Becoming Whole
Relationships and sexuality are areas of life that can be beautiful or confusing, life-giving, or painful. Becoming Whole is a conversational podcast for men, women, and families seeking to draw nearer to Jesus as they navigate topics like sexual integrity, relational healing, spiritual health, and so much more.
Becoming Whole
Should I Confess to My Spouse if they don’t want to hear it?
What if telling the truth is the only way to make home feel safe again? We dive into the messy, honest reality of confession around sexual brokenness and how to navigate it when your spouse says they don’t want the details. With James hosting alongside coaches Aaron and Anne, we unpack why secrecy keeps control in place, why many betrayed spouses want truth without graphic play‑by‑play, and how to honor both integrity and nervous system safety at the same time.
We walk through five essential steps for real recovery. It starts with getting help: a community that tells the truth, content that explains the roots beneath behavior, and coaching or counseling that brings the story into the light. If your spouse knows nothing, we explain how to disclose with care and name what’s changing so the truth arrives with a plan. We emphasize support for the betrayed partner, groups, trauma‑wise guidance, and structure that restores daily stability. Then we outline how brief, scheduled check‑ins reduce dread and build credibility through consistent action rather than desperate, reactive confession.
If you’re ready to trade secrecy for integrity and fear for honest repair, this conversation is your roadmap. Listen, share it with someone who needs hope, and subscribe for part two as we unpack the remaining steps. If this helped you, leave a review and tell us what question you want answered next.
Resources:
5 Essential Steps for Husbands in Recovery
Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:
- Email us questions! info@regenerationministries.org
👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)
So, as I as I leave groups, occasionally a man will come to the group and tell us as a group, hey, my wife doesn't want to know when I'm struggling with sexual sin. She doesn't want to hear confession, at least not on a regular basis. So we're going to unpack this question. It's a really interesting kind of assertion or question. I'm James. I'm the director of projects here at Regeneration and a spiritual coach. I also have the privilege of running our year-round men's program, Awakened 360. And I'm joined today by Aaron and Ann, two coaches on our team. Aaron is a spiritual coach. He helps us with the Awakened Men's Retreat. He's often known by his really profound nickname, A.A. Ron. And I'm also joined by Ann, who works often with our betrayed spouses, but she also works with women dealing with unwanted sexual behavior. And Ann helps with our Sacred by Design retreat. And Anne is actually often featured on our women's podcast. We don't mention this enough, guys. We've got an awesome women's podcast called the Sacred by Design Podcast. We'll have a link to that in the show notes. This is a podcast from the women on our team to women specifically. We try to have Becoming Whole be for men and women, but Sacred by Design is specifically speaking to women. So, guys, we got to start with this question. Should I confess to my spouse if they don't want to hear it? What do you say to the man or woman who might be coming? Uh, that they're struggling with sexual brokenness, their spouse doesn't know. And they are convinced that their spouse does not want to hear it. And do you want to start us out? Uh, where do you go with that question?
SPEAKER_00:Oh boy. Well, I am so excited to be here and to to be a part of just helping men and women navigate this hard place. I am I get ready. I feel like I have I have notes all over the place. So I might be looking down at some of my notes.
SPEAKER_01:That's fine.
SPEAKER_00:Such a good question. Excuse me. Um well it has you almost have two questions in there. Like, should I tell my spouse what's going on in my life? You know, should I tell her that I'm struggling with pornography or uh lost or you know, sexual betrayals? Um, and what if she doesn't want to know? What if she's what if she's struggling with feeling flooded and overwhelmed with information? So where do we go?
SPEAKER_01:Do you find a lot of women in that that you work? Because again, you're often coaching one-on-one and leading groups for women, specifically wives who have experienced betrayal. Do you often find that they don't want to know? Or is this a kind of a misnomer almost like, no, actually, really, every wife wants to know? Or do they want to know some things and not other things? Help us begin, even just start unpacking that. And then I'd love to hear some initial thoughts from Aaron.
SPEAKER_00:Well, they definitely don't want a lot of details, but they want the truth. This phrase, you know, hurt me with the truth, kill me with a lie. Wow. But there are women who are real, I just want to validate for a woman who who who doesn't want to know because she's so overwhelmed. She's so scared, she's so um afraid of of information that's going to destabilize herself and her family and her marriage. That she for a period of time, she just wants to get some safety and stability and does not want a lot of detail. And I just want to validate her. I just want her to feel heard. Um, and that that the husband can can really still be transparent with her and say, I have safe people that I am talking to, and I am sharing what's going on in my life with my coach, with my best friend, with my accountability team. Like I am being transparent. And just maybe she needs time, some safety, some stability.
SPEAKER_01:So even if there is sometimes a wife that you're working with, and and we're going to be speaking today to both husbands and wives who have experienced betrayal, but and those who are struggling, like, should I should I actually initiate this confession? Um, but you're saying, Ann, that sometimes there's actually a real need for a wife to guard her own well-being. And she might recognize whether kind of explicitly in her mind it's a it's a clear thought, or it's almost implicit that she can't handle the fullness of hearing confession any given moment of any given day all the time.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:But to protect her well-being, like she's she probably is just feeling like she can't get through her day. It's so big. And she probably just um needs um better support, her support systems and finding like some real inner safety and body, right? Her nervous system probably needs some real calming um exercises and practices and his like empathy and space and time and consistency and him being like predictable will really help calm down her her system right now. Um and he can make a big difference in that.
SPEAKER_01:So, Aaron, what do you say? So you're you're often coaching men and leading groups for men who are dealing with sexual sin. What do you say to them? Have you ever come across this question? Should I really confess to my wife? She doesn't really want to hear it, or or I'm terrified too because our marriage seems to be getting better. I'm working on myself. Does she really need to know that I've been struggling all these years? What do you how do you approach that if if it ever comes across your table, so to speak?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Man, you just said a couple different things there that make I think all the difference uh in that conversation. Um, you know, I think uh, you know, I want to back up just a little bit because I think, you know, at the you know, if if the wife doesn't know anything's going on, um, you know, I think this becomes a almost a I don't know if it's a tactic of the enemy or something to just like keep this thing a secret. She doesn't need to know, she doesn't want to know. I almost hear like that whisper in the garden, does she really want to know? Right. And then it's like, oh, okay, yeah, I shouldn't say anything. You know, but because uh to be honest, I don't think any woman like it's not something you look forward to. You don't want to hear, hey, I need to sit down with you and and and tell you something really heavy. Because in a lot of ways, this is sort of like um, and the work that Ann and I do, it's it's like an earthquake. Um, you know, this really shakes and rattles um, you know, almost you know, to the core. And that's where the repair can start to happen. But I feel like I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself. But I just wanted to say, like, I don't like this isn't information that anyone's ever necessarily looking forward to. So I, you know, in one way it's like, does she want to know? Like, probably in some way, no, but if you don't share this, right, and that's where I want to kind of get into some of a couple of things that you just um shared a minute ago, James, is that you know, if if we if if the uh the betrayer keeps this a secret, right? It just we know that in even in in scripture, right, things that are hidden in darkness like remain there. And it's not until the light is shown on those things that there's actually exposure and healing. And um, and Jesus is the light, right? So he wants to shine light on these places to bring it, uh, bring these things that have been into in darkness into the light, uh, so that it it can be dealt with appropriately and and accordingly. And um yeah, so one of the things that I instantly start to think of is you know, for for the for the betrayer, right? Which is which is most often um you know in our work, the the husband and our yeah, right. It's the the man in the relationship more often than not. Um and in some ways I hear the well, okay, uh, you know, I'm rationalizing if she knows, then what? What's what's that mean for us? You talked about like, oh, our relationship's actually going really great. But I would say the relationship that you think you have is going really great because you're holding information that she does not know, and that's not fair to her.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you, Aaron. So you said it so well.
SPEAKER_02:And I think uh and I think that, you know, and that and I think honestly, that's probably what paralyzes most men from sharing, because there's this idea of like, you know, well, you know, if if I share, it's over, or if I share, you know, fill in the blank, and and we don't know what's gonna happen. And so that fear, we're more focused on the fear of the unknown in that situation than actually like walk, maybe walking this out or what what this might look like. And so I I see it in some ways as sort of um an excuse to not share. Um, you know, if she really knows, then what um our relationship is gonna change. Like she's gonna know this stuff that I've you know, hidden. And in some cases, James, uh I I've had clients that have had this hidden for years, decades, and then it and then it comes out, and then there's a whole lot of unpacking.
SPEAKER_00:Um there's so much more to unpack all those decades down the road.
SPEAKER_02:Yep. And so, um, and so yeah, I think, you know, um, you know, and then again, just thinking like, oh, well, she doesn't want to know. Well, that's your you again, you're convincing yourself that, you know, well, oh, sure, she doesn't want to know it. So then it's easier for me to not share it. Um, but again, you're aware of something that's going on that she's not aware of.
SPEAKER_00:And actually, Aaron, the I'm gonna jump in real quick is most have a gut feeling that something's going on.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And their body is telling them pay attention, ask a question, like something is going on, and they're so smart, and they're they're not, they're not, they're being fooled and deceived, and they actually their body is actually giving them information that something's not safe.
SPEAKER_01:And I I just got to pull on that thread, Aaron, and and of control, because when we're keeping the truth to ourselves, we're we control the narrative. Maybe she's noticing a change. Maybe you started awaken or a different recovery program, and and she's like, whoa, something's different, something good is happening. And you're thinking, yeah, like I'm working things. She doesn't need to know ever. I'm taking this to my grave. What we're doing actually is controlling uh the narrative, which actually can impede our own healing. Now, I'm not terribly familiar with the 12 steps. Uh, I've got some guys I walk with who have gone through the 12 steps, whether it's through alcohol, sex addiction, drugs, whatever it is. But I'm pretty sure one of the steps, maybe you guys know, is recognizing we we we can't control our lives. It's actually a step toward freedom is recognizing that the control we've been trying to have is what drives us to our behavior in part. And by releasing control by saying, I'm not gonna control the narrative of my marriage anymore. I need true authentic intimacy, I need true honesty connection, and that will only come by releasing the control of controlling the narrative.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, James, I think that's step one. Is it okay?
SPEAKER_01:You gotta refresh me, man. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Um, I I think it is the isn't that the one where it's like you are powerless by yourself. There we go. You have no control, like and that's the starting, that's the starting point. Starting point. That's step one is is coming to that realization of like, yeah, shoot, man. I have tried all of these things. I've white knuckled, I've maybe even gone through, you know, bouts of you know, sobriety where you know you're not acting out, you know, six months or you know, a year or something, and then you fall back into the cycle or whatever. And so it, you know, it's like, oh, I've tried this, I've tried, and and it's like, okay, you can't do this on your own. Um, you know, and so I, you know, it's just that acknowledgement, I think, is is huge. And and and and and something else that you guys brought up too is that, you know, I don't know if it was Ann uh who mentioned, you know, if, or maybe it was you, James, again, I don't know, but you know, if they're doing some work prior to sharing, I think that's actually very helpful. Um, you know, because it it starts to give them some language. Um, and it also, you know, when they share that information, it's not just, hey, here's all of the secrets, you know, or whatever, but it's also, and I'm taking some steps to try to, you know, figure this out and get better. And not that that necessarily changes the initially how that you know goes over or is received um from the partner. Um, but I think would would you agree, Ann, that if there is some um recovery sort of in action, that there's um I don't I don't know how to word that, it's not a softer blow, but it's a um there's something else that's there. It's not just coupled with or it's not just the the behaviors and and and those things, but you're already starting in, you know, to try to um you know provide some element of s of safety or or change. I don't know what you would say to that.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I I think that they would come with hopefully like some support and sharing. And I I'd really like love to um still um provide like a voice for the wife who um deserves the truth and she deserves it uh wholeheartedly. And so I don't wanna I there's a fine line, like I'm feeling like a little bit defensive for the woman out there who doesn't know, and actually it's harming her, not learn not knowing this, it's deception, yeah. So it's really but I hear the value in the the husband getting help in order to share with their wife.
SPEAKER_01:It's hard medicine. When we're actually getting honest with the person that we're most in uh intimately connected with on this earth, it's hard medicine. It's it's letting go of that control. But we actually, friends, we want to introduce to you, we're gonna be releasing a PDF that has five essential steps. It's it's titled Five Essential Steps for Husbands in Recovery, but it would work as well for for um for a wife who uh is the betrayer. But we actually want to outline these five steps today because we want to acknowledge that not everyone is in the same place in their marriage. First of all, many people start recovery as Aaron was alluding to because their spouse has found out. And that's what initially drives them. But occasionally there might be someone who realizes they're convicted by the Lord, like I, or a friend says to them, you really need to get after this. They start recovery, their spouse knows nothing, they've been married for a decade. That's occasionally the case. So we want to acknowledge both types of situations and we want to answer this question that we've been getting at should I confess to my spouse, both on that macro level, they know nothing versus you know, sharing initially, but also on like a week-to-week level of do I really need to confess at a weekly check-in or whatever that might look like. So I actually want to introduce guys these five steps. And we've worked on this as a team, pretty happy with how it's come out. Um, but the five steps are if you are beginning recovery, step one is start recovery. And so if you are literally like just hearing this, you're you've been listening to our podcast for a while, you've been struggling, you're married, perhaps your spouse doesn't know yet, plug right in. Like, don't take another moment to not like we call it the three C's. Get get community. So get a good uh support group. We our Awaken 360 program is a great example of this year-round support for men. Get good content. Again, in a program like Awakened 360, you're going to be learning a ton, things that you really don't know. I often say to um to men, hey, you actually don't know all the reasons you're here. And that's a humbling reality, but it's a great place to be, to recognize there's stuff I have to learn. And third C the third C is coaching or counseling. So get that kind of one-on-one support to really begin unpacking your story in earnest. So if you've not done any recovery, just dive right in. That's what we say is step one. Step two, for the occasional man who has never ever shared, or the occasional woman who's never ever shared, your spouse needs to know. They need to know your struggles if they don't know anything yet. So if if you're that unique person who you're you're thinking, I need to start recovery. My spouse doesn't know anything, sign right up, but don't hesitate, like Ann was just saying, to dive right into step two. Let your spouse know. And maybe you say, hey, I don't understand this yet. I'm signing up for some stuff. I'm getting into a group, I'm I'm showing up at a 12-step group, whatever it is. And I need to confess this to you. I need to take control out of my own hands and let you know this has been a struggle. So if your spouse knows nothing, they need to know. That's step two. And we're gonna unpack these, by the way, guys. So I'm giving a brief flyover, but we're gonna unpack these. Step three, help your spouse get the support they need. They might need the three C's, they might need a group like those that Anne leads for betrayed wives. They might need coaching or counseling. They're gonna need some content to understand what's happening to me right now as I'm experiencing this betrayal. And then uh step four is establish regular check-ins. We really do believe in these and we'll explain more of why they're so important. And finally, step five, set your marriage up for long-term healing. And some of that actually has to do with the work Ann and Ann and Aaron do in full therapeutic disclosures. We'll explain more of that as as we get to it. But also the work Ann and I are doing in our restored to more classes, where couples actually come together and begin working on recovery as a couple, not just individually. So these are the five basic steps. The reason we felt the need for this is we don't want someone. To go through our groups for years, or let's just say a man has been working hard for several years on his recovery and he's never actually considered. I have a spouse who needs to know this. I have a spouse that I need to restore with. They need to know the truth. We need to actually uh I keep getting the image, guys, of a broken bone. The bone needs to be reset so that uh the bone can heal. Very painful process. I've personally not had a broken bone. I don't know if either of you guys have had it, I've heard it's extremely painful, but necessary. It's a necessary medicine to have the bone reset.
SPEAKER_00:So we're gonna body work best, right?
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. For the long-term healing of the body. If you never reset that bone, the marriage is not gonna actually be healing in a true deep way. Okay, so we got to get into this a little bit. Again, in light of this question of some people coming in, like, I don't think my spouse really wants to hear it. Why, why, Ann, is it so important? Uh, we we outlined step one for those who have never done any recovery, dive right in, do something. Why is it important to start, Anne, in your opinion, with your own work in the process of healing your marriage? Why is it important to do some of this individual work? And then, you know, we'll we'll get later to doing work as a couple. Why is it important to start with your own work?
SPEAKER_00:You're I mean, your willingness to uh do your own work is potentially saving your marriage. Um, healing, healing cannot happen unless the the the betraying spouse transforms. That creates safety for her and stability in her life, and then it can create like what the couple wants together. Um it you know, she she needs to see the the evidence of of hard work and it really makes a difference. It it creates from instability to stability is his work to to dive in. It helps her body feel like safer. That's what gets lost is this inner feeling of um am I safe in this relationship? Because everything feels unsafe, unpredictable, scary, unfamiliar. What she thought was familiar now has changed. And his work is like groundwork. It like starts to like build momentum in um her own well-being.
SPEAKER_01:So him actually becoming renewed, uh, transformed, healed in new ways actually will make an impact, and you're saying directly on his wife, or you know, vice versa as well.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, a hundred percent. Um, when he begins to unpack um his shame and unpack like developmental wounds, body regulation, when he starts to do that, the whole you can feel it in the whole house. You can feel it in the whole the whole environment begins to soften and change. It's profound, really.
SPEAKER_01:Aaron, I think of this often's work. Yeah, I I can't help but think of this often as as this journey of maturity. I mean, so many uh of the men we're walking with, Aaron, are like, and this is myself included, I'm totally in this category. We have not learned how to regulate emotions well. We have not learned how to meet our needs in healthy ways. How do you see that uh begin to make differences, Aaron, in in the couples you work with? Because again, you and Ann do these disclosures. You're often helping a man, sometimes for months or years before they're ready to do a disclosure. So in the coaching you do, or even in the groups you lead, like unwanted, how do you see that maturity journey begin to take root in the household? Not just impacting the the husband, but actually impacting the whole family.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's that's good. I think you know, it it there is um a growing uh in the awareness of this isn't just hurting you, right? This isn't just about you know what you know what maybe you've done or what you've concealed or hidden, and um that it does it it impacts um those around us and those that we love the most. Um and you know, when you start to um, you know, as Anna was talking, you know, I'm I was thinking, you know, what's what's not known um can't be healed. And think about how like when when somebody, you know, maybe has had you know something wrong with their system for a long time and they didn't know what it was, um, and then they get that clarity. Oh, this diagnosis, like this is what's going on. Now I can get the healing, you know, that that I need. Um, but when you're not aware of it, it it you can't get the healing for it. And so what's not known can't can't be healed. And so once it is known, then there is that opportunity for both, because both will need to step into a journey. Um, and that's the thing here too, is that it's not just about his journey, it's also about her journey too. And so when I'm working with guys, one of the first things I ask them is does your wife have support? Is she meeting with anybody?
SPEAKER_01:Um, which we'll get to in a moment with uh step three, actually, probably next week in our next week's episode talking about step three.
SPEAKER_02:And and so because I it's just it's so important, like could because she's now um going to have a journey that that she's going to need to to enter into, um, which could feel sort of unfair because it's not something that she wanted, it's not something that she expected. Um, but it it is a it is a reality um in in sort of the recovery work. Um, because for that relationship to to thrive and to heal, both of them are also gonna need to heal. You know, there's three components there's his healing, her healing, and then their relational healing. Um and so I think like, you know, the the growing in that empathy and beginning to see uh, I know some guys even wrestle with the word betrayal, like you know, it was just you know pornography. I wasn't acting out with any other person or whatever. And but if you sort of kind of go to the like the definition of like betrayal, like it's you, I mean, essentially you've acted sexually outside of your marriage relationship with your spouse. Um, that is that is betrayal, and we don't need to get into the weeds of you know, what is you know, if you prescribe to that, or I mean it that's that's kind of it's what it is.
SPEAKER_01:I remember Jay Stringer and Unwanted quotes someone who says that pornography is pictures of prostitution. And so for many of us, it can feel like, well, this is pretty different, but man, this is where Jesus's Sermon on the Mount comes right in. Like, he's like, hey, you're lusting in your heart. You've committed adultery. Because I think in Jesus' eyes, the same roots of lust bear the fruit of pornography, and further up the tree, they bear the fruit of adultery. I mean, it's it's all the same roots, it's all the same root system. Like when we're struggling with lust or giving in to lust, we're actually participating in that same system, whether the degree is higher or lower in our eyes, you know, like, oh, I didn't actually physically connect with someone versus I looked at pornography, either way, it's still the same kind of root issue. It's still, and maybe you can speak to this, but it's still that seeing the spouse as an object rather than a person to be loved. I mean, when we're looking at pornography, we're training our brain. What I'm trying to say is we're training our brains to see people as objects to be used for our own pleasure, for our own regulation, for our own help and our own salvation, if I can use that word in this funny way. And that actually is distorting the whole way often the husband, who, if if they're the betrayer, is looking at their wife in the first place. Yeah, screening the brain for not really seeing the person in front of them.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And it really hurts the wife at such a core level. Like, I'm I'm not enough. I'm not what you want, I'll never be what you want. And then she feels such self self-loathing. I mean, it's so it breaks your heart. Like the whole, the whole dynamic.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, John Paul II in his theology of the body, or even the precursor, love and responsibility, is saying, look, we often are struggling, and this is the struggle in every marriage, by the way, according to John Paul II, to see the person as this infinitely valuable being. And so if every marriage struggles with that, even if there's not pornography or affairs or other sexual sin involved, it's still a journey of actually like seeing your spouse through the eyes of God as this eternal being, beloved of eternal value in God's eyes.
SPEAKER_00:And that is what every woman wants and craves and is hoping for. Yeah. That deep love.
SPEAKER_01:So, guys, I think what we're gonna have to do is pause for today and we're gonna come back to the steps two through five next week. Again, in light of this question, should I confess to my spouse if they don't want to hear it? But I want to encourage you, in the show notes will be the PDF uh of these five steps. You can follow along with us, you can look at them, you can wrestle with them, and we're here to talk about them. These are not, uh we didn't write scripture here, so we're not saying these are utterly perfect and infallible, but we are saying that for so many of especially the men we walk with, to not realize there's this other person involved if they're married that needs to be cared for. And by the way, as Aaron was alluding to, the empathy you're called to develop as a husband or if you're be uh a wife who is betrayed, the empathy you're called to develop for your spouse is another part of your healing. It's another part of my healing. It's part of our development into Christ-likeness, knowing how to actually see and love the people in our midst. So we want to encourage you, check out that PDF. We're gonna continue walking through it next week. Um, Aaron or Ann, any any kind of final words? And would one of you be willing to pray for us?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I did have something I wanted to share too. And and especially, you know, I'm just thinking of the listener right now that is perhaps terrified of entering into what does this actually mean and what does this look like? Um, you know, if if if you if you step into this journey, um there's sort of like a there's there's no going back, right? Like what's once you've shared that information, it's known, and now you enter into this. But I would say um to that individual or individuals, uh disclosure is always better than discovery. Um discovery is so much harder because uh and and again, and I don't make light of that. And the just the disclosing is also very hard. Um, but when a wife walks in on you, or whatever it might be, or you know, you left your phone on the counter and a text message came through from uh somebody else that you've been acting out with, or whatever the case might be, though like that is that is so much uh different and harder. And I don't know if Ann can speak briefly to that, you know, uh the difference, but I I I just want to encourage, especially, you know, anyone who is kind of stuck in that place, that I I truly do believe that disclosing that information is is better than it being discovered.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, the long-term benefit is um uh significant. And uh my last parting words are find the courage to be a transformer, a transforming spouse. Like find the courage and make a difference. One that we'll never regret.
SPEAKER_01:Will you will you pray that courage over us and our listeners?
SPEAKER_00:Yes, I'd love to. Lord, I pray for any man or woman that's listening today that feels um terrified. Would you breathe your courage into their body and soul and mind? Would you give courage and strength, honesty, and power that will actually transform not only uh potentially the the wife, the spouse that's listening, but the entire family and generations to come. And I bless you with courage today. Amen.
SPEAKER_01:Amen.
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