Becoming Whole
Relationships and sexuality are areas of life that can be beautiful or confusing, life-giving, or painful. Becoming Whole is a conversational podcast for men, women, and families seeking to draw nearer to Jesus as they navigate topics like sexual integrity, relational healing, spiritual health, and so much more.
Becoming Whole
Unprocessed Disappointment is Holding Back Your Sexual Integrity
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A lot of us want joy without the valley, freedom without the tears, and healing without feeling what happened. That’s why we start with a vivid picture: your inner world as a dinner party where every emotion shows up, including the ones you’d rather avoid. When we refuse to “come downstairs,” we often reach for fast comfort and one of the most powerful shortcuts is sex. It can feel like relief, but it’s a pseudo-resurrection that never brings real repair.
James Craig sits down with Kyle Bowman to talk about what happens when we stop running and begin paying attention to disappointment, grief, and the places our stories still ache. Kyle shares part of her journey of moving from a distant, “God is out there” mindset to an experience of being surrounded and pursued by the Lord’s love. From there we connect the dots between family of origin wounds, unmet attachment needs, and the deep desires every heart carries: being heard, affirmed, blessed, safe, appropriately touched, chosen, and included.
We get practical about Christian grief processing: how to acknowledge loss, how to practice lament with the Psalms, and how tools like Emmanuel journaling can help you meet Jesus in the pain rather than bypass it. We also explore why sadness can turn into anxiety or anger when tears are blocked, why temptation often points to avoided grief, and how God’s comfort leads to resilient joy on the other side. If you’re navigating sexual brokenness, betrayal trauma, or simply a stuck heart, this conversation offers language, hope, and next steps.
Subscribe for more conversations on wholeness, share this with a friend who’s carrying something heavy, and leave a review so others can find the show. What’s one grief you’ve been trying not to feel?
Resources from this episode:
- 7 Desires of Every Heart.pdf
- Language of lament worksheet.pdf
- Immanuel Journaling.pdf
- Three Percent Podcast referenced about sadness: How To Be Less Triggered with Dr. Kelly Flanagan
- Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy - Mark Vroegop
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Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:
👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)
Emotional Dinner Party And Numbing
JamesImagine a dinner party full of emotions. You've got joy, you've got sadness. I mean, just, you can kind of picture the movie Inside Out if you want, but it's a dinner party, and dinner's going on, and there's all the positive emotions, there's all the negative emotions. Anger and anxiety are sitting with, uh, peace and joy and all the other good things. You're up in your bedroom, hiding. I'm up in my bedroom hiding because I don't really wanna dine with the full experience of human emotion. One of the best ways to avoid negative emotions, another way to say that, one of the best ways to avoid pain is through sex. Doesn't mean best in the godly sense or the moral sense, but one of the most effective ways to avoid negative emotions is through sex. But as we know, if you're listening to this podcast, I'm sure you know that sex creates a pseudo-resurrection. It creates a pseudo-joy. It creates a pseudo-relief Because only by going down to dine with all the emotions, only through death can resurrection come. I'm James Craig, director of projects and spiritual coach here at Regen, joined by Kyle Bowman, our director of ministry. So Kyle supervises me and a bunch of the other coaches, and she also does coaching herself. Kyle, I'm so grateful to have you on Becoming Whole today.
Kyle BowmanNo, it's always glad to talk with you, James.
JamesSo Kyle, uh, last June we did a, we did a podcast together on some of your story coming out of, uh, your, your journey with same-sex attraction and what it looked like to walk through that. In your, in your late 20s, early 30s actually i- is when God was doing this deep, deep work in your heart, drawing you to himself, growing
Kyle’s Return To Following Jesus
Jamesyour desire for him. More fundamentally than changing any, any other desire was growing your desire for him. Can you just remind the listeners, we'll, we'll have it at the episode in the show notes, but can you remind the listeners a little bit of what that was like, what, what God was up to in those maybe, it sounded like maybe four or five years of your life?
Kyle BowmanYeah, and it was probably even a little later in life. Um- Oh,
Jamesokay. Yeah
Kyle Bowmanyeah, so-
JamesMid-30s,
Kyle Bowmanearly 40s? It's probably closer, yeah, closer to early 40s. Gotcha Like late 30s, early 40s, um, when, you know, you reach a place in life where you may ask yourself, "Is this all of life? Is this all of what life has to offer?" And, you know, for me, being brought up in a Christian home, um, you know, Jesus is always there whether you acknowledge him or not, um, when you've been brought up in a, in a Christian home. Gotcha, yeah. Um, and so those questions started to arise for me, like is, is this all that there is? Is, is this the epitome, pinnacle, whatever word you want to use there- Yeah of life, and is there something that's even more fulfilling and satisfying?
JamesSatis- more satisfying than what? Was it money? Obviously sex was a part of that. Like, what was it more satis- what were you wondering
Kyle Bowmanabout? I, I think of, I think it was more about just satisfaction with life and how it is.
JamesMm-hmm.
Kyle BowmanRight? Um, and that included everything. It included work, it included money, it included, you know, the way I looked as a person- Mm-hmm and the people that I was engaging with, uh, relationships, all of those things. It was like- Is what I'm living really the best? Uh, because there was still that sense that there was something that wasn't being fulfilled.
JamesYeah.
Kyle BowmanAnd, and I, you know, it's easy to talk yourself out of those things. Uh, right? 'Cause you, you can- Or to
Jamesnumb yourself out, right?
Kyle BowmanYeah, yeah. To avoid it. You kind of go like, "Well, you know, I must just be kind of going through a thing, and it's okay, and I don't need to be stressed out about it." Um, but there's a point at which you have to pay attention to it.
JamesYeah.
Kyle BowmanAnd so there did come that point in which I paid attention-
JamesMm-hmm
Kyle Bowmanand really just went, "Okay, so let me kind of revisit this whole thing about being a Christian and following Jesus."
JamesMm-hmm.
Kyle BowmanAnd my eyes were just... It was a different experience because I was learning something more about what it means to be in relationship with Christ. Like-
JamesHmm
Kyle Bowmannot just know about him. Uh, 'cause for me, I c- I, the way I may have d- would have maybe explained it is it's like God is there, he's out there. Mm-hmm. And, you know, as long as you're, like, you're not killing people, as long as you're not, you know- Hmm robbing people, then he's okay, and he's gonna make sure you're gonna be okay. Hmm. And so that was sort of the God of my creating as opposed to- Yeah the true, the one true God. And then when, when you start to really just even grasping the truth about Jesus' death on the cross, like Jesus going to die- Hmm, mm-hmm for me, like how does that change my life? Um, and so that's the journey I went on. And, you know, thanks be to the Lord, like, my eyes were so, were opened to like the fullness of what it means to follow- Hmm the Lord, and putting that first above everything else, and not just about make this different in my life, you know, make me- Mm-hmm a better person, make me rich, whatever it is- Hmm you wanna go after. Mm-hmm. Um, but making that the thing that I pursued and not anything else.
JamesI almost imagine an image, maybe you can fill in the blank if this image resonates, like you're kind of looking down, you're kind of in your own world a little bit, you're getting a little bit stuck, and then you kind of look up and you, you're looking around and you, you find Jesus. What would that image look like for you? Was it you, you then saw a kind of an image of him on the cross, you know, to metaphorically summarize- Mm-hmm the season? Or was it he was standing next to you? Or how, how would you describe what you began to realize?
Kyle BowmanUm, wow, that's a good question. I think if I were gonna- If I were gonna put an image to it, it would be more like being surrounded. Like-
JamesHmm
Kyle Bowmanthere was someone surrounding me, someone pursuing me, but not in a, in a scary pursuit kind of way. Yeah. But, like, I always felt like the presence of the Lord was always with me. And so-
JamesWow
Kyle Bowmanyeah, just, like, just being surrounded by something, I think is what I would- Huh how I would describe it.
JamesWow. Almost like now that you are paying attention, you're like, "Whoa."
Kyle BowmanYeah.
JamesI think someone was holding me in His arms- Yes this whole time."
Kyle BowmanYes. Yes.
JamesHuh. So with that, Kyle, whenever, whenever God invites us into I mean, He's always calling after us, but whenever maybe we, by His grace, look up and see that He's surrounding us, He's, He loves us, He's for us, we often have to go to some hard places, and I obviously
Family Wounds And Heart Desires
Jamesframed up this podcast and that, uh, image. It was actually taken from our Awaken course, uh, of the emotional dinner table, right? The emotional dinner party. Often when you start to engage with God, there's some disappointments that you have to begin to process. Was that I don't remember getting to talk to you about that a ton last year. Was that a part of your story, some past disappointments?
Kyle BowmanOh, for sure. Like, I don't think I c- could be where I am today without that.
JamesYeah.
Kyle BowmanUh, and, and you know, for some people who are listening, it might be that they didn't even realize it was- Yes something to be processed.
JamesYes.
Kyle BowmanBut for me, there were all of the, the family of origin dynamics, um, particularly just relationship with my mother and desiring, uh, of having a relationship that was really well emotionally attached and attuned. Um, you know, and, and understanding h- what effect that had on me-
JamesYeah
Kyle Bowmanand what, and how it, it informed the kinds of lifestyle choices that, that I made.
JamesYeah.
Kyle BowmanAnd so even just going, "Oh my gosh," like- Just first of all acknowledging that that was a missing piece in my life. But then acknowledging the sadness of, oh my goodness- Mm like, I pursued this thing, this other thing, this same sex lifestyle-
JamesMm-hmm
Kyle Bowmanthinking that I was going to get what I really needed and desired from just having a good emotionally healthy relationship with my mother. Wow. Um, and that was, it, that was painful for me. Mm. I think that was the first kind of painful sort of disappointment that I had to work through, um, because it caught me off guard. Like I wasn't- Oh that I, that wasn't the thing that I thought Would, would come to the surface. I think-
JamesBut disappointment specifically that a woman couldn't quite meet your deepest longings or, or a different disappointment?
Kyle BowmanNo, I think, I think the disappointment of having to acknowledge that there was this broken relationship I had with my mother.
JamesOh, yeah.
Kyle BowmanUh, not thinking, you know, because it's a, it's your family of origin. It's what you grew up with. Yeah, feels normal.
JamesSo, you know,
Kyle Bowmanyeah, you think that's regular.
JamesYeah.
Kyle BowmanSo you go, "Oh, wait a minute," like, my family of origin isn't exactly what I thought it was.
JamesKyle, one of the, one of my absolute favorite ways to, to have this revelation come in a coaching session with guys, I pull out this doc. You know me, Kyle- Yeah I love to pull out a good resource. A doc I actually received from Sue Moore, who we had on our podcast a, a year or two ago. Uh, she got it from Mark and Deborah Laser, but basically it's ca- it's called The Seven Desires of Every Heart. I, I think I've probably shared it with you, Kyle, at some point. We'll have it in the show notes, but just listeners, listen to these seven things I believe are wired by God for every single infant, child, even adult to need. But especially think about yourself as an infant or child. To be heard and understood is number one, listened to with your feelings, needs, struggles, opinions. To feel affirmed for what you do, to your accomplishments, your, your victories, your, your, your, your wins. To be blessed, number three, to be blessed for who you are without doing anything. Both of those actually matter. To be loved and considered special just because who you are without doing a single thing. Number four, to feel safe, free from fear and anxiety, free to explore the world and take risks. Five is, uh, touched, healthy, non-sexual touch, passionate, creative, you know, appropriate hugs and, and sitting on laps when that's appropriate and all those, all those good forms of touch. And the final two are very connected. One is, uh, number six actually is to feel chosen in that one-on-one special sense, accepted, desired even. This would be the opposite of feeling like a parent was disengaged or, or not really present. And then number seven, the final one, is to be included in a group. So again, chosen individually and included in a broader community, belonging in your family, belonging in your community. So Kyle, as I, as I read those out, I'm just curious if for you, if, if any of those resonate with part of what you're describing with your parents, with your mom in particular.
Kyle BowmanYeah, for sure. Um, being chosen, being desired, um- Yeah just because of who you are, not because you did well on the test, not because- Mm-hmm you made the honor roll, not because you did well in the recital. Uh, those are, those are the things that are off of that list, like really resonate.
JamesWell, i- it's just such a helpful thing, Kyle, to recognize that, yeah, everyone grew up with their own normal, but when you recognize what are g- This is actually a good picture, Kyle, of what our heavenly father's like. He desires to bless, you just mentioned that one, to be- to bless you just for who you are. He desires to affirm you when you do well. He desire- he chooses you individually, Kyle, and, and the listeners, and myself, he chooses us individually. And so there's something there, Kyle, about recognizing the, the tension between what we actually needed, what God wants to provide us as our good heavenly Father, and what actually, what actually happened. So Kyle, when you're talking to women who are faced with their own wounds, uh, past disappointments, griefs, things that weren't given to them that they needed like these seven desires, um, how, how do you help them experience these types of things in Jesus, in their heavenly Father, through the Holy Spirit? How, how do you help walk them toward the triune loving God that, that we serve?
Kyle BowmanYeah. H- the first place we just start with is what does it mean to acknowledge and then grieve?
JamesMm.
Kyle BowmanUm, and it's interesting, I've had so many clients will say, "Well, I don't know
Learning To Grieve Through Lament
Kyle Bowmanhow to grieve." And I think that's sad that- Yeah within the Christian community, um, like we have a whole book called Lamentations in the Bible, and yet we don't practice lamenting. And so, y- you know, we j- we just have some conversation around do you understand that the Lord desires for you to be able to pour out your heart about the, the things you expected that you didn't get, the desires that you had, um, that were just went away? Even the, the grief of having to go, "I've got to lay down this thing that has been g- has given me comfort for so long, and I am so afraid-
JamesYeah
Kyle Bowmanof what life is gonna look like, and it makes me even sad to think that I've got to put this away in order to, to live the kind of life that the Lord desires for me." So we spend some time just really talking about the process of grief. And so when we start talking about grief, I try to provide some, some things that are practical. Uh, for instance, and this is something, James, that you and I had a chance to experience. We had a training. Someone came in and trained us on this exercise of the language of lament. Mm-hmm. And w- which uses a, an, an example from scripture of one of the lament Psalms. Mm-hmm. And then what does it look like to look at how that Psalm is structured, and structure your own Psalm, structure your own lament?
JamesMm.
Kyle BowmanAnd that's a way to bring Jesus into that. If, I mean, the, there's plenty of laments on, and it doesn't have to be pretty. Like, if you think about even I'm just he- Right I have, like, Psalm 77 and, you know, he talks about the psalmist says, you know, "Gosh, my, you hold my eyelids open. I am so troubled that I cannot speak." Mm. Like, that's deep grief. Yeah. Or, you know, "Has the Lord just forgotten about us? Will he spurn us forever? Will he never again be favorable toward us?" Like, that's deep pain.
JamesYeah.
Kyle BowmanAnd, and the psalmist felt comfortable enough to know that God would meet him in that.
JamesMm-hmm.
Kyle BowmanSo just having a practice of lament. For some people, you know, to be able to write out is great for them. Maybe that might be a little more difficult, but you know, we've, we also talk to our, our clients about Emmanuel journaling- Mm is another way that you can walk through and, and start to process the disappointments of life. Because God sees you, He hears you, He knows what's on your heart, He knows the pain that you're dealing with, and this gives you an opportunity again to connect with God in the grief. Mm. Because God doesn't want you just to grieve for the sake of grieving.
JamesYes.
Kyle BowmanHe wants to be in it, and He wants to make an exchange with you in it.
JamesWell, Kyle, that's part of why I wanted you on today, because you are one of the more joyful people I know. And one of the things that I've been learning in my, I'm in my early 30s at the time of this recording, how important, if you want to be a joyful person, you have to go into some dark valleys. And it's not to stay there. I hope you're, I hope the listener can hear that. I'm literally saying to become a more joyful person, you've got to go through some dark valleys. Or, it, it, not... Let me actually say
Why Tears Lead To Joy
Jamesit differently. In order to become a more joyful person, you have to be willing to go downstairs and dine with all the emotions, often always with God and often with a brother or sister in Christ, including people like our, our coaches, people like Kyle, people like myself. Because we actually often, if not always, can't go there by ourselves. I mean, I actually just heard a podcast, Kyle- Uh, we'll link this in the show notes from a men's mental health podcast called 3%, and they're interviewing a psychologist named Dr. Kelly Flanagan, and he makes, um, he has this incredible image of sadness or grief starts in our gut, but then we try to push it down at the chest level, and it becomes anxiety when we're in that battle of the up and down. If it gets past the chest, whether for whatever reason, we often, right before it gets to the eyes where it's meant to be cried out, right, meant to literally come out in the form of tears, we often express anger through the mouth as a latch, last-ditch effort to stop the sadness from rising through our eyes, to stop that kind of vulnerability. So really powerful image, especially when sadness is the primary emotion or grief is the primary need, and anger or anxiety are more secondary. We, we did a podcast recently where sometimes anger is a primary emotion, sometimes anxiety is a primary emotion. But, but when it's a second- when those are secondary emotions and sadness is underneath, which is actually often the case, we actually need... Kelly Flanagan in that podcast said, "We can't do this alone." I don't know if he's a believer or not, but I found, Kyle, I can only cry when I'm kind of consciously with the Lord, with God, and/or when I'm with a safe enough person- Mm-hmm especially a Christian who's trying to be the hands and feet of Jesus in my very life.
Kyle BowmanYeah. It's, it is good to have someone walk with you, um, because there also has to be the point at which, um, you do come out of the darkness.
JamesYes.
Kyle BowmanRight? Uh, and sometimes it's helpful to have someone who can gently begin to lead you back out of the darkness. And, and I don't want to say that in terms of like there's a, a, a set amount of time that it looks like- Mm-hmm it looks different for every- Mm-hmm person. Um, but there is a point at which, um, the grieving is done for that moment- Mm-hmm for that season.
JamesYeah.
Kyle BowmanAnd it's time to step out into, um, the healing power that God has for you. Yes. Uh, and so sometimes it might mean that you need someone to accompany you in that process.
JamesAnother great model to think about this, friends, is, um, from the Allender Center. Dan Allender, um, I'm pretty sure Dan came up with this model. He describes our grief like a U. And Kyle, do you remember this? We got trained in this as well as coaches, where, um, you know, we're, we're at the top left of the U. If you, if you're watching on YouTube, you see me kind of pointing to my thumb here. We're in relative state of innocence before a specific grief has happened, you know, before something painful happened, before abuse happened, before the neglect happened. We're in a, you know, sort of a Garden of Eden. Not truly, obviously, we're still in a sinful world, but kind of if you can follow the image, we're in something of a Garden of Eden. But then s- grief happens, pain happens, and we slide down, and you'll see me now pointing to the knuckle on my thumb. We can't go backwards to the, the Garden of Eden. We can't go back to innocence. Something has happened. There's no way to reverse time. So what do we try to do, Kyle? Well, we look across the chasm, and we see, okay, well, there's heaven over there. Like, you know, I can't go back in time to the Garden of Eden, but I can try to get across this chasm and experience, you know, heaven or, or, you know, shalom, if you will. So what do we do? We keep trying to jump across. And, and the idea of jumping across is our own sinful tendencies toward things like sexual sin or, or other things where it's like, this is how I get to heaven. This is how I avoid doing the harder work, and I, I can try to jump across. Of course, every time we try to jump across the chasm, we're right back where we started. So what, what the invitation then is, friends, is to go into the valley, to go into the pain, to feel the sadness, again, with Jesus for sure, and often with other people who are safe, or at least one other person who's safe. And also, I really think this is where Jesus is at, uh, in the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me, says, uh, David in Psalm 23. I think our triune God wants to meet us. The, Jesus, the man well acquainted with grief, wants to meet us in the valley, not to keep us there, but to actually shepherd us through the pain, experience the pain, go through the pain, and then that's how we actually get up to the new heaven, if you will, the, the resolution, the repair, the joy that we're talking about. The reason I say God is down there is because, friends, if you think about almost every sin we do Most of them are pain avoidance. I mean, many of them, let me just say it like that. I can't say for sure most of them. But many of the sins that come right to mind are ways that we avoid the grief. But in Jesus declaring that he's a man of sorrows well acquainted with grief, in, in the, in the Bible declaring that about Jesus, we can be confident that he wants to meet us there, not to keep us there, not so that we're living li- lives of utter misery in the valley, but to actually help us through it. I mean, it literally says in scripture there's a promise you can, you can bet your life on that says, uh, well, first of all in Matthew 5, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." And then Paul picks that up, I forget exactly the reference, I think it's first or second Corinthians. But he prom- uh, yeah, I think second Corinthians, maybe chapter one. Yeah, those who, uh... Paul picks up that same language, that if we share in the sufferings of Christ, but we also share abundantly in the comfort of God- Mm-hmm in Christ.
Kyle BowmanYeah. And what I hope too that our listeners will consider is when you go through that valley, what can you use as a reminder that the Lord brought you out of the valley?
JamesHmm.
Kyle BowmanLike, is there something symbolic that will be a reminder for you that can be in your vision so that when another valley comes, you have a remembrance. Because again, like, like you talked about- Hmm like he wants to shepherd us through it, but there's also something, there's an exchange that happens in that deepest part of the valley. Hmm. Jesus- Took on all of the grief into himself, and he wants to give you more of himself. But maybe there's something else he wants to give to you as you take and w- and you walk out of that valley with him. Maybe there is something that is really important that he wants you to know. Maybe there's- Hmm something that he showed to you, and if you have something that can be a reminder that, you know what, when I was in this valley, this is what Jesus showed me. This is what he- Yeah gave me, and, and I can remember this any other time that I wa- that I walk through anything difficult.
JamesHmm. Kyle, of course I think of Kintsugi, which I know, um, our colleague Andrea has brought to some of your Sacred by Design women's retreats, both for women dealing with sexual sin, but also women dealing with betrayal. Because Kintsugi is, is the art form where something is broken, and then it's put together in a more beautiful way with, um... Let's just say a vase is broken, and it's glued back together with, like, a gold, a gold, uh, a gold
Kintsugi Repair And God’s Comfort
Jamesglue. I, I don't know. There's probably a better term than glue there, but, but I think that's such an important picture, friends. First of all, we have to acknowledge this is a very anti-American message. We're... Kyle and I are both America. I'm sure we have listeners who are in different parts of the world. This goes against all of our impulses, all the ways that we d- drive for comfort. We, we grasp for comfort in almost any way we can to avoid this kind of stuff. But by entering into it, uh, w- scars get to heal. We actually get to become stronger and more beautiful, uh, new creations. New creations. God is putting us together in a way, um, that perhaps could even be more glorious, uh, than having never experienced some of the pains we've been through. And I, I want to say that with sensitivity, recognizing there are many people listening to this who have been through greater pains than I have in, in particular ways, and still trusting, still believing that God is a God who puts things, who, who is working such a thorough redemption that, as Paul says, I think again in, I think it's II Corinthians again. Might be, uh, chapter four, where it's like he's actually, uh, making someone... You know what? Let me actually, let me try to pull up the reference here instead of going strictly from memory Sorry, here we go. First, 2 Corinthians 4, uh, he says, "Therefore, we do not lose heart," this is verse 16, "though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." This is some of the repair process we're talking about. This is some of the grieving and joy process we're talking about. And here's what Paul says, and this is a man who suffered a lot. This is a man who's been abused by authorities. This is a man who's been imprisoned in, in, in, um, utterly inhumane prison situations. He says in verse 17, "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Kyle, I doubt this is, uh, any form of what people call spiritual bypass, where we're pretending everything's fine. I'm pretty sure Paul was very in touch with his grief. As a, as a Jew, he knew the Hebrew Bible forward and backwards. He knew the Book of Lamentations. He knew the Psalms, many of which are full of lament and grief. But I think, I think it's actually showing that paradoxical, paradoxical principle that by moving through grief, there is that kind of resilient joy on the other side.
Kyle BowmanYeah, for sure. And I, you, you know, when you referenced f- First, uh, 2 Corinthians from chapter 1 where he talks about, you know, "Blessed be the God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction-" Yes so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort- Mm we ourselves have been comforted." So he, he lays down the groundwork that affliction happens, comfort needs to, is, is available. The only reason why you need comfort is because-
JamesYeah
Kyle Bowmanof, of whatever- Yeah affliction or grief that you... And he also- Yeah talks about, you know, mourning with people who mourn.
JamesYes.
Kyle BowmanUh, and so that is a, a, a regular part of being a believer in Jesus.
JamesFriends, when you're tempted, I wanna encourage, especially those who are dealing with sexual brokenness in this, in this time, when you're tempted, one of the most wise, uh, pieces of counsel I've ever received: talk to the Lord, call a brother, but, but talk in such a way, process in such a way when you're tempted to basically be asking the question, "What grief might I be avoiding?"
Temptation Points To Avoided Grief
JamesI guarantee, uh, you know, so much of my journey when I was coming out of my sexual addiction included Kyle feeling incredibly anxious because I was, uh, instead of just letting out my sadness through anger, instead of just feeling my sadness i- as of wrestling with anxiety in my chest, I just avoided my sadness altogether through pornography and masturbation. And so now that I wasn't, it was a journey of re- I started to deal with a lot of anxiety. I started to deal with that tension of the sadness now is, is trying to rise up, and I'm not tamping it down through sexual behavior. But the more I was able to get in touch with it, the more tears I was able to cry, the more I was able to be loved in those sad places, the less grip temptation even had on me in the first place. Because again, so much of temptation is a temptation to avoid pain and suffering through whatever means we can outside of God. But the, the invitation of God is, "Come, grieve. You will be comforted." This is not a maybe you'll be comforted. This is come and grieve and you will. And Kyle, one other thing I want to say before I hear some of what you're thinking, I've heard it said that even some of the deepest suppressed sadnesses in our lives, Janice McWilliams, a local therapist in the Baltimore area, trained our team on this, and I, again, I heard this from this guy Kelly Flanagan on the 3% podcast, it takes 90 s- it can take as little as 90 seconds to feel the weight of the sadness, to feel so much of what's been being held back. But so much of our anxiety, anger, so much of our sexual sin is like we feel some of the sadness, and we avoid it. We, we go a little bit down the valley, and we, we quickly jump, try to jump across, right? But, but by actually going into it, you can actually see the grieving process be what it's meant to be, which is n- not necessarily even super drawn out. I know, like you said, I agree with you, some grief just takes time, and it's hard to know how to access every layer. God's at work here. But even if you were to feel the deepest weight of your sadness, according to these two therapists, and I, I'm taking their word for it, it can take as little as i- i- it d- won't take more than 90 seconds, they've each said, to feel the sadness that we might be avoiding for years.
Kyle BowmanYeah, that's, that's so good. And I, you know, I think that is, is something very strategic that the enemy Has put in our ears that you don't have to experience this. You can get on the other side of this-
JamesYeah
Kyle Bowmanwithout having to feel bad, without having to feel pain, without having to be- feel sadness. You can do it. You can get on the other side of it. And, and, you know, the lie is all you're doing is delaying it, right? Mm-hmm. 'Cause even, you know, whatever you're turning to, whether it's porn, masturbation, you're hooking up, what- even if you are a woman who has experienced betrayal, um- Mm-hmm and you've been trying to find ways to kinda get beyond the grief because you think, "Well, you know, everything will be okay if I can just get on, on the other side of it," um, the truth is y- there's just, you're just delaying what inevitably should happen. And the other thing is you have no idea how the Lord is gonna meet you in that. Mm-hmm. You're, you might be trying to escape an encounter with Jesus that you would have never had before because you tried- Mm-hmm to jump over the chasm, right?
JamesYeah,
Kyle Bowmanyeah. And so how might you actually have this encounter with the Lord that is just absolutely amazing and mind-blowing-
JamesHmm
Kyle Bowmanand you thought you would never even have the capacity to experience that in, in a place of grief.
JamesYeah. So good, Kyle. Part of what you're saying, and, and then we'll, we'll wrap up here, is, um, we really can't minimize this stuff. Like, we can't just... Uh, and, and again, American tendency is, first of all, we might have been told when we were young, "Hey, compare yourself to, like, kids have it way worse around the world," and other things like that. But pain, pain, it doesn't really matter who's experiencing more or less pain. Pain is meant to be brought to Jesus. Pain is meant to be felt around safe people. And the more quickly you can move through that process, the h- often the healthier you'll become. And so I want to encourage you, don't minimize and compare y- your pain to others' pain or things like that, but recognize any pain is pain that God wants to meet you in. Every tear you sow can reap songs or shouts of joy. As it says in Psalm, I believe it's, uh, somewhere in the 100s, um- Every tear that you cry is, is being counted by the Lord. Mm-hmm. And so any, any grief that we do unto God, especially, uh, in safety with the body of Christ, um, it's not wasted, and it will be comforted. And so friends, if you're listening, uh, live this October, October of 2026, we do have our retreats coming up, and these are great places to get in touch with some of these things. 'Cause Kyle, I don't know about you, but I don't spend most of my weekends saying, "Hey, let me, uh, let me grieve for a couple hours this Saturday," or something like that. That's right. And, and, you know, sometimes that's not even possible, and sometimes that's not how God's leading. And I'm not saying, "Hey, come to these retreats, and you'll be s- sitting in grief all day." What I'm saying is these are spaces where God can break open some places that have been shut down. And so got our Awaken retreat this October. We've got our women's Sacred by Design retreat. Um, Kyle, anything you want to say about Sacred by
Retreat Invitation And Final Prayer
JamesDesign women's retreat 2026?
Kyle BowmanYeah,
JamesI would s- What can women expect? What can they hope for, come away
Kyle Bowmanwith? You can ex- you can expect being loved on and cared for.
JamesMm-hmm.
Kyle BowmanUh, a lot of women who come to Regen, they've been, they've been doing the work And they've been in the trenches, and they have been, you know, doing all the things. Mm-hmm. And there's a moment to, to also receive in this. Part of your, your process has to be how do you receive? And so the thing I love the most is just that we get to lavish love on these ladies who have been doing such great work. Mm. And for allowing God just to meet them exactly where they are.
JamesYeah. So the Women's Sacred by Design Retreat's a one-day retreat, as Kyle just described.
Kyle BowmanAgain, I mentioned- Actually, this year, James, we're doing like one and a half days, so we're- Oh,
Jameshow's that work?
Kyle BowmanYeah, so the Friday evening, um, we're, we're doing a, a get-together, a meet and greet. Yeah. Get to hang out with each other and enjoy each other's company, um, the evening before we start on Saturday morning.
JamesOkay. And I think you, you keep that very space limited on purpose, Kyle. Is that correct?
Kyle BowmanThat's correct.
JamesIs it 15 spots for women?
Kyle BowmanYes, there's only 15 spots available, so you gotta keep your eyes out, open and, and jump in as soon as you can. We've already had even people sign up already, so that's-
JamesAnd we're recording this in early June, so yeah. Yeah. Um, this is, uh... Jump, jump on our website. You'll find a link in the show notes. And the men's retreat goes from Friday night to Sunday morning, um, from October 9th through 11th, and we'll be getting into some really good stuff. Um, our, our executive director, Josh Glazer, will be teaching throughout the weekend, and we'll have really powerful, uh, small group experiences and, and large group experiences as well, and some fun. We, we we have, uh, we have some f- we, we actually, again, I think people who are well acquainted with grief actually can often be well acquainted with fun and joy as well, and so there'll be, um, rest and fun, um, throughout the weekend. So, uh, Kyle, would you, uh, you can share any last word if you have one, but I just would love for you to pray for our listeners as we close.
Kyle BowmanYeah, for sure. I think the only last word would be don't, don't run away from, from processing your grief, and, um, be expectant of what God will do as you- Mm as you start to process that.
JamesYeah.
Kyle BowmanAnd so let's pray.
JamesMm-hmm.
Kyle BowmanUh, God, just as James said earlier that, Jesus, you were a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. So that means that any kind of grief that we go through is not foreign to you, and you want to meet every single person in their grief. And Lord, I pray that for those who are even maybe they're a little frightened of doing it, because they're, they might feel like, "Well, what if, what if I can't get out of it?" God, help them to know that you will provide a way out. Help them to start to pray about whether they need to be with a region coach and walk through some of that with a coach, or if there is a trusted brother or sister that they can be in front of, God, that can be Jesus with skin on for them.
JamesMm-hmm.
Kyle BowmanGod, help them to be intentional about praying for that. And I pray, Lord, that they can walk into processing the grief with having a very holy anticipation of how you're gonna meet them, the ways you're gonna reveal yourself to them, and God, what you wanna exchange for the grief. And so, Lord, bless every listener who is taking in this podcast, and I pray, Father, um, that they all will find something that is meaningful for them in, in ways that they will want to b- pursue processing their grief. And I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.
JamesAmen.
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