we are with this exercise, or anybody who's struggling with unwanted behaviors, anybody parents, or anybody who is alive today who has any kind of um heaviness and burden and they're not walking all around in joy all the time that there's things that they have to process. This exercise can be helpful with that. And the latter component is, once we have worked all the way through the seventh step. The seventh step includes sharing it with someone else.
Speaker 2:It is one thing for me to be before my creator and own up to all of these things and to commit to steward my life better, but it also then, now, as I share it with you, it's that new neural pathway of becoming known and now I'm safe. I've done all the post-traumatic growth now. I've done the managing distressing emotions. I've done all the post-traumatic growth. Now I've done the managing distressing emotions. I've safety and disclosure and I have challenged distorted thinking and I have all of that wrapped up in this one exercise to be able to take it and share with someone in community. And I am seen, I'm soothed, I'm safe, I'm secure. It's all of the things that we crave in our innermost being.
Speaker 1:Beautiful. So I want to simplify something for our listeners. So this was a lot. This is, I mean again, sue is trying to give us a taste of something that takes a lot. You know more time to explain in depth. So please, please, please, check out in the show notes the reflective listening workshop. So, please, please, please, check out in the show notes the reflective listening workshop.
Speaker 1:But I just want to say, for some of you guys simply, you know, kind of memorizing this sentence, I feel blank about blank, because blank is going to be so, so, so helpful, especially when you're triggered or tempted, and so try to just take that in, and what Sue said at the end can be a great part of that too.
Speaker 1:Share it with someone, journal it to God, but also, ideally, share it with a spouse or a friend. And, by the way, if you're dealing with a marriage where there's been one person dealing with sexual sin, the other's experienced betrayal, getting in touch with these deeper emotions is such a gift to both of you in the marriage with these deeper emotions is such a gift to both of you in the marriage. So, even if you can't fully grasp all of today, you don't have time quite yet to engage the workshop. Just remember this sentence. I feel blank about blank because blank, and perhaps remember or look up these seven desires of every heart and use that as a way to connect with brothers and sisters, and perhaps with your spouse, and even with your kids, and teaching your kids this, like this, is going to be such a gift, so that they're not taking their feelings to pornography or other other places.
Speaker 2:Um so sue, I'm yeah, go ahead can I jump on that for just a moment? This is an you've touched on something that's a necessary component for us to change the direction of where the body of Christ is going in the future, and that is to teach our children about continual cleansing conversations.
Speaker 2:They make a great segue for the Gospel-Centered Sexuality piece at the close too, but the point is that as we, whether we are in recovery, we're out of wherever we are in this whether grandparents, parents, caregivers, we're out of wherever we are in this where the grandparents, parents, caregivers if we will learn this skill and teach it to the next generation. The basic exercise I have people plaster it. You know there's a kid's version of it. You know stuff on the refrigerator. Because when you teach them emotional resilience skills, you're going to teach them having the capacity to deal with pain in the right way and so that they won't go to coping mechanisms and we'll get ahead of this addiction curve in the future. For the body of Christ.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So Sue just referenced that last week. She mentioned that she's having a gospel-centered sexuality course kicking off this fall. Again, link will be in the show notes. I do want to mention on our behalf that we do have our retreats coming up for both men and women our Awaken Retreat for Men, sacred by Design for Women. These are great places to whether or not we bust out this particular tool although it's possible at least parts of this could come out soon in the curriculum that I'm helping develop for the men's retreat. But you will experience some of these core needs being heard and understood, blessed, it'll be a safe environment. Both of these will be safe environments and so I just want to encourage that and, sue, I just would love if would you be willing to close us out actually in a word of prayer and just pray over our listeners as they try to grow in these difficult but such important skills.
Speaker 2:I will do it. Thank you for the privilege, heavenly Father, lord Jesus, holy Spirit, we are yours. We come to you with our whole heart, desiring all that you have for us, fully aware that we have unbelief, false beliefs, we have tauntings, we have messages that are standing in the way of us fully becoming known and walking in the wholeness that you offer. And so, jesus, we just ask that you would strengthen us with power through your spirit in our inner man, that, indeed, that we would seek you above all else, that, lord, god, that we would freeze, frame the moment and ask ourselves what am I feeling about and why? And pause that moment to find out, to get in touch, so that we can make better choices. Lord, you have wired us in such a way that, when we do identify that emotion, our intellect, the prefrontal cortex, is now able to make a better decision.
Speaker 2:So Jesus thank you for the way you've made us. We ask, lord God, for your outpouring for the listeners, that you will take this information and build on the platform the foundation that you already have established with them, and that they may reach and receive the highest and best that you have for them. In Christ's name, we trust and pray For your kingdom's sake, lord, amen.
Speaker 1:Amen.
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