What Your Sexual Sin Really Says about You

Your sexual desire can feel like a verdict. When you’ve gone back to porn again, crossed boundaries again, or found yourself stuck in patterns you hate, it’s easy to believe the loudest story: this is just who I am. We push against that lie with a different question, one that exposes the strategy of shame: why would the enemy want you to believe your sexual behaviors define your identity?

We stay in John 4 with Jesus and the woman at the well, not to weaponize the passage, but to hear the tenderness in it. Jesus doesn’t approach her with scolding or disgust. He speaks of the Father seeking worshipers who worship in spirit and truth, and we explore what it means to believe you were made for that kind of worship even while you’re struggling. The goal isn’t pretending sin is fine. The goal is letting God “untwist” what’s disordered from what’s deeply human and deeply holy: the ache to be known, cherished, and held without shame.

From there, we talk about sex as union. Sexual drive is intense because the longing for union is intense, but the deepest union you want is bigger than a moment, bigger than chemistry, even bigger than marriage. Marriage itself is a signpost pointing to the communion we’re designed for with God. If you’re a pastor, mentor, spouse, or friend walking with someone through sexual addiction or compulsive sexual behavior, this lens also changes how you help: less accusation, more truth, more patience, more hope.

If this brings relief or conviction, don’t keep it to yourself. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs a shame-free path toward sexual integrity, and leave a review so more people can find it. What’s one line of shame you’re ready to stop agreeing with?

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Transcript

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To all of those of you listening who are wrestling currently with sexual sin, something that's been going on in your life for a long time, something you've been trying to shake and struggle to do so, this podcast is for you today. And if you're not someone who's currently struggling yourself, but you walk with others

Who This Message Is For

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who do, you've got a loved one who does, or you're a pastor or a church leader or a mentor who's walking with somebody who's struggling, I hope that you'll listen in, too, 'cause I think what I'm gonna talk about is gonna be really helpful for you. So some of you have heard me give a, a, a talk before. I, I did a podcast on this not long ago about, uh, Jesus' interaction with the woman at the well in John three. And it's been a passage that's just been sticking with me. Sorry, John four. It's been sticking with me. I've, I've, I've found myself kind of ruminating on it, going back to it over and over and over again. It's actually one of the great things about doing a podcast or giving a sermon or giving a talk, is that you get to just to spend time wondering about, thinking about, musing on the same passage over and over and over again. So, uh, it's-- I mean, that's one of the selfish gifts I get in the work that I do. But there have been two things that have been standing out to that passage that I wanna share with you that I think will really encourage you, whether you yourself are struggling or you know someone who is. Because for so many people who struggle with sexual sin on a h- on an habitual basis or addictive basis, the feeling of like, "What is wrong with me? Why do I keep going back to this?" That feeling can be accompanied with so much shame

Why Desire Starts Feeling Like Identity

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and so much accusation from the enemy, and in many cases, for some of us, so much accusation from the world. The fact that you have these attractions, the fact that you keep going back to this, it just declares loudly who you really are. You know, you're just a, you're just hungry for sex. It's normal. That's what human beings do. You're gonna continue. You can't be faithful to one person. Or you keep having sex with someone of the same sex, that just means that's who you are. We-- It's the-- Our sexual desires become so entrenched, and our sexual behaviors can become so entrenched, that there's something that just feels like this is just who we are, and we gotta dig under that because why? So let me begin with this question: Why would the enemy want us to believe that our sexual desires define us? Why would he want us to believe that the sexual behaviors that we keep going back to over and over again are, are saying something about who we are? I'd like to suggest to you the reason the enemy goes so hard after those of us who have wrestled with sexual sin is because he knows that underneath those desires, there's a deeper, more profound, more beautiful, and dare I say, more holy desire than most anything else that we experience Could it be that this thing that's driving you crazy, that's producing so much shame, that is-- that you're finding so much accusation coming at you from, that underneath it there's something really beautiful about you, something really wonderful about you, something that God has His eyes on in you and He cherishes? And that's why He doesn't just snuff out your sexual desire. That's why He doesn't just rip it away and take it away from you. I remember years ago, um, many of you may have heard me share this story before. Uh, I was a college student out at CSU, Colorado State University in Colorado, and I had just been looking at porn, indulging in porn again, and I, I was a Christian. I love Jesus, and I hated this stuff. And I remember walking across the campus, it was late, late at night, nobody else was out,

A Late Night Prayer After Porn

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and just praying to myself, "Lord, I, I love you, and I know you love me, and I hate this stuff, and I know you hate it, so why don't you just take it from me? Why don't you just remove it? I know you can. Why don't you?" I didn't hear anything in response. I think I know better now why. Because I think that there was something underneath that, something that had gotten twisted up, and if he had just removed that part of me, he would've removed something deeply profound and deeply meaningful, deeply important that he cherishes, that he himself put in me. And could it be something deeply cherished inside of you that he put in you? And what is that thing? Okay, John 4. Jesus says to this woman when she's talking about this Messiah who's going to come and how... I'm sorry, she's not at that point yet. She's talking about how, um, uh, the, the Jews, so you have to worship in Jerusalem, but our fathers used to worship

John 4 And The Worshiper God Seeks

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on this mountain. And Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, a time is coming and now is, when the true worshipers will not worship on this mountain or that mountain. The true worshipers that God is seeking are gonna worship him in spirit and in truth. Those are the worshipers that God is seeking." And I believe, and I said this in this previous podcast, I believe that what Jesus was insinuating when he said that to that woman was not a statement about like you should become a worshiper like that, but rather you are that kind of worshiper. I think reading between the lines there, I think this is why Jesus made a point to be at that well. I think this is the reason that John writes that Jesus had to go through Samaria. He had to go through Samaria to see that woman. Why? Because the Father is seeking worshipers who will worship him in spirit and in truth. My brothers and sisters, why doesn't God just take away your sexual sins? Why doesn't he just take away your sexual desires? Why does this have to be so difficult? Because he is seeking worshipers who will worship him in spirit and truth. What do I mean? I mean this. Every time that we go to sexual sin, every time we turn our attention away from what we know God wants for us and we instead become occupied with, immersed in, uh, habituated in, focused on sexual sin, we are longing for a deep,

Sex As A Drive For Union

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deep union We are longing for a deep, intimate connection. That's what sex is. By God's design, sex is deeply intimate. It is supposed to be one naked human person who is giving his or her life to another naked person who is giving his or her life to the other. It's this reciprocal husband and wife coming together in this unashamed, uh, un- unbarred, nothing between them way where they actually become what scripture refers to as one flesh. They are s- their lives are so intimately bound together that they become one. And in a very physical, biological way in the sexual act, they become one. And Dr. Todd White points out in his book, Mere Sexuality, that e- every human system, every, every biological system in a human person, your cardiovascular system, your nervous system, your digestive system, all that works independent within one human person, male or female. It just... You... All you need is yourself But there's one system, one biological system in the human person that does not work alone, and that's the reproductive system. That requires someone else. So the reproductive system is not able to work without union with another person. But when husband and wife come together in that union, the, the system, that system is one system. The, the reproductive system is one system working together. One system, but requiring two. That's biological, they become one flesh. And, and when they become pregnant, literally the, the seed from the man and the egg in the woman become one flesh, and that one flesh becomes another human person, another eternal soul comes into existence. And just incidentally, there's also, they found a, a, a, a microscopic spark, a burst of light when the sperm and egg come together. Isn't that beautiful? That's what happens when new life is created deep in the, in the woman's body. One, that one flesh union. So what's the point there? Your sexual drive, that which has been m- making you crazy in some ways and, and becoming so, and so difficult to navigate, and, and I know that personally, the, the difficulty. That drive, why is it so powerful? It's so powerful because it is a drive for union. It is a drive for oneness. But more importantly, more profoundly, that drive for sexual union, for biological union, for one flesh marital union, that's not the real union that you're longing for. It is a union that you're longing for, but it's not the real deep longing of your soul and your body. What's that longing? That longing is for union with God. For union with God. The longing you have for sexual union, at its core, underneath everything else, even if you're walking complete sexual integrity, complete marital chastity, underneath the longing for your spouse is a deeper, more profound union. And I can say this as a married man who's been happily married for 25 years. Happily. Every marriage goes through ups and downs, so let me just be clear about that. The, the Disney-fied version of marriage is not a reality, because the Disney-fied version of marriage, the one where they go off and live happily ever after, that doesn't happen in human marriage. That's not where it stops. That's stunting it. It's a cul-de-sac. Human marriage is an image. It's meant to be pointing to the union that we most desperately, most deeply long for, the eternal union that we are designed for. Jesus said i- in, in the resurrection, there will be no marriage. There will be no giving of, of one another

Marriage Points Beyond Itself

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in marriage. Why? Because they will be married. We will be married. The church will be married to the bridegroom. The bride and the bridegroom. That's the longing. So sexual sinners, those of you who are wrestling with sexual sin Does God look upon your sexual sin with disdain? Does he hate that this is a reality in your life? If he hates what you're doing, it is only because it is, it is, uh, sullying the bride he loves. It is, it is hurting you whom he loves. It is marring the image of the ultimate union that he has designed you for. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6, "The body is not designed for sexual immorality, but for the Lord and the Lord for the body." Notice what he doesn't say. He doesn't say that the body's not made for sexual immorality. It is made for sexual union between husband and wife. As true as that is, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6, look it up, "The body is not made for sexual immorality, immorality, but for the Lord and the Lord for the body." This doesn't mean that God is gonna be, have sex with us. It means that marital sex is pointing towards the ultimate union that we're designed for. And so when Jesus meets with the woman at the well and she's got a long history of sexual immorality, repeated habitual sexual union in ways that are, um, that are broken and fallen,

Jesus Meets Sexual Shame With Gentleness

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Jesus doesn't come scolding. He doesn't come accusing. He doesn't come shaming. In this gentle, beautiful way, he comes wooing to this woman who is designed to be a true worshiper. And how does he know she's designed to be, to be a true worshiper? Well, I think partly through divine revelation and partly because she's been going after man after man after man. But the man that she is looking for, the one she is looking for, the union that she's looking for, the intimacy, the unbarred naked and unashamed intimacy that she's after is when she beholds face to face in, in, in utter divine, um, holy nakedness without shame. When she beholds face to face the s- her savior, her bridegroom, the one for whom she is made. So could it be? And what would it do for your own journey towards sexual integrity if you were to begin responding to your sexual desire, including your sexual, sexual failures with a little bit more kindness, recognizing that the Lord wants to untwist the sexual sin from the deepest longing that any human being has, the deepest longing inside of you that longs to be cherished, held, known, loved, and to cherish, know, hold and love your savior? Brothers and sisters, I, I think that's, that's what you're made for and that's why you're struggling Oh, and I wish it was just so easy, just easy enough just to know that to stop. But m- but muse on that. Noodle it like I have done. Open up John 4 and read the story for yourself. Ask the Lord, "Lord, what do you see when you see my sexual desire?" Even, even as it rises, going, "What do you see?" And friends, if we can help you here at Regeneration, if we can sit with you in prayer because you struggle to hear the Lord speaking to you that way, or you struggle untwisting your sexual sinful desire from the holy desire for the union with the Lord, if you struggle in those ways, and we can help you in, in coaching, in spiritual coaching, we'd love to sit with you and walk with you. We know that the Lord has more for you in this area of your life, and we'd love to help you in that way. So please take advantage of that. And I'm not giving this podcast just to sell coaching. I'm-- We, we, we provide coaching because we really long for people to walk in the kind of freedom and intimacy with the Lord that they're designed

Practical Next Steps And Coaching Offer

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for. And we know it's, it's as, as much as we wanna see marriages restored between husbands and wives, even more so what we wanna see is men and women walking in union with the God who loves them so, so very much. So let me pray for you. Jesus, um, I know well the struggle with sexual sin, and I am getting to know more and more the deep longing of every human heart, of my heart, Lord, for union with you. Lord, would you teach us to

Closing Prayer For Redirected Desire

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redirect our desires away from sin and towards you, and would you help us to wait faithfully for you as you wait faithfully for us while we long for union. We say, Lord, we are the bride of Christ. We say, Lord, come. Come, Lord. We pray these things in Jesus' name. Amen.