Insecurity: The Hidden Fuel of Sexual Addiction

Calling yourself “humble” can sound spiritual while you quietly live in self-doubt, shame, and a constant need to prove you matter. In this episode of Becoming Whole, we share part of a hard truth: insecurity and humility are not the same, and mixing them up can keep you stuck in lust and unwanted sexual behaviors even when you genuinely want freedom.

We walk through the difference between love and lust, then connect it to the sexual addiction cycle: challenging life events, triggers, shame, and the pull toward quick relief. Along the way, we name why pornography can feel like a drug of choice. It doesn’t only create arousal, it hijacks the body’s deep language of dignity and value, offering a counterfeit “you are wanted” right when you feel alone, stressed, or unworthy.

If this helps, subscribe, share it with someone who feels stuck, and leave a review so more people can find the path from insecurity to love.

Resources from this Episode:

• Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You by Jim Wilder et al.
• Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla 
• Growth Into Manhood by Alan Medinger
• Genesis 2:21-24 - “They were naked and unashamed.”
• Luke 15:11-32 - “You are with me always, and everything I have is yours.”
• Mathew 3:16-17 - “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”

Join us for the Awaken Retreat, a weekend designed to help men step out of isolation and into deeper honesty, healing, and connection.

October 9th -11th | Early Bird Registration Available More Information & Registration

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Transcript

Insecurity Vs Humility Setup

Josh Glaser 0:18

So I, I lived a lot of the early years of my Christian life, uh, really confused about the difference between insecurity and humility. Mm-hmm. And I think I thought that I was a, a rather humble guy. Mm. Didn't- I couldn't take compliments very well. I would, I would kind of cringe inside if somebody was complimenting. Even if I typically agreed with them, I, I wouldn't give myself permission to, to agree. I was wrong. Insecurity and humility are not the same thing. They're actually on, on opposite sides of the spectrum.

James 0:47

Hmm.

Josh Glaser 0:48

But what does that have to do with dealing with lust, dealing with unwanted sexual behaviors? Because this is the Becoming Whole podcast after all, so we're, we're here to help men, women, and families learn and live God's design for sexuality. What does this have to do? It has everything to do with living God's design for sexuality. It has everything to do with walking away from lust and walking towards love. So I'm here today with James Craig, the director of programs here at Regeneration and one of our spiritual coaches. Hey, James.

James 1:14

Hey, Josh.

Josh Glaser 1:16

Uh, James, as you hear me even kind of frame that up, humility as opposed to lust, humility as opposed to lust, but insecurity fuels it. Oof. What comes to mind for you?

James 1:29

I love... I, I'm, I'm kind of like, "Where are we going to go with this?" But I already see- There's something about true love, and even true humility, being out of a place of solidity, being out of a place of groundedness. I mean, humos, I believe, is maybe the Latin root. It could be the Greek root. I, I could be mixing all this up, but humos is where we get the idea of humility, and it means earthy or grounded, I believe.

Josh Glaser 1:52

Yeah.

James 1:53

And so there's something there about, like, when we're actually grounded, it can look... I, I mean, humility, as we see in the Bible, can look like maybe the same actions you were already alluding to as someone who's dealing with insecurity, but it's actually from a completely different heart posture. There's a different, uh, interaction with our soul, so to speak, like how we're doing when we're carrying it, how it might connect to our own sense of temptation or draw to sexual sin in any given moment. So just some initial kind of riffing, but I'm excited to see where this goes.

Josh Glaser 2:28

Yeah, so keep, keep that in mind, 'cause I, I wanna, I wanna pick your brain later about it. Um, but listeners, a- as you're, as you're listening today, I want, I want to start with a, a little bit of a confession, but then also move into just an invitation for you. The confession is this: this topic about, about confidence and humility and insecurity and how this all kind of plays together with our journey away from lust is something that I, I didn't really know, I didn't know, and, and, and God's been kind of weaving into my life the... an encouragement, a strong encouragement to, to lean into confidence in ways that, frankly, I don't feel real confident about. But- but I am, I am over and over and over again seeing the fruit of what He means, and how insecurity is so opposed to Christlikeness. Um, so, so track with us, stay with us, 'cause I think it's gonna really help you in your journey away from lust, whatever the lust- lustful behaviors you may be struggling with. And if you're listening in and you're not struggling with lustful behaviors, listen in anyway, because insecurity is op- is opposed to love. It's opposed to Christlikeness. So whatever the area of, of struggle for you is, I think you're gonna benefit from today's podcast.

James 3:39

Mm-hmm.

Josh Glaser 3:39

So that's the, uh, that's the confession and the invitation. Listen in. So track with me here a little bit, 'cause I wanna, I wanna rewind and talk a little about, just very briefly, about the difference between love and lust, and I wanna make some comparisons between the two. And if you've listened to this podcast for len- in any length of time, this may be familiar to you in some ways. But as I, as I do, it's just gonna... I'm just gonna be... try to create

Love And Lust Defined

Josh Glaser 4:03

a frame around why this is so important, why we wa- we have to get after insecurity in our lives, why we have to uproot the places that are, that are still wrapped in shame and insecurity if we wanna be- break free from unwanted sexual behavior. So, so here are some comparisons, and James, you can pipe in if you, if you've got some others. But in general, and I've got a bunch of them here, so I'm just gonna read through them, love sees a person. Lust sees an object Love sees a whole person. Lust just sees body parts. Love desires the other's good. Lust desires one's own pleasure Love wants what's best for the other person. Lust just wants what's pleasurable for oneself. Luf- lust, or sorry, love serves another person, lust uses another person. Here's another one. Love considers the past, present, and future. Lust is only concerned with right now, what I can grasp for myself right now. Um, oh, I gotta, I gotta show these, these, these two. Love dignifies the other person. Lust degrades the other person. And then listen to this one 'cause this is important too. Love dignifies oneself. Lust degrades oneself.

James 5:35

Mm-hmm.

Josh Glaser 5:37

James, anything else you'd add to that list or anything, any of those that kind of pop for you as we're thinking about this, how insecurity can be this hidden fuel for lust in our lives? I

James 5:47

mean, taking that as a whole, uh, uh, one note I guess would be lust looking for one's pleasure- Yeah you gotta take that as a whole because wanting pleasure's not inherently bad, but when it's done over and against a place of love outside of the context of love, we often say it like this, eros or passion or desire isn't inherently bad, but it needs to be brought into the life of agape, into the life of self-giving love. And so I hear, I hear that in, in a lot of what was on your love side of the list. Things like, uh, most notably to me actually would be the past, present, future thing. Because lust or even eros when it's unbound from agape, when it's just kind of doing its own thing in the flesh, it forgets that I have context with this person. Yeah. This person's my spouse. I- we've got 10 years together. Or, I mean, our desires can be that powerful. Um, so yeah.

Josh Glaser 6:44

Yeah. Yeah, and uh, if we wanna... I mean, 'cause here's, here's our, our absolute belief. Everything that God calls us to, so when God calls us to love, love the Lord your God with all your, with all that you are, and love your neighbor as yourself, or Paul to, to husband and wife in Ephesians 5, "Wives, just as everybody's called to submit one to another, submit to your husband out of reverence for Christ. And husbands, give up your lives like Jesus gave up his life for his bride." Those are high callings. Ultimately we believe that, that following Jesus into everything he calls us to is where, is where our, our absolute pleasure and happiness, our ultimate fulfillment is. So, so yeah, I appreciate you kind of framing up that pleasure is not the enemy here. It's not like we're trying to become sadistic or, uh, stoic. We- Mm-hmm we, we actually believe the pathway towards ultimate fulfillment, ultimate happiness is the way of, the way of God. Mm-hmm. And includes things like love, not lust. So yeah, maybe a better phrase would be, you know, love seeks the other's good, lust only seeks immediate-

James 7:52

Mm.

Josh Glaser 7:52

Mm selfish pleasure. Something like that. That's

James 7:54

well said. Yeah. Yeah.

Josh Glaser 7:56

Um, so- So, um, James, help me out here. Like, I don't know if we've talked on this podcast recently about the sexual addiction cycle.

James 8:05

Um- Not in a while. Okay. Not, not as far as I know.

Josh Glaser 8:07

So I, I wanna kind of, I wanna kind of dig in a little bit to, to that, because I think it's gonna help even as we think again about this concept of insecurity. So one of the things that we say in this... in, about

The Sexual Addiction Cycle

Josh Glaser 8:18

the sexual addiction cycle is that everybody experiences difficulty, pain, trouble in this life. Jesus said, "In this world, you will have trouble. Um, but take heart, I've overcome the world." But what we do in the sexual addiction cycle, those of us who have habituated ourselves to unwanted sexual behavior, when we experience trouble, difficulty, emotional or physical pain or discomfort in our lives, it triggers this response to run towards, to move towards whatever that sexual behavior of choice is. Um, and it becomes so ingrained in us that even when we experience that emotional pain or discomfort, without realizing that we're doing it, we- we're set off. That's why they call it a trigger. We're triggered into this cycle that eventually moves us into our sexual acting out again. Mm-hmm. And once that's over, we just feel bad about ourselves. And for years and years, what we, what we have experienced is that this is why I feel bad about myself, 'cause I keep doing these things that I don't wanna do, and then I feel like, you know- Mm-hmm suddenly I'm Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I, I did what I promised myself and other people a million times that I wasn't gonna do, and I did it again, and that makes me feel bad about myself. Well, Jay Stringer introduced us to the idea that actually the feeling bad about yourself precedes the whole thing, and it helps us to kind of recognize that, that, that discomfort, that pain, that trouble that we experience in life, we call it in, in our Awaken group, we call it the challenging life event. Mm-hmm. Um, that actually is... When we experience that challenge, it just weaves itself together with shame, or shame weaves itself together with that. And so the fact that we're experiencing trouble then becomes itself a negative statement about us. So other people wouldn't feel hurt by that statement that my boss made. My boss wouldn't have made that statement to other people. I'm so whatever. Mm-hmm. Um, I'm studying for an exam, and I'm super stressed about it. Well, why am I super stressed? Because I... somewhere deep inside, I've placed my identity, my worth on how well I do on this test, because I don't believe that I've got self-worth that is, that doesn't, you know, has nothing to do with this test. Um, and so that shame gets mixed in there already. Mm. So let me just pause there for a second. Um, James, I'm, I'm, I'm trying to keep our listeners in mind here as I, as I fly over a lot of territory. Um, can you connect some dots? Are you hearing any dots connected between how we get into that sexual addiction cycle and the role of insecurity that play, that plays-

James 10:43

Yeah

Josh Glaser 10:43

a role? Can you, can you-

James 10:44

Yeah. Well, yeah, so it's, it's really helpful to recognize that challenging life events can be positive. Your wedding day can be a challenging life event.

Josh Glaser 10:53

Mm, yeah.

James 10:54

Um, I, I, I know one guy who, uh- Getting a lot of donations, uh, as a, as a missionary was a challenging life event because it spoke to that same thing you're talking about. He didn't really believe he deserved those donations. He was, uh, struggling with sexual sin, and by God's grace, he's had significant overcoming. But you know what I mean? Like, the- these types of things can challenge us becau- if, if they resonate with something undeveloped inside. So a challenging life event becomes a trigger when there's something in us that's undeveloped or unhealed. And so the same thing that you and I could both go through the same thing, Josh, and for one of us it could be a trigger, and for the other it could just be a challenging life event that we just kinda move through because for one of us, there's something from our past. Which actually I think is, I think our definition of trigger is so helpful, Josh, because it's not just the, "Hey, don't trigger me. Triggers are your fault" thing that we see sometimes in our culture. It's the, "Oh, there's something in me that needs developing," and it's not necessarily, and usually it's actually not at all my fault that it wasn't developed. The wound that I experienced when I was five or the, the undeveloped sense of I'm a beloved son that kind of, you know, wasn't being developed at a young age. Like, those are not things that I could have chosen into. These aren't things that I could have manufactured. We can only give out of what we receive, and we come, we all come from lines of, of generations of people who haven't received things in certain key areas, haven't been fathered by God in certain places

Josh Glaser 13:34

Yeah. Yeah, what's, what is they say in life model, James? It's something like the, the aim is not to never feel, never, never to be triggered, never to feel that kind of pain. It's how quickly can you move through it. Like, maturity is not- Yeah that you never get your feelings hurt or you never get dysregulated. Yeah. Maturity is, is growing in our capacity to handle the difficulties, to- Yes as Paul, as James writes it, consider it pure joy- Mm-hmm when you meet various trials. Like, okay, this is actually gonna turn out for my good.

James 14:04

Yes. As

Josh Glaser 14:04

opposed to this is a sign of how bad I am or how much God doesn't care about me or how much a- how alone I am in the world.

James 14:11

Yeah, it's like when the gospel, as the gospel gets internalized, that God really loves me and He moved heaven and Earth to be with me, and He wants his kingdom to come in and through me, and He has forgiven me through the cross, all those layers of the gospel in j- all of it centered around the person of Jesus. When that is internalized, w- we have what Eugene Peterson calls maturity in the gospel. We, we have this belief, Josh, and this is a process for all of us, you and me included, that I'm loved even in this place. I can seek repair. I can seek reconciliation. I can bounce back from this place because the gospel isn't that, uh, God wiped the slate clean enough, no human history actually happened, and He snapped his fingers and erased all human sin and all human history. The gospel is that God brought repair where human history is a series of rupture after rupture after rupture of sin.

Josh Glaser 15:01

Yeah, okay. All right, this is great. This is great. So here's, here's the question. I can hear, I can almost hear our listeners saying, "Okay, fair enough. Like, I recognize that without the gospel, I... without internalizing the gospel, having it kind of woven together, instilled in me, um, learned in my DNA, like, uh, practiced into my reflexes, without that, I feel insecure in the world. Bad things happen. I feel insecure in my relationship with the Lord. Lord, are you causing this? Did I d- do I deserve this? Somebody treats me poorly or they criticize me. And instead of taking this as an opportunity to grow, I feel like, oh, it's just more evidence of how crappy I am." Wow, yeah. And so what do I do with that? Mm. Instead of bringing it back to relationship with God and others, I go inward. I go back to myself. Um, uh- Mm or I grasp for just a little relief.

Triggers, Shame, And The Gospel

Josh Glaser 15:49

And I've talked elsewhere, and it's worth mentioning here, that one of the reasons that pornography is such a powerful, powerful drug of choice is not just because of the sexual feelings, the sexual arousal- Mm-hmm but because the human body speaks a language of love and value that is powerful. Mm-hmm. And so when, even when it's fabricated, artificial, not real, not with somebody that I know, the fact that I am, that I am either beholding or with another person's naked body through my sexual acting out- That naked body, even if it's somebody I don't know, is still speaking that powerful language of you are worth all of me.

James 16:30

Yes.

Josh Glaser 16:30

This is my body given for you. I give all of myself to you. That is imprinted- Yeah as a language in the human body. It's imprinted there by God. Yeah. And porn hijacks that, so it becomes something that we grasp for in that moment of insecurity, that moment of feeling ashamed- Yeah of feeling unworthy, of feeling alone- Wow feeling of only worth, you know, I gotta take care of myself 'cause nobody else is really gonna take care of me. Um-

James 16:52

Well, that, that, that speaks to that word dignity you brought up earlier. Yes. Like, the naked body speaks unlimited, un- uncontainable dignity because each person is truly unique in all of creation, unrepeatable, and eternal. The, the scripture teaches that we're eternal. And not to say that humans have the same power as God, but that's what the human body speaks and communicates over us, is someone of eternal value. And these are not thoughts that we have consciously, Josh, when we're clicking around looking- Right for pornography or whatever. But, like- Good point th- this is part of what, what we're, what we believe at Regen is happening under the surface.

Josh Glaser 17:31

Yeah.

James 17:32

Uh, this longing for the, the dignity of another person who's willing to be naked for me.

Josh Glaser 17:38

Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, it, it... Yeah. That goes back to Genesis 2- Mm-hmm when, when, when God creates Eve, and the man is wakened up or wakes up and beholds her, and he's like, "Whoa, whoa." Um- Yeah, I mean, the, there, there is really so- there's meant to be something powerful, and it's, it's meant to be a spousal power, like where husband and wife behold each other. Again, with echoes back to Genesis 2, naked and without shame. Why no shame? Because, as you're putting it, I love that, because each sees the inherent, inbuilt God-given dignity of the other, and the difference in the other. The sameness and the difference. Like wow, this is... She is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, but she is she, not he. You know, the, the- Mm they see the other without fear, without trembling. Mm-hmm. Sin gets in that, in there and suddenly, like, that nakedness, that, that dign- that mutual dignity that happens, that esteem that happens, one for the other, becomes this threat, and now there's hiding. And we all carry... I, I believe that we all carry this side of, of Eden, a, a, a kind of a sense of shame that we just ha- feel in our bodies. We don't- Mm-hmm usually articulate it. Hopefully we don't experience it all the time, but, but we... I think, I think most of us carry, if not all of us, some just, "Man, I just don't feel like, like I am made to feel all the time." And so-

James 19:05

Yeah

Josh Glaser 19:05

add to that wounding and sin and- Mm-hmm and addiction, and suddenly, you know, w- it makes, it makes a bit more sense, at least on, on that subconscious level as we articulate it. Like, why am I grasping for that thing that I said I don't want to grasp for anymore?

James 19:19

Yeah.

Josh Glaser 19:20

Um-

James 19:20

And no, no, nothing in the natural world, it... The natural world as it's now marred by sin, can fill that fully. I mean-

Josh Glaser 19:28

Yeah, yeah.

James 19:29

As we cry out to the Lord, I'm not saying he doesn't use people. He really does. Like, "Father, would you father me? Would you make me secure? Would you make me humble?" Part of how he's offering an answer to that prayer is gonna be direct. He's gonna do some stuff directly, and he's also usually gonna do stuff through his body. He's gonna send father figures. He's gonna send, uh, people we learn from, teachers and authors who, who we feel re-fathered by. Not in the same complete sense that he is the perfect father, but we really do, we do need rescue from outside. Yeah. We, we, we... This closed system of Earth without God, uh, we can't fill these places-

Josh Glaser 20:05

Yeah. All right- naturally so we're g- and we're gonna come back to that, 'cause I, I do want us to end with, like, well, what do, what do we do? Like-

James 20:10

Yeah

Josh Glaser 20:10

but I can hear, I can hear some listeners at this point going, "Hey, well, like, I get how the gospel, how the presence of Jesus, how what Christ has done in his, his incarnation, life, death, resurrection, and ascension, and his coming spirit, can move me from a place of insecurity to security, but not necessarily from insecurity to confidence." Mm. Like, unless you're talking about just purely confidence in God and his provision- And I am talking about that for sure, but I'm also talking about unequivocally, unapologetically talking about confidence within yourself, confidence about yourself. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Maybe, maybe confidence about yourself is better than just confidence... 'Cause I, I'm not talking about something that's divorced from confidence in God, but I am talking about confidence in, in oneself or about oneself. So James, anything you wanna, you wanna venture into there in answer to somebody who might object to the word confidence about oneself?

James 21:07

Mm. Well, so many of us, uh, myself inc- included, grew up in context... I grew up in the Reform tradition, and the Reform tradition has a lot of- Mm great contributions to the Body of Christ, including this one, but it could also be twisted. The contribution I'm talking about specifically is the concern about pride, pride being the root of all sin, pride being maybe preached on on a regular basis, pride being searched for under any given nook and cranny when it comes to sin. I say that's both a blessing and can also be twisted up by, by

Porn Hijacks Dignity And Worth

James 21:38

sin itself because when we only have a pri- when we primarily have a pride grid, it can be really hard to think confidence about oneself is ever a good thing. Isn't that just pride? Mm. Uh, versus recognizing I think what you're gonna get at, which is, well, it's actually out of a place of being married to God. It's out of a place of this union, and so it's, it's flowing from him. He's the source. He, he has to be the source. This is not, this is not spiritual pride as C.S. Lewis talks about it, where it's like I think I'm earning my way to God. That's what spiritual pride is in its essence. It's actually a, a confidence in belovedness. I- i- it's... A- and now I'm using circular definitions 'cause I threw the word confidence right back in there, but, but true security in God is a confidence in belovedness, I think.

Josh Glaser 22:27

Yeah, I love that. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'd say, I'd say pride is either I can get m- I can make my own way to God or I can, I can make myself into God. I can be God. I can, I can, um- Mm-hmm.

James 22:39

Yes. Well said

Josh Glaser 22:40

di- displace God in my life.

James 22:42

Yeah, yeah.

Josh Glaser 22:43

And, and it is something worth guarding against. We don't, we don't want to, to give into pride. Um- Yeah, I, I, I go to a church that talks a lot about how, you know, everything we do we wanna do to give God glory, not to get glory for ourselves. Um, and I, I, I appreciate that. At the same time, we serve a God who has given humankind a, a measure of glory, uh, on the earth. What do we do with that? So I, I wanna- Yeah I wanna riff o- kind of dig into what you're saying about, like, confidence is, is recognizing and it's actually accepting by faith our beloved-ness. Another way of saying it or coming at it would be to say, well, I mean to borrow it. This is an old phrase. I, I don't like you, you to use cl- cliches 'cause it can sometimes lead people. But God don't make junk. Mm-hmm. Like, if we truly believe our God is an infinite, loving, powerful, creative, um, good God, then can we hold that if He has made us, then what He has made is very good? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Can we live our lives with, with a kind of confidence not generated from just within ourselves. Like, "Hey, I made myself and I'm, you know, therefore I'm confident." Mm-hmm. But rather like, I'm created by the, the God of the universe who has created, I'm looking out the window here, all, all that I can see and more, and He has made me. And not only just made me like the rest of creation, but as a human being. He, I am, I am one of eight billion on the planet right now who bear his image to the rest of creation in a unique way. Like-

James 24:25

Mm

Josh Glaser 24:26

that sounds like some place for confidence. Yeah. I've been using this phrase kind of like, uh, 'cause it helps me to kind of frame it up so that I don't, I don't get it confused in my own brain. Humble confidence-

James 24:38

Mm-hmm

Josh Glaser 24:38

or confident humility. Like-

James 24:41

Okay.

Josh Glaser 24:41

Yeah they're essentially interchangeable. Like humble confidence. So, um, yeah, let me, so let me just k- just as I did with love and lust at the beginning, let me, let me do this with insecurity and humility. Yes. 'Cause I think it'll frame it up a little bit for us the difference. Like, where insecurity says I am less than other people, humility says I'm an equal who takes the lower place. Uh, insecurity says, "I don't belong." Humility says, "I'm a full member of God's family, and as such, as such, I serve just like my father does." Insecurity says, "I have to prove myself.

Humble Confidence Versus Pride

Josh Glaser 25:14

I have to prove that I'm worthwhile." Humility says, "I have nothing to prove, and so I can take the lower place." And think about Jesus here, right? Like, this- Yeah I'm describing Jesus. Yeah. Insecurity says, "I'll never be good enough." Humility says, "I'm a beloved," there's your word, "I'm a beloved son or daughter who's made good by my savior." Insecurity says, "God commands..." Oh, I love this one. Insecurity says, when God makes commands like, "Be holy 'cause I'm holy," I'm just wrapped up in like I, I could never do it. I'm, I'm gonna fail. Yeah,

James 25:47

yeah.

Josh Glaser 25:47

Um, humility says, when God says things like, "Be holy because I'm holy," it means as a son who fully belongs in his household, I can find what I need in his household and use it willingly and freely. Um, I l- I love that one. That one always gives me chills 'cause it's kind of the idea of like, you know, like a, a, a child who is adopted by a, a wealthy, um, um, uh, father, like who's fully grafted in. When he, when he or she reaches full age and they say, "Dad, can I take the car?" He's like, "You mean your car? Like-" Mm everything I have is yours." This is, this is straight from, uh, Jesus' parable in Luke 15 about the, the older brother and the younger brother. Yeah. And the father comes out to the older brother who's just like, "Why? I've worked so hard." Like, you know- Mm-hmm you can hear the insecurity. Like, "Why are you giving him all that stuff? And you've never done anything for me." Mm. He's, he's done the right behaviors, but he's just wrapped in insecurity. And the father says- Yeah he says, "We, we ha- your, your brother was lost. We had to throw him a party. Like you are..." And then he says these beautiful words, "You are with me always, and everything I have is yours."

James 26:53

Yeah.

Josh Glaser 26:53

And I think that's what, that's what confidence is. That's a humble confidence. Mm-hmm. Like my father has this, has abundant wealth, infinite, and I get to be confident about, about my place because I'm his son. So- All right, so we're gonna- I'm gonna land the plane here in a minute, but, like, James, I've talked too long. Give- or long enough, but, like, what, what's popping for you over there?

James 27:15

Well, it's funny because sometimes when we talk a lot about pride, and again, I, I don't disagree necessarily that it's either the root or close to the root of all sin as the classical, you know, Christians thought of it, but sometimes- Mm all the talk about pride can actually breed insecurity, which is a form of pride, right?

Josh Glaser 27:32

Yeah. Say, say more about that.

James 27:34

Yeah, like- Yeah if, if I'm always... So if true, uh, i- if God, if we worship a big God, and I think some people are jealous for His glory, and that's why they're always talking a- about pride. Like, you can't be proud. You can't steal from His glory. But you actually don't need to diminish the human to exalt God.

Josh Glaser 27:54

Yeah.

James 27:54

Yeah. It doesn't really actually expand the distance because to bring humans lower and lower by talking down at humans, I'm not talking about true humility, I'm talking about kind of bringing people down and, and sowing inconfidence, uh, uh, into people, right? Like, that can actually create a, a sense of pride because it has... It, it's just so, it's all focused on self ultimately. It's accidental, and it's not trying to be the fruit of this, but the actual fruit sometimes of talking about pride in an unhealthy way can actually be pride. And i- instead of, uh, I love Keller's idea of humility, which is fully aligned with everything you were just saying, Josh, I think it's self-forgetfulness. I don't need to be so focused- Mm. Oh on how messed up I am all the time. I can, I can be just the kid who's just going into the pantry 'cause this is my house. Like, I'm in the Father's house. And similarly, Josh, you brought up the life model earlier. Uh, for Jim Wilder, the kind of father of the life model- When we are operating out of the fullness of how God's designed our brain, when we're operating out of the prefrontal cortex and we have access to kind of the fullness of our personality and, and who we are, our identity, we're not usually consciously thinking about all that. It's not super conscious usually where it's like, how is it like, uh, people at my church to act? We don't usually need to pause and ask that. We're just acting like the people at our church. We're acting like fellow saints in the context of our brothers and sisters. In other words, that child who knows confidently they're securely attached to the father, they know that this is theirs. Like, and funny enough, the younger son also had a little bit of a complex of like, I'll just go and try to become a servant. I'm... He's not gonna really- Right make me a son, right? Yeah. Both sons had a little bit of that complex of like, what the father has is not mine. And, you know, that, that's probably a better approach at times than assum- over-assuming, but, but you don't even need to be thinking in those categories when you're in that place of secure attachment to the Father.

Josh Glaser 29:55

Yeah. Beautiful. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I love when you bring Wilder stuff. It, um, we'll have a link to that in the show notes. James is, is well-versed in, uh, uh, in that, that stuff, and it's, and I, I keep thinking I gotta get, get in there 'cause it sounds so nourishing. Um- Yeah. So friends, just to, just to kind of like orient us before we hit one last section, the, the premise of this podcast today is that if you're wrestling with, with habitual lust, on some level you're dealing with a, an issue of shame and a deep insecurity in whose you are and who you are. And so could it be if there's something popping for you in this podcast, the Father himself, the creator of everything, including you, might be inviting you to come know yourself more as He knows you, to see yourself more as He sees you, and to grow. And that's gonna be a process, but to grow in a sense of confidence about who you are so that you, you cease to grasp for a momentary sense of, of worth that's subconscious or momentary distraction from how you feel bad about yourself or the, you know. And this isn't about always doing everything right, but, you know, as a, as a confident, well-attached child makes a mistake, and after that rupture with mom or dad is repaired quickly and just moves on- Yeah as opposed to, as to being, being stuck in that space and kind of, you know, moving- Yeah under the stairs in the basement 'cause, 'cause that's, um, what might God be inviting you int- into. Um- Mm. I did, I, I had a meeting last week with a, a young guy who, um, had, had another fall sexually, and as I, as I sat with him, some of the behaviors he was talking about concerned me. I felt, man, like we're... This could lead to trouble. Um- Mm-hmm and I felt some anxiety rising in me, and I just kind of took a moment in the meeting to just to, to sit back and be like, "Jesus, what are you saying?" And what came to mind for me was just a, a very strong word of like he doesn't know who he is.

James 32:05

Mm.

Josh Glaser 32:05

And so I, I pivoted from want... Like, my instinct in the flesh was to like go after like, "Okay, look, you gotta be careful, man. This could get out of, way out of hand." As opposed to what, what the Father I felt was inviting us into that moment was like just to- Mm begin saying like, "The Lord sees something different in you than you see in yourself. The Lord sees something heroic and good and, and full of dignity and value in you that you don't yet see. And this journey isn't just s- you to stop sinning sexually. This journey is actually about you beginning to step up and know yourself as a son or as a daughter of the Most High God, someone who bears His image and His likeness, not just in what you do, but when the Father looks- Yeah at your face, He sees the reflection of His face. Mm-hmm. When the So- Mm-hmm when the Father looks deep underneath the desires you wrestle with and sees the core desires, He sees something that reflects Him and that is a call to relationship with Him.

James 33:02

Yeah.

Josh Glaser 33:02

So th- this is about a journey towards growing in confidence- Mm-hmm in relationship with God in a sweet, sweet way.

James 33:09

Yeah.

Josh Glaser 33:10

If you're not yet convinced, let me just throw this out there too, like, uh, was Jesus insecure? No. Would you say that Jesus walked around in life with this kind of like tepid sense of like, you know, insecure sense of his, His position with, with the Father? No. He walked away, He walked around with, with that humble confidence in who He was. Yeah. He knew who He was. And you are called, my friends, to become Christ-like. So- Mm-hmm um, if you're not convinced for any other reason than that, say, "Okay, Lord, I want to become more like Jesus." Yeah. "Including in, in, in my own view of myself. Like, you-" Mm-hmm "didn't make me to be crappy. You didn't make me-" Mm-hmm "to be worth no more than grasping at the latest, you know, TikTok video that turns me on. You made me for something worth much, much more than this."

James 33:59

Yeah.

Josh Glaser 33:59

Um- And,

James 34:00

and can I just say this? If you're having... If, if you're like, okay, got trouble believing this, I, I wanna figure out how to overcome. I've, I've dealt with a lot of wounds, what, what is called sometimes Type B trauma, bad things that have happened to me, and I've seen some breakthroughs. I've seen maybe in prayer ministry or in counseling or in coaching, I've seen some breakthroughs. Why am I still so insecure in some of these places? Well, you mentioned, Josh, we'll put in the show notes some- something from the Life Model, what we should put is the classic

Refathering Through Presence And Community

James 34:28

book that Jim Wilder and several others wrote, Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You. Mm. 'Cause they have this key chapter, Type A and Type B traumas. I already just described Type B. You can actually see really quick success. If God brings the memory up in prayer ministry and Jesus meets you in that memory, Type B traumas can be healed on the spot. So you might be at church, and you're at... My church has prayer sometimes after service, and you see some people, like, they're crying and they're having a breakthrough. Why am I always so stuck? Well, Type A trauma, they describe in the Life Model in Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You as absences. Absences. And absences are harder to recognize as trauma. Absences often don't have immediate breakthroughs because how do you, how do you grow something that's been in absence? You need presence. And so I also wanna just draw you to this idea from my... My lead pastor likes to say this. If you've spent 10,000 hours mastering insecurity, how much might you need to spend 10,000 hours really sitting with the Father in a way where you're being loved by Him, your identity is being built? And it's not just sitting with the Father. It's being part of the body. It's being at church. It's being in community. Sometimes easier said than done. But Alan, our founder, actually was huge on this, Josh. You've told me that Alan was so big on protecting his, what he would call the, his morning quiet time. And funny enough, in his book, Growth Into Manhood, which I'm currently reading, I think it's his only book, he talks about how you wanna grow into manhood, you wanna overcome things like SSA or other things, get at the identity. And this is coming back to your thought and kind of putting a bow on it a little bit, is come back to the identity that can only be spoken over time. I'm telling you, Josh, I'm- Yeah I'm more serious than ever in the last year or two of my time with Jesus- It's slow. There's so many days where I don't feel that connected, but there are enough drops in the bucket, so to speak, where I'm, I'm seeing some places where the water's overflowing or tipping over in a good way because I'm being... I'm opening myself to being loved by God each day. I'm opening myself to mentors and to friends and, you know, the communion of saints, if you will, and, and saying, "I need to be re- uh, reparented, refathered, re-" A- a- and as we ask the Father for this, He will provide. This is one of those places, write a check. Like, base your life on this idea. Ask Him to provide refathering, and watch what He does. Mm. You might need to have someone help point out... I, I just had a client yesterday who we asked for some of this stuff. It's happening, and he didn't recognize it. We had just asked two weeks ago, and God is providing him a community where he can be refathered. God loves to answer this prayer, Josh.

Josh Glaser 37:07

Yeah, yeah. So good. So good. And He loves to answer this prayer because He is good, and He is so generous with His children. He's not stingy with you. That's, that's the lie that goes back to Genesis, Genesis 3. God's holding out on you. I, I mean, it's, it's just assumed in the words that Satan speaks to Eve.

James 37:27

Yeah.

Josh Glaser 37:27

He's holding out on you. He- y- you're not really all that. You know, y- He, He, He created you in his image and likeness, but the enemy's gonna come at you and say, "You're, you know, you're not really like Him. You know, like, you gotta eat this fruit to become like... You gotta sin. You gotta-" Mm. Like, you, you don't, you don't. Like, this is, this is something that the Father pours into you. Jesus' words in John 15, we've been meditating on that as a staff, "Abide in me. Abide in me. Abide in me." Mm. And there's so much good that comes out of just staying connected to Him. And James, what I, what I really appreciate what you were just saying, too, I think so many of us, like, in even trying to hear the Father's voice, think that what we're listening for is, is the Father telling us the next thing to do.

James 38:06

Yes.

Josh Glaser 38:07

And that, and that may be, but if we come at f- come at it from a place of insecurity where we believe that we don't have the kind of value that we need, then we're immediately gonna translate any command that God, that God gives us into a, a requirement in order to become worthy, which is- Yes is counter to receiving the good of the gospel for us. Um, now-

James 38:27

He does very little telling me what to do, Josh, when I open my pen- Mm-hmm and say, "Lord, what are you, what are you saying in light of the scripture I just took in? In light of all this time and prayer, what are you saying to me?" Very little is... But it is cool still to look back some... So occasionally it'll be like, wait, it's usually wait on me. That's what I was called to do because He, He's gonna work some stuff out, and as I look back on the day prior, I'm like, "Oh, you said to wait on you," or, "You said this, you know, to love someone in this particular way." There, occasionally when there is that kind of action step, and I'm like, "You were so faithful in that." Mm. I, and I get to look back and see that more, but most of the time it's, "I love you. Here's- Mm here's... I love you. You know, I'm for you, I'm not against you." Okay. Talk about refathering.

Josh Glaser 39:08

Yeah. Makes me think of, um, the beginning of Jes- the beginning of Jesus' ministry- Uh, before he's goes into public ministry, before he's tested in the wilderness, he's baptized by John, comes out of the water, and the Father speaks over him, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I'm well pleased." Yeah. And how much we, we need... If Jesus needed that, how much more do we need to hear those kinds of affirming words about just our belovedness, our place with Him-

James 39:36

Yeah our

Josh Glaser 39:36

confidence. Yeah. So I, I do wanna highlight before we wrap up, uh, that what James said is so true. This is a journey. I, I said at the very beginning this is a journey that, that I'm on, growing in confidence. I, I feel a little embarrassed to say it 'cause there's a part of me that's still very insecure, but, um, but I am finding increasingly that, that in order to give... I- if the definition of love is giving myself for another's good, and that, that comes m- almost verbatim out of, out of... I'm not sure it's verbatim, but the concept comes from, uh, Karol Wojtyla's book, uh, Love and Responsibility We'll have a link for that in the show notes too. Uh, but i- if that's, if that's what love is, love is giving myself for another's good, if I believe that I'm a crappy gift, then giving myself for another's good is not a good gift, and I'm gonna be that much more likely to grasp in some other way for some validation versus that which James talked about, that, that kind of forgetfulness about oneself, not because you're, you're worth less but because you, you have a confidence. You can look out from yourself without trying to-

James 40:38

Yeah

Josh Glaser 40:39

gear back at yourself for how other people might see you. Um, that's... Then I'm able to, to love others, and I see that in my relationship with my wife, my children. I see it when I do the, my work here, uh, when I can have that, when I can grow in that confidence just knowing that God is, He's with me, He loves me, He's made me good. Mm. And I, I don't have everything. I don't have all the gifts, but I can bring this gift, the gift of myself, fully to another person and to the Lord. Um- Yeah that's very different than lust. That's very different than from the place that drives me to lust. Mm-hmm. So-

James 41:09

Yeah

Josh Glaser 41:09

if, if you're wrestling with this, friends, um, you, you may have a church environment where it helps you. This is also one of the reasons that Regeneration's coaches are here. It's one of the reasons that we have our groups and programs. Reach out to us. We would be honored to walk with you. Why would we be honored to walk with you? Because God's made us very good, and we are certain that He's made you very good, and we'd love for you to begin seeing what He sees by going to Him with you. Um, sometimes it's hard

Reach Out For Help And Prayer

Josh Glaser 41:34

to sit and listen for the Lord's affirmation on our own 'cause we're so trained in those insecure, shameful messages. And so it can really help to be with someone else who listens with you and for you. Yeah. So we'd be honored to do that. James, before we wrap with a word of prayer, any, any last words you'd wanna say to our, to anybody listening?

James 41:52

Hmm. Well, I just... This is so present on my mind because tonight at Awaken we're talking about, um, one of the ideas c- that can be twisted up in all this is this idea of total depravity, especially if you come from a Reformed tradition. But interestingly, you point out, quoting R.C. Sproul, the Reformed theologian, that total depravity in the Reformed tradition is not utter depravity. In other words, uh, I forget exactly how he puts it and then how you comment on it, but basically it's saying don't buy the lie that you are worthless, that you are junk, as you said earlier. Um, don't buy really any lie that keeps you away from the Father. Don't buy any lie. Mm-hmm. Anytime something's keeping you from the Father, keeping you from Jesus, keeping you from the Holy Spirit- Whether it's a full lie or a partial lie, it's a lie. And so I just wanna encourage that as, as we, uh, uh, whether we misinterpret theol- theology that might, might be true, we just have come to false ideas about it, or whether it's, "Oh, you shouldn't pray. You should just be more focused on this or that," don't buy the stuff that keeps you from Him. That's... He's a- He's everything, and anything that keeps you from Him is from the enemy.

Josh Glaser 43:05

Yeah. Yeah, so good. Yeah, the difference between, between, uh, that kind of utter depravity, like there's, there's absolutely zero good anywhere in me versus there's no part of me that hasn't been corrupted in some way by sin.

James 43:18

Yeah.

Josh Glaser 43:18

And every part of me, me needs Jesus.

James 43:20

Yes. Um,

Josh Glaser 43:21

but that doesn't mean that there's no good in me. Yeah. Uh, that's a... That was a, that was a new thought for me, um, uh, several years ago, and it's, it's, it's important and good-

James 43:30

Yeah

Josh Glaser 43:31

um, for multiple reasons. That's another podcast altogether. Maybe we can come back to that.

James 43:33

Yeah, right.

Josh Glaser 43:34

Um, yeah, so Jesus, um, we look to you as we wrap this podcast up. Um, Lord, I, I pray for more of this for me and for James and for everyone listening. Lord, would you clear away the clutter and help us to see and know ourselves as you do? Lord, tune our ears to your voice. Open our eyes to the way that you gaze upon us, you who see everything, uh, in front of whom nothing is hidden.

James 44:00

Mm.

Josh Glaser 44:00

Would you open our eyes, Lord, and help us to open our, ourselves, body and spirit, mind and soul to you, to let you look upon us and see that you love us, you love us, you love us. Lord, we're not, we're not worthy. How can it be? And yet it is. We love you, Jesus. We love you. We pray these things in your name. Amen.